A new lease on life

Tonight as I have my children for the first full weekend in quite a long time (almost a year and a half), I am extremely thankful and better yet - happy.  I had gone so long without being happy that I didn't think happiness and joy were things that I was going to enjoy in this life.  There were times I longed for Heaven over the past few years because I wanted a relief from the serious heartache and abuse that I was undergoing.

So I sit here.  Happy.  I've been happy for a whole week.   I can't remember the last time that I've really, truly felt this happy.  I feel relieved.  Although I know God doesn't desire divorce, I didn't choose this but through this I have been set free.  I am free to be ME again.  And I like ME.  After years of being belittled by your husband, your best friend, feeling that you like yourself again is a major accomplishment.  I've taken a long hard look at myself from the inside out and I've determined that I am worthy.    

There is so much that I have to say but even now I am afraid of my soon to be "ex."  I'm afraid that somehow he will skew my words against me and against my desire to be a good mom.  I guess that I'm saying that a small part of me is still afraid of the control that he used to have over me.  The control was so intense and lasted for so many years that my normal was not "normal."  My normal was a life in a horrible marriage with a man who loved his electronics more than me.  

There is still much anger but I'm letting it go, bit by bit.  Piece by piece I am releasing the toxic nature of my past relationship.  I find myself smiling a lot now, sometimes I catch myself even singing along to the local Christian radio station.  

I do not know what my future holds but I know that so far, God has taken care of me through each step.   I have searched my soul, scoured it from the inside out.  I looked for God when I thought He had left me.  I clung to Him in a way that I have never before.  Nothing in my life until this point had put my soul in such turmoil.  I did not know who to trust and for a while didn't trust anyone, even my friends and family who just wanted to help me.  My sense of trust is not what it was before but I believe that can be rebuilt.  

So tonight I sit here, healing, partially healed but extremely happy.  My children (I call them that because I try to keep this online persona very vague in case my ex reads it....see, even now I still fear him).  My children give me the courage to become a better mom, and a better woman.  I have small people watching my every move.  I so want those kids to look at me and see how God is making me into something beautiful.  Or maybe He is revealing that I've been beautiful all along.

Someday I want to use my experiences with abuse and divorce to help others.  I want to help women who find themselves in a living nightmare.  I want to be the hand of God in their lives.  I'm praying about how He will lead me to do this.  I've already had several ideas; now to just follow Him.

Tonight I go to sleep happy and full of joy.  Thankful for God's comfort.  Thankful for my friends who have listened to me rant and rave on this subject and that.  Thankful for their patience to their very crazy friend.  I have so much to be thankful for.  I'm happy, healthy, and alive and best of all, I get to be their mom. It doesn't get much better than that!