Laughter

This morning I realized that I don't laugh much anymore. Three years ago this week my ex spouse told me he had filed for divorce and frankly, before then even, there was no laughter. There was lots and lots of hurt and hurtful actions and words.

I want someone to laugh with. I want to giggle, throw my head back and guffah with someone who means the world to me. It's been too long since I have really laughed like that. I want to laugh. I want to have fun. I want my life back. It's time. I'm tired of mourning what I had. I'm done with that. I'm done with him. He has taken too much of my mind over the past decade and now it's time to be me again.

The me who loves to shop, loves cool shoes, loves photography, loves her children, loves life. I miss that girl. Maybe she was just in hiding and it's time for her to reappear.  Maybe it's time for her to heal.

I took off my ring that my ex-mother in law gave me and was stuck on for years. I pulled it off and exclaimed outloud (rather loud) "I'M FREE!" then laughed! I am free and the only thing holding me back is the "tapes" from my ex that run continually inside my head. It's like I've spent the last three years in therapy trying to erase the tapes. I am not who he said I was. My self worth comes from who the Lord of the heaven says I am and God almighty says that "I am beautifully and wonderfully made."

So here I sit. I can sit and mourn what is already gone or I can begin to live again. The second one scares me to death but it is the second one that I choose. I choose it for me and for my children. I choose to be happy. I choose life. I choose to laugh. Maybe one day I will meet someone who will make me laugh.