Dog tired

I've noticed that stress is what triggers a whole bunch of other symptoms. I've been a little stressed out lately. Today I worked on one case for 3.5 hours straight. I feel like I did a good job though and presented it to my boss for his approval. Then I tried to work on other things but just struggled to get anything done. Took off a little early today for an engagement.

I called the IRS to set up a payment plan for my taxes for 2009. I didn't plan right and ended up with a big bill. So far I've paid a good amount and I hope to pay it off long before it is due. They were really cool about it.

There are so many things changing in my life that I really have to try to mentally keep my attitude up. Change can tend to stress me out and I know my body well enough to know that I don't deal with well stress.

My attorney stressed me out on the phone; I wasn't ready for her call or to make such big decisions. Going to talk with my brother on Monday about it all.

Tonight I just feel tired. Dog tired. I wanted to go to bed at 7 but thought that a little funny.

Tonight there is a little sadness and some small tears in my eyes.

THIS GIRL

Addicted to Runts. Yep. That's me. I fully and openly admit that I used Runts this week to deal with the pain I'm feeling instead of letting myself really feel it. My divorce is very close to being over and the reality and depth of that situation is beginning to really hit me. I'm extremely sad that it came to this. I miss what I once had; I miss what we wanted; I miss the future we'll never have. I miss the special anniversaries we'll never share. I miss the man I fell in love with. Here I sit, he's most likely seeing someone else by now, even though we're legally still married. I do not know this for sure but it's a good bet. I wouldn't put it past him.

The tears have reappeared this week even though I didn't want them. They came at the worst times....like driving to work, in the parking lot of work, right before work. I dried my eyes on a fast food napkin, sucked in a gulp of air and walked in the door where I poured myself into my work.

Part of me is angry and just wants it to be over. Part of me is the optimist but I do not think there is a miracle for me on this one. My path seems to be headed in a much different direction than I had planned. Single mom. Divorced. Alone.

This is Mother's Day weekend and I don't even get the children on Mother's Day. He didn't even offer to let them spend the day with me. I of course want them but no. Nothing. I'm going to try to just get through the day.

Tonight I had the best time just hanging out with them. I of course can't say what we did because if big brother aka the almost ex is reading he will know who I really am and I can't have that. I need this to be a place where I can express the ups and downs of divorce and motherhood.

Suppose I sound a lot tonight like I'm feeling sorry for myself and you'd be right. I'm openly having a hard day. I feel inadequate, incomplete, unloved, awkward, blind, and a whole lot of other things tonight. Even my boss noticed two days ago that I was really negative. I just told him that I was having a hard day.

I guess the bottom line is that my heart just hurts and there is nothing and no one on earth that can make it better. That's the cold hard fact. Enter in the girl now who has a deep faith in God. This girl knows that these feelings will pass as they always do and that tomorrow is a brand new day with no mistakes in it. This girl knows that God can part the Red Sea. This same God cares about me. He cared enough about me to send his only son to take my place on the cross. To bear my burdens. He sent His only son to die from my sins and the sins of the world. THIS GIRL is the one in charge.

THIS GIRL knows that God has taken away my sin, as far as the east is from the west. THIS GIRL knows that God puts angels around us to protect us and to keep our feet from stumbling. THIS GIRL knows that giving up is not an option. Sure, it's a temptation occasionally but then I'm reminded that God cares deeply about me and about what happens to me. So much so that he knows when a sparrow falls from the sky and he knows exactly how many hairs I have on my head. THIS GIRL has been given a glimpse of God, a taste of God's grace and mercy, and a dosing of His infinite love toward me/us.

THIS GIRL choose hope. Someday when I get to Heaven I want to hear Him say "well done my good and faithful servant." Someday. But not now. Now I have the purpose of raising my children and pouring my life into them. Beyond that I do not know what God has planned for me. Sure, I have dreams for my future, ideas, plans. Right now they seem so far away and impossible. but THIS GIRL knows that with God ALL THINGS are possible.

This is what it is like to be inside my body, the struggle between the depression and the normal. For people who do not struggle with depression, this is one of the only ways that I can demonstrate how bizarre it is to be inside my mind and heart. I'm painfully aware that my brain does not function like others, but I also am solidly aware that I am made in God's image. I'm not sure how to reconcile the two. Other than: it's okay that I am who I am because God made me this way. The tendency I have toward depression is my reality. I'm painfully aware of it as I get up every morning and walk to my kitchen where my medicines and vitamins are. It seems the older I get the more meds I have!

THIS GIRL still believes. I STILL BELIEVE. I will NOT quit.

Change can be good

Hanging out, watching some silly tv show. 24. I'm embarassed to say that I still watch it.

Robin Hood, the movie, with hunky Russell Crowe is coming out soon. Can't wait.

Changing therapists. My old one graduated and is finishing her hours of counseling. New one starts next week. This will be my third one in not quite a year of counseling at this place I go to. It's the first time counseling has ever really "worked"...and it's ironic that it's working now that I'm away from him. (There is no irony with God, just His perfect timing).

Struggling with anger toward him tonight. Over a situation that I can't talk about. But it is hard for me to just relax. I'm ready for our marriage to be over. Now to negotiate our way out of it. My heart will never be the same again. Maybe it's going to heal and maybe I'll get to enjoy a new shot at life. I'm thankful to have this opportunity to do better.....and to trust God with every little thing in my life.

Tonight I'm letting go of my anger. I choose to forgive tonight.

Shivers Up my Spine

Saddle up your horses. We've got a trail to blaze. Lets follow our leader into the glorious unknown. This is a life like no other. This is the great adventure.

(sends shivers down my spine)

Come on get ready for the ride of your life.

The love of God will take us beyond our wildest dreams. Yeah yeah yeah

Come on, get ready!

-Steven Curtis Chapman. One of my all time favorite songs, the theme of my life over the past couple of years.

Tired Happy Confused Mom of Little People

Tonight I'm just tired. I had a super stressful day at work, got there early and also took a short lunch break for the overtime. Picked up the children on my way home from work, then we just had to go on two errands....but they were happy campers. I love doing for them.

Made dinner, ate late. Jammies after dinner tonight then bed for little one. Little one is mad as anything and is hitting, scratching and being mean to me and her sibling(s). Oldest and I prayed together tonight, for oldest and for youngest.

I must go sleep now. I am ready to pass out. I just finished the laundry (sort of), the dishwasher is humming and I'm about to pick up the grumpy fur ball and go to sleep. I pray everyone sleeps good here tonight.

I think one of my furballs is sick. And I can't afford to take her to the vet. I owe the IRS and I still owe about $650 for one of my past medical bills I got left with in this divorce. I am taxed out. Literally and figuratively. My car needs a $200+ repair and I'm supposed to be saving to move. I really need a raise. I need God to come through somehow, some way. I know and believe He will. He has taken care of my needs from day one of being on my own.

I have to be brave and courageous. I feel overwhelmed tonight and alone. I pray for rejuvenating strength and sleep.

Thankful for another week of consistent energy and no major dramas this week. Work was stressful but I feel like I handled it just fine. Just put on my fav song: "Be still and know" by Steven Curtis Chapman. It is my prayer tonight to my God. Be still and know that He is God. Wonderful song of worship.

Another Monday

Another Monday. Today was just a nice, calm day. Work wasn't hectic. I felt in control of my work world and my emotions. It was nice.

I miss the little people. So much. I like to call them on our nights away from each other. They were making me pictures tonight. ahhhh how sweet.

I feel like I'm on the verge of something new I'm just not sure yet as God has not revealed it to me. I'm willing, I'm able, for whatever He might lead me to do.

Every day I want so much to be an example of God's love to the people I work with. Sometimes I feel good about it. Sometimes I feel like I fail.

Tomorrow's a new day.

Until then, I remain.

Maxed Out.

Tonight I'm just maxed out. Hard week at work. Hard week with the children. Hard week with finances. Just hard all around.

Trying to just do the next thing in front of me, allow myself some grace.

Trying not to be hopping mad at the soon to be ex. Just tired of the way he treats me and treats the children.

I've got to let it go. I'm just trying to get over being sick.

Tomorrow's another day. Off to dreamland now. (oh, please let me have good dreams even if it's just when I'm asleep!)