I'm a Big Fake

This week has been characterized by great anger.  I'm mad at my spouse who is divorcing me, mad at the lady at the quick store who took my parking spot, and mostly I'm mad at God.  There.  I've said it.  Those unholy words have come out of my lips.  I feel disillusioned and let down.  Disappointed.  I realize that divorce is the result of two people's cumulative mistakes and sins.  Then there is the God who promises to help the helpless and brokenhearted.  Where is that God tonight?  

Where is God when I miss my kids so bad that I sob, tears streaming down my face onto my pillow?  Where is God when I feel that it's too much to bear?  Why is it necessary for me to go through this much pain?  He could spare me but He isn't.  How do I deal with that philosophically?  What do I make of a God who could spare me pain but who seems silent?

I can't even believe that I've uttered these words out loud, or on this digital paper of my blog.  I've shown myself to be a big fake.  Or at least I feel like a big fake today.  Perhaps I'm just being "real", whatever that is!  All I know is that my heart hurts so profoundly that I'm not sure it will ever recover.  I feel betrayed by my spouse.  I feel unloved and unlovable.   I've been cut to the quick.