Remember Your Chains, part two

"Remember your chains are gone." -Steven Curtis Chapman

Listening to some tunes to try to calm down.  I'm mad, sad and frustrated all at once.  

Nothing calms me like hearing music about God.  Hearing real Christians who struggle and sing about it.   "I've got a couple of dents in my fenders.  Perfection is my enemy.  On your shoulders I can see - I'm free to be me." 

I've no idea if anyone reads this as I've instructed most of my friends not to comment or at least not to write anything identifying.  Someday I'd really like to write a book but I know that I'm far from that.  So right now this is for me, you and whoever else is out there in cyberspace that God's lead to this blog.  

God's love is beautiful.  It's the only thing in my life that I can count on today and tomorrow.  Sure, there are great moments with my children and family but even those moments last only a short while and then you're back at baseline.  My heart is at baseline and I'm waiting for God to fill me up.  

I feel this angst, I want to write more but not appropriate for this venue, at least at this time in my life.  Feeling like I'm being evaluated by those who seek to tear me down and by those who want to keep my children from me.  Don't know who to trust.  Hard to trust when your best friend filed for divorce from you.  I feel like I could probably write volumes about what this has done to my life.

I just cling to what is good and what is from above; that's the only way that I know to get through this incredible pain and hurt.  I cling to God and hug my children and pray He has a future for us.  I'm ready to start the journey, I'm still grieving my loss but I want to move forward or I might forever be stuck here.  I want to move forward toward the idea of hope.  I hope that there is hope.  

I'm rewriting the voice in my head that was put there over time that I'm incapable, unattractive and not worthy.  I'm created in God's image and I know Him to be capable, attractive and most notably, worthy.  My self image came for so long from my husband and now it is coming from God directly into my soul.  I am no longer who I used to be.  I'm free.  Showered in grace at the foot of the cross looking up to Jesus for my hope.

I just want other people to see Jesus in me; for them to see Jesus in me during my hurt and pain and to have my life honor Him during this time.  

God, I'm waiting here, waiting for you.  Then I realize that you are already here with me.  You've never gone anywhere.  Help me to see Your hand in my life and help me to lead my children in the way they should go.