Bent out of shape

This morning I wiped out in the parking lot of my apartment complex. My foot bent backward, toes went in directions they shouldn't. 

Being the tough girl I am I made it to work then left and my dad took me to the ER and dropped me off. Hadn't been at St. Luke's South since my oldest was born. Blast from my past.

Many X-rays later it was determined to be a bad sprain. Glad it wasn't broken but although I have a really high tolerance for pain IT HURTS. Stopped at the Wal-Mart Neighborhood Grocery and got my script for hydro filled. Drove the little cart around the store. 

First pill felt like a couple of Tylenol. Pain was bad so I took the other pill. Three hours later I awoke from my drug induced nap.

Had to cancel getting the girls. I miss them so. Trying to use your left foot to brake while driving on pain meds does not mix well with children.

So I lay here, hoping to make it a couple of hours before I can take the meds and nod off. Praying my chubby, swollen foot fits in a shoe in the morning. Ha

I don't want to sound like a whiner but I hurt.

Out of the Darkness

I wish that I could explain what it is like to live with bipolar disorder. I wish that I could adequately explain it to my girls. I wish that I could openly talk about it with my friends at church without fear of them thinking I am from the looney bin. Been there. Done that. Yes, I've been hospitalized for my bipolar disorder 11 times. Not once. Not twice. 11 times in 10 years.

I'm coming out. God's used this radical thing called bipolar to draw me closer to Him. My life for the past twenty years since being diagnosed has been a series of valleys. Many more valleys than mountaintops. "Yea though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I will fear no evil."

Why do churches feel so uncomfortable with the valleys of life and focus do much on the mountaintops? I think that God can use the utter barren valleys of our lives to draw us closer, to reveal something about His holiness to us. There is this amazing joy that's possible right in the middle of the deepest valley of our lives. I know; I've experienced it many times.

Technically I could be fully disabled and not have to work for the rest of my life. I choose to fight. No, it is not easy. Things that are easy for others are very difficult for me. I have very little energy and have to decide how to spend it. I have work, my girls, church and a few friends.  Part of me is crazy self reliant (I'm tough and keep going when others stop) and part if me is crazy reliant on my faith in Jesus to help me make it through each day.

I struggle with depression that would incapacitate many but it is my "normal." It's not my mind, it is my brain chemistry working against me. It is independent of my faith. I have unshakeable faith in my God but I still live in this broken body, this broken vessel.

I wonder how long God will have me here on earth. I want everyday to punt; every encounter with others is a chance to show Jesus to them. The lady in the basement doing laundry...the young man at the Quik Trip this morning. Did my words count? Did my actions today demonstrate my passion for Christ?

Better than a Hallelujah

Late at night laying here thinking, praying for special people in my life. I always wonder how it is exactly when God puts someone on my heart to pray for.  I've learned to listen to the Spirit's promptings and go with it.

We pour out our miseries, God just hears a melody. - Amy Grant "Better than a Hallelujah" the honest cries of breaking hearts.

I know that my God works with broken hearts. You see I've had my heart broken so badly that I used to not want to live. The despair I felt led me to the end of myself and quantum leaps closer to my Lord. It was deep in the despair that I met God on a level I did not know was possible this side of heaven.

My journey took me through addiction, an abusive marriage, a divorce, failed health and more than one trip to the hospital for severe depression. Why don't people in the church talk about this stuff? I would wager that there are many, even within my own church tonight, who are struggling to hold on.  Why do Christians often shoot their wounded? 

I believe a lot of Christians and churches shoot their wounded because they are unwilling to look at pain, unwilling to admit that we don't have all the answers to the hurt we encounter down here. Yes we have the Bible but even it is silent about some things. Some parts of this puzzle we live simply won't be revealed this side if heaven.

So we live with a partial disconnect, a realization that we were not made for this world and that we won't know WHY to a lot of questions of our faith until we fall into the arms of Jesus.

The closer I know God the more questions I have.

Taking Good Moments when they come

Okay I think every mom in the world can relate to this.  You have a big, full day either at the office or at home, you come home.  You're tired.  You want to zone out.  Plug your kids in and just relax.  But you don't.  You choose to be engaged.  You choose relationships with each other over technology.  If you don't, you should.

I'm personally glad that at my house the only technology available to my kids is my iPhone and frankly sometimes I wish that I didn't even have a data plan for that.  Last night one of my girls was showing me the newest app she was into.  I finally just said "hand it over, we're turning it off for the night."  We then proceeded to have a tickle fight and draw people's faces on belly buttons.

There are days when I don't feel good, God knows they are often.  Having bipolar is not an easy thing but it's part of what I am, it's this thing that I have and it's not going away.  I've come to grips with that a long time ago.  When I was first diagnosed I was bitter, resentful and just plumb mad that I had this thing.  I remember the first thing I asked the doctor after he told me was "will my children someday have this?"  He said, well, we don't know for sure but it tends to be genetic.  For a girl who grew up wanting children from the time I was very small this was a hard pill to swallow.

I carried both children through very very difficult pregnancies, fully medicated (which was a risk but the risk of my NOT taking the  meds was worse).  Every day from the time I woke up until the time I went to bed I spent vomiting.  And then sometimes I'd wake up in the middle of the night to do the same.

Not fun.

Being a mom who has bipolar disorder is just one facet of who I am.  Sometimes it sneaks into my life more than I'd want it to and when that happens I remember to give myself grace.  To cut myself some slack.

Grab your good moments.  Take advantage of them.  I don't have extended periods of time when I feel good so when I do I rejoice and just enjoy things as they come.  The rest of the time it's a bit (a lot) of a struggle but we weren't promised this life would be easy.

Keep on keeping on!  Until next time,
Bipolar Supermom

New Job: Amazing Gift From God

Last week I got a call from a recruiter, out of the blue, and they had a job opportunity they thought that I'd be a good fit for.  I went to the interview and the next day had a written job offer!  I start next Wednesday at my new job.  I'm so excited.  It was neat to see God arrange the whole thing in my life.

Tonight is spaghetti with meat sauce night.  Very exciting life I have!  Sometimes I like that life has gotten more simple than it used to be.  I'm actually really thankful for it.

Until next time...

Bipolar Mom: Little (and BIG) Joys

I have learned over the years to take every day as a gift from God.  Part of this is learning to trust Him for my everything.

Today I wanted to write about the things that bring me great joy:
1. cicadas - when I hear cicadas in the late summer and fall I am transported back to my childhood when I'd lay in bed and listen to the cicadas while I fell asleep.

2. Waking up early - I've always been a morning person.  My favorite time is Saturday mornings, before the world wakes up, it's dark outside.  I open my porch door to let the fresh air waft in and sit there, pray and sometimes make my grocery list and plan my day (especially if I have my girls for the weekend).  I make my meal plan for the weekend too.

3. Snuggly children.  I have one daughter in particular who has always been my "leaner".  Since she was little, she was always sitting or standing next to me, leaning on me.  This morning I woke up early and she had burrowed her way and was snuggled up next to me in a ball under the covers.  It was so sweet I just laid there and watched her sleep.

4. Cooking!  I love cooking with a passion.  I like to make almost everything and am working this year to expand my repertoire and to have our family try new recipes and new foods.  They need to broaden their horizons.

5. Gardening!!!!!  This is my ultimate hobby.  I used to have a lovely home and had a wonderful garden.  I did it on a budget (only flowers, no food other than chives).  I have a book of perennials and know most of the latin names for plants and bushes.  Someday I dream of owning a home for my girls and I and I intend to create a backyard (and front yard) oasis of blooming wonderfulness!

Those are just the things that I can think of off the top of my  head.  What are your favorite things?

Bipolar Supermom: Worship of Asking God

A couple of weeks ago we were studying the Lord's prayer at church.  I really enjoyed the service and it got me thinking a lot.  Although I have an active prayer life, I had yet to ask God for help in finding another job.  We studied how just as earthly father's wouldn't give their son a stone if he asks for bread, our Heavenly Father wants to give us good gifts too!  There is something interesting in this concept.  While God is omnipotent (all powerful to you new or not in the faith), He gets pleasure out of his creation (us) asking Him for things.  He can and does give us "our daily bread" (He takes care of our daily needs) but He enjoys us asking Him for things.  I think this is for us as much as it is for Him.

There is nothing like asking God for something then having your prayer answered.  A few years ago, when I had just moved out of my home when my husband filed for divorce, I found myself with a big apartment (2 bedroom), and no furniture.  So the girls mentioned something about a bunk bed so we started right then and there to start praying for them.  It wasn't too many weeks when I got a call from a friend of a friend asking, out of the blue, if I needed a bunk bed!  She had an older one and was replacing it and thought of me.  I was thrilled.  I picked up the bunk bed and hauled it into the girl's bedroom.  Then we three realized we didn't have mattresses.  So began to pray for those.  Then, completely out of the blue, I received a check in the mail from a lady I'd never met (a friend of my brother and sister in law's) for $100.00.  I was blown away.

To make matters even cooler, I had an appointment with my doctor around that time and told him about my husband filing for divorce and he pulled out his wallet and gave me a $100 bill!  I just cried.  God had provided the money we needed to buy two mattresses!

That is a long preface to my most recent story.  I recently prayed for God's help with my job situation.  Although I'm happy to have a job, I'm not making enough to meet my expenses every month and have been living off my savings since I started here.  My boss pulls me into a room the other day and had a sit-down with me.  It boiled down to this. I had worn a dress to the office last week, they were worried I was out interviewing and wanted to tell me they really liked me.  They basically were worried about losing me.  I didn't wear the dress for an interview, only lunch with my two girlies.  So I was able to tell my boss my financial situation, told him what I need to make and the range for other people who do jobs like mine.  He gave me many compliments and then told me he'd take it to the owner for consideration.  I'm not sure what will happen if anything but it was rather cool to see God's hand in all this.

We serve a big God.  I'm not saying He's going to give us everything we ask for.  That's not Biblical.  He does promise to care for us each and every day and to provide for His children.  He takes job in us asking Him for help.

I'm going to change the way I pray.  You never know what God has planned for you.  He promises to make all things come together for good for those who love Him.  That's a promise that I live with and for every day of my life.

Bottom line, God is good.  He wants us to ask Him everything that's on our hearts.  He knows what we need even before we ask for it.  He is beyond time.  He's always been....past, present and future.  He always will be.  Wrap your head around that today.