Bent out of shape

This morning I wiped out in the parking lot of my apartment complex. My foot bent backward, toes went in directions they shouldn't. 

Being the tough girl I am I made it to work then left and my dad took me to the ER and dropped me off. Hadn't been at St. Luke's South since my oldest was born. Blast from my past.

Many X-rays later it was determined to be a bad sprain. Glad it wasn't broken but although I have a really high tolerance for pain IT HURTS. Stopped at the Wal-Mart Neighborhood Grocery and got my script for hydro filled. Drove the little cart around the store. 

First pill felt like a couple of Tylenol. Pain was bad so I took the other pill. Three hours later I awoke from my drug induced nap.

Had to cancel getting the girls. I miss them so. Trying to use your left foot to brake while driving on pain meds does not mix well with children.

So I lay here, hoping to make it a couple of hours before I can take the meds and nod off. Praying my chubby, swollen foot fits in a shoe in the morning. Ha

I don't want to sound like a whiner but I hurt.

Out of the Darkness

I wish that I could explain what it is like to live with bipolar disorder. I wish that I could adequately explain it to my girls. I wish that I could openly talk about it with my friends at church without fear of them thinking I am from the looney bin. Been there. Done that. Yes, I've been hospitalized for my bipolar disorder 11 times. Not once. Not twice. 11 times in 10 years.

I'm coming out. God's used this radical thing called bipolar to draw me closer to Him. My life for the past twenty years since being diagnosed has been a series of valleys. Many more valleys than mountaintops. "Yea though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I will fear no evil."

Why do churches feel so uncomfortable with the valleys of life and focus do much on the mountaintops? I think that God can use the utter barren valleys of our lives to draw us closer, to reveal something about His holiness to us. There is this amazing joy that's possible right in the middle of the deepest valley of our lives. I know; I've experienced it many times.

Technically I could be fully disabled and not have to work for the rest of my life. I choose to fight. No, it is not easy. Things that are easy for others are very difficult for me. I have very little energy and have to decide how to spend it. I have work, my girls, church and a few friends.  Part of me is crazy self reliant (I'm tough and keep going when others stop) and part if me is crazy reliant on my faith in Jesus to help me make it through each day.

I struggle with depression that would incapacitate many but it is my "normal." It's not my mind, it is my brain chemistry working against me. It is independent of my faith. I have unshakeable faith in my God but I still live in this broken body, this broken vessel.

I wonder how long God will have me here on earth. I want everyday to punt; every encounter with others is a chance to show Jesus to them. The lady in the basement doing laundry...the young man at the Quik Trip this morning. Did my words count? Did my actions today demonstrate my passion for Christ?

Better than a Hallelujah

Late at night laying here thinking, praying for special people in my life. I always wonder how it is exactly when God puts someone on my heart to pray for.  I've learned to listen to the Spirit's promptings and go with it.

We pour out our miseries, God just hears a melody. - Amy Grant "Better than a Hallelujah" the honest cries of breaking hearts.

I know that my God works with broken hearts. You see I've had my heart broken so badly that I used to not want to live. The despair I felt led me to the end of myself and quantum leaps closer to my Lord. It was deep in the despair that I met God on a level I did not know was possible this side of heaven.

My journey took me through addiction, an abusive marriage, a divorce, failed health and more than one trip to the hospital for severe depression. Why don't people in the church talk about this stuff? I would wager that there are many, even within my own church tonight, who are struggling to hold on.  Why do Christians often shoot their wounded? 

I believe a lot of Christians and churches shoot their wounded because they are unwilling to look at pain, unwilling to admit that we don't have all the answers to the hurt we encounter down here. Yes we have the Bible but even it is silent about some things. Some parts of this puzzle we live simply won't be revealed this side if heaven.

So we live with a partial disconnect, a realization that we were not made for this world and that we won't know WHY to a lot of questions of our faith until we fall into the arms of Jesus.

The closer I know God the more questions I have.

Taking Good Moments when they come

Okay I think every mom in the world can relate to this.  You have a big, full day either at the office or at home, you come home.  You're tired.  You want to zone out.  Plug your kids in and just relax.  But you don't.  You choose to be engaged.  You choose relationships with each other over technology.  If you don't, you should.

I'm personally glad that at my house the only technology available to my kids is my iPhone and frankly sometimes I wish that I didn't even have a data plan for that.  Last night one of my girls was showing me the newest app she was into.  I finally just said "hand it over, we're turning it off for the night."  We then proceeded to have a tickle fight and draw people's faces on belly buttons.

There are days when I don't feel good, God knows they are often.  Having bipolar is not an easy thing but it's part of what I am, it's this thing that I have and it's not going away.  I've come to grips with that a long time ago.  When I was first diagnosed I was bitter, resentful and just plumb mad that I had this thing.  I remember the first thing I asked the doctor after he told me was "will my children someday have this?"  He said, well, we don't know for sure but it tends to be genetic.  For a girl who grew up wanting children from the time I was very small this was a hard pill to swallow.

I carried both children through very very difficult pregnancies, fully medicated (which was a risk but the risk of my NOT taking the  meds was worse).  Every day from the time I woke up until the time I went to bed I spent vomiting.  And then sometimes I'd wake up in the middle of the night to do the same.

Not fun.

Being a mom who has bipolar disorder is just one facet of who I am.  Sometimes it sneaks into my life more than I'd want it to and when that happens I remember to give myself grace.  To cut myself some slack.

Grab your good moments.  Take advantage of them.  I don't have extended periods of time when I feel good so when I do I rejoice and just enjoy things as they come.  The rest of the time it's a bit (a lot) of a struggle but we weren't promised this life would be easy.

Keep on keeping on!  Until next time,
Bipolar Supermom