I was recently unfriended by two people. I am baffled slightly at this because I felt like we all had a normal FB relationship. Mostly talk on FB, met one in person, etc. Then boom. Two people who were in my life are now gone. What does one make of this?
One could take it personally but I don't.
One could give it another thought but I won't although I might wonder if I did or said something offensive to this person in order to reconcile with them and mend the FB friendship.
Right now I have bigger fish to fry and although I did notice two defectors I do not plan to hold it against them. They each had their reasons. Someday, maybe they can tell me so that I can learn from them. Or maybe I'm to not know.
Tonight I'm thankful to be here, to be alive, to have little people who think I'm supermom. That is enough for me. And to have furry beasts to keep me company even though they are all sometimes naughty. One was just chewing on my shoe. My new shoe. He's in the dog house for sure.
Tonight I am hanging onto the people I can count on. They know who they are. They've been with me through the ups and downs of my life, the ebb and flow of my life.
Heck I might clean out my FB friends too! Spring, er, I mean, summer cleaning is underway!
Thursday, June 23, 2011
Sunday, June 19, 2011
Not gonna just lay down
My ex is not having the kids return my calls on "his" weekends. It's stupid and petty. What a jerk. He never calls them here on my weekends which I would be fine with. I'm surprised he doesn't.
Whether he plays mind games or not, ultimately I do not care. My God is so much bigger than my ex's petty tactics that I'm just leaving it at God's feet for Him to deal with it.
I had my kids basically taken from me many years ago when I was having a very hard and long depressive spell (they sent them to day care). I then asked for them back when I was feeling up to it and no dice. So the reason I have such distaste for my ex is because he took them from me and did not return them. (no they are not property but they came out of MY belly, not his).
Just frustrated, that's all. Want my babies back with me. I'll do whatever it takes.
Whether he plays mind games or not, ultimately I do not care. My God is so much bigger than my ex's petty tactics that I'm just leaving it at God's feet for Him to deal with it.
I had my kids basically taken from me many years ago when I was having a very hard and long depressive spell (they sent them to day care). I then asked for them back when I was feeling up to it and no dice. So the reason I have such distaste for my ex is because he took them from me and did not return them. (no they are not property but they came out of MY belly, not his).
Just frustrated, that's all. Want my babies back with me. I'll do whatever it takes.
Saturday, June 18, 2011
Wild Week
After my one good day of feeling good it went back to not feeling good. Again. Getting so tired of this. Wishing my body did not do what it does and that my mind would cooperate and that I did not have bipolar disorder (that is tonight's feelings).
I'm just sick and tired of feeling sick and tired. This morning I was able to work on my business and did sell a few items which was nice. I still have a long way to go to pay back my own loan to my business that came from my personal finances. I prayed about it all this morning, gave the day to God and He blessed it. It was nice. I also decided that I was going to have fun with it because I do love what I do and until today I'd been just not feeling good so what is usually fun was work. That probably translated into not so many sales. Plus I lowered my prices. I've learned the area that I'm selling in just simply doesn't have very good bunches of folks with disposable income in this economy. So I'll adjust to them and to that.
I took a WONDERFUL 3 hour nap. Conked out. I just took my night pills which include a medication which makes me go to sleep and sleep through the night. They will be kicking in soon so this post will be rather short.
The cats are having a fight over the bed. It's a big bed. The little cat is a bully and has gotten the older cat to NOT sleep by me like she always did. I'm mad about it. I did knock the older cat's pillow off. Hmmm. I must troubleshoot problem.
To all you out there, goodnight. Sweet dreams. Count your blessings. Then go count some sheep.
Night.
I'm just sick and tired of feeling sick and tired. This morning I was able to work on my business and did sell a few items which was nice. I still have a long way to go to pay back my own loan to my business that came from my personal finances. I prayed about it all this morning, gave the day to God and He blessed it. It was nice. I also decided that I was going to have fun with it because I do love what I do and until today I'd been just not feeling good so what is usually fun was work. That probably translated into not so many sales. Plus I lowered my prices. I've learned the area that I'm selling in just simply doesn't have very good bunches of folks with disposable income in this economy. So I'll adjust to them and to that.
I took a WONDERFUL 3 hour nap. Conked out. I just took my night pills which include a medication which makes me go to sleep and sleep through the night. They will be kicking in soon so this post will be rather short.
The cats are having a fight over the bed. It's a big bed. The little cat is a bully and has gotten the older cat to NOT sleep by me like she always did. I'm mad about it. I did knock the older cat's pillow off. Hmmm. I must troubleshoot problem.
To all you out there, goodnight. Sweet dreams. Count your blessings. Then go count some sheep.
Night.
Monday, June 13, 2011
Yea, a good day
Today was a good day. I actually felt good, all day long. I was a little sleepy at one point but it passed. I was able to do what was in front of me and do it well. I might even have another interview lined up. Woo hoo.
So tonight I celebrate a day of reprieve, a day of feeling good. These don't happen to me very much so it is worth celebrating.
Today I was thankful for my doctor and for my God. They make a good team!
With that I will bid you an early goodnight.
So tonight I celebrate a day of reprieve, a day of feeling good. These don't happen to me very much so it is worth celebrating.
Today I was thankful for my doctor and for my God. They make a good team!
With that I will bid you an early goodnight.
Friday, June 10, 2011
Round Two
Today was round two of visiting my doctor this week. We're trying to get some med issues ironed out and he wanted to see me before he went on vacation next week and he'll be out of the office. Good news is that he thinks I'm getting better or am better than I was on Tuesday. This is a good thing. We tweeked some meds around just a little bit...but feel like what we have is working finally. I'm not one of those bipolar patients that takes lithium and is magically healed. I am the ultra rapid cycling kind of bipolar disorder I in case you were wondering. What does that all mean? Google it.....
It means that I struggle to do things a little more than folks who don't have it do. It means my emotions are more intense and more up and down then those who don't have it. It means a lot of things. I'd love to say that I'm spiritually mature enough to be 100% thankful for it but I'm not. I struggle with it. I struggle wondering why I ended up with this thing that isn't curable, only treatable. Why it had to get in the way of so many friendships and ultimately my marriage?
There are some things that I am thankful for tonight. I am thankful to be here, in relatively good health, at my home, sober, sane (mostly), and to be a mom. I'm thankful to be alive. I'm thankful that God gave me the will to want to continue living despite what feels like big obstacles to me sometimes. God uses people, books, the Scriptures, and my doctor to get me through the rough times.
Tonight I'm thankful for my doctor. He gave me a pretty good pep talk for him this afternoon. We talked for probably more than 30 minutes, he got me all my prescriptions with refills (yeah) and I have to go back in two weeks to check in with him again to see how I'm doing.
My reality: this has been a very difficult two or three weeks. I've had multiple ups and downs, the highs were high and the lows were low. Starting to level off now and it feels good. I'm hoping to NOT wake up at 4 am tomorrow. I'm hoping to have enough energy for what God will put in my day tomorrow.
It means that I struggle to do things a little more than folks who don't have it do. It means my emotions are more intense and more up and down then those who don't have it. It means a lot of things. I'd love to say that I'm spiritually mature enough to be 100% thankful for it but I'm not. I struggle with it. I struggle wondering why I ended up with this thing that isn't curable, only treatable. Why it had to get in the way of so many friendships and ultimately my marriage?
There are some things that I am thankful for tonight. I am thankful to be here, in relatively good health, at my home, sober, sane (mostly), and to be a mom. I'm thankful to be alive. I'm thankful that God gave me the will to want to continue living despite what feels like big obstacles to me sometimes. God uses people, books, the Scriptures, and my doctor to get me through the rough times.
Tonight I'm thankful for my doctor. He gave me a pretty good pep talk for him this afternoon. We talked for probably more than 30 minutes, he got me all my prescriptions with refills (yeah) and I have to go back in two weeks to check in with him again to see how I'm doing.
My reality: this has been a very difficult two or three weeks. I've had multiple ups and downs, the highs were high and the lows were low. Starting to level off now and it feels good. I'm hoping to NOT wake up at 4 am tomorrow. I'm hoping to have enough energy for what God will put in my day tomorrow.
Kitchen Sinks and More Fun
Went to bed last night with my kitchen sinks backed up, I had just taken some high powered sleeping pills so couldn't call maintenance last night. This morning it appears they overflowed into my kitchen and seemed to be draining for about 5 minutes. Then they were backing up again.
I hate this place often. I don't like living here, it's small, I hate the carpet and we're crammed in here like sardines. But, the other part of me is thankful. Thankful to have found a place not too far a drive from the kids and is in a good area and I can afford it. So that is the biggest part of me. I guess that I'm thankful it is not in my HOME 'cuz then I'd be paying a plumber to fix it.
This morning I'm not having any weird side effects from my new medication - yet. I hope that I can make it through work today. Beginning to wonder about work but that is a topic for another post. I woke up at 5:30 this morning so here I sit with nothing to do. I'd like to go in early but that would make my day hellishly long so I'm not going to do that because I think that it will be all I can do to make it through 8 hours. I also have the kids tonight! yea. That is the best part of my day.
This weekend I'm unpacking the wet/dry vacuum I bought to vacuum up the bigger pieces of stuff my dog's gotten into like papers, take out boxes, just JUNK. I'm hoping to get it all cleaned up so I can run my steam vacuum over the carpet and get it REALLY clean. That would be great. All that and throw in some swimming and church and grocery shopping and that's my weekend in a nutshell. I had hoped to go grocery shopping last night but I didn't feel well so stayed home after counseling.
Thinking of the words to the song "You Are More" by Tenth Avenue North. That song speaks to my heart. -posted a day or so later, oops!
I hate this place often. I don't like living here, it's small, I hate the carpet and we're crammed in here like sardines. But, the other part of me is thankful. Thankful to have found a place not too far a drive from the kids and is in a good area and I can afford it. So that is the biggest part of me. I guess that I'm thankful it is not in my HOME 'cuz then I'd be paying a plumber to fix it.
This morning I'm not having any weird side effects from my new medication - yet. I hope that I can make it through work today. Beginning to wonder about work but that is a topic for another post. I woke up at 5:30 this morning so here I sit with nothing to do. I'd like to go in early but that would make my day hellishly long so I'm not going to do that because I think that it will be all I can do to make it through 8 hours. I also have the kids tonight! yea. That is the best part of my day.
This weekend I'm unpacking the wet/dry vacuum I bought to vacuum up the bigger pieces of stuff my dog's gotten into like papers, take out boxes, just JUNK. I'm hoping to get it all cleaned up so I can run my steam vacuum over the carpet and get it REALLY clean. That would be great. All that and throw in some swimming and church and grocery shopping and that's my weekend in a nutshell. I had hoped to go grocery shopping last night but I didn't feel well so stayed home after counseling.
Thinking of the words to the song "You Are More" by Tenth Avenue North. That song speaks to my heart. -posted a day or so later, oops!
Wednesday, June 8, 2011
Always Fun, Never a dull moment
Always an adventure in my life. I got put on a new medication last night and it kicked my butt a little bit. I ended up going home from work to rest this morning and afternoon. I'm dreading going back tomorrow.
Waiting to hear from my doctor on what dose is right. I am going off what he said yesterday, not what the bottle says. What he said is less and I suppose he'll titrate me up to the right level of medication. I just gotta be able to work while doing it.
I had a good meeting with my counselor tonight. We talked about a many things and she helped me to look at some things differently. A lot of things she agreed with me on. It was good.
Tomorrow I hope to return back to work and feel good. It could happen! :-)
I'm the eternal optimist....tomorrow's a new day with no mistakes in it yet. God grants us a clean slate each and every day if we're His children. Not many people can say that and understand how amazing that is. Every day I get to enjoy what Jesus did on the cross - take the punishment for my sin and offer forgiveness. I'm forgiven! That's grace man. Amazing grace.
Waiting to hear from my doctor on what dose is right. I am going off what he said yesterday, not what the bottle says. What he said is less and I suppose he'll titrate me up to the right level of medication. I just gotta be able to work while doing it.
I had a good meeting with my counselor tonight. We talked about a many things and she helped me to look at some things differently. A lot of things she agreed with me on. It was good.
Tomorrow I hope to return back to work and feel good. It could happen! :-)
I'm the eternal optimist....tomorrow's a new day with no mistakes in it yet. God grants us a clean slate each and every day if we're His children. Not many people can say that and understand how amazing that is. Every day I get to enjoy what Jesus did on the cross - take the punishment for my sin and offer forgiveness. I'm forgiven! That's grace man. Amazing grace.
Sunday, June 5, 2011
Mr. Depression and a Thorn in my Side
This has been the longest day. Depression has followed me around today like an unwelcome friend. I couldn't shake it all day. Did everything that I usually do: prayed, took a nap, played with animals, saw a movie, hung out. Still depression has landed on me like a cloud, a dark cloud. An ominous severe thunderstorm warning with a threat of tornados. That is what I feel like.
Mildly comforted by some new clothes, sandals and flip flops purchased oh and a new purse. All of which I needed for work. I with you got a work allowance for clothing. That would be great.
I have some big decisions to make regarding my health and how I'd like to handle this. Harder when there are kids and animals involved. Doctor is going to treat me outpatient but that is hard and I won't get much face time with him. My new insurance really stinks. I was so disappointed on Friday when I learned about my lack of benefits. My company most likely wrote a policy disallowing the type of treatment I got last year in order to save some money. I get that. But it still sucks.
Tomorrow my doc wants me to go back to work. I do not feel up to it but I have a feeling if I want to save my job that I will be there, early, work through lunch and put in a good day's work. I'm extremely lacking in the energy department as Mr. Depression (think that's what I'm going to name my depression) has sucked all the joy out of me.
If you are a reader, please say a prayer for me. Pray that I can conquer this round of depression with some dignity and grace and that ultimately the Lord will be glorified, even in my weakness. Especially in my weakness. I so relate to Paul wanting his "thorn in his side" removed. Lord would you consider removing my thorn in the side? Not my will but thine be done.
goodnight
Mildly comforted by some new clothes, sandals and flip flops purchased oh and a new purse. All of which I needed for work. I with you got a work allowance for clothing. That would be great.
I have some big decisions to make regarding my health and how I'd like to handle this. Harder when there are kids and animals involved. Doctor is going to treat me outpatient but that is hard and I won't get much face time with him. My new insurance really stinks. I was so disappointed on Friday when I learned about my lack of benefits. My company most likely wrote a policy disallowing the type of treatment I got last year in order to save some money. I get that. But it still sucks.
Tomorrow my doc wants me to go back to work. I do not feel up to it but I have a feeling if I want to save my job that I will be there, early, work through lunch and put in a good day's work. I'm extremely lacking in the energy department as Mr. Depression (think that's what I'm going to name my depression) has sucked all the joy out of me.
If you are a reader, please say a prayer for me. Pray that I can conquer this round of depression with some dignity and grace and that ultimately the Lord will be glorified, even in my weakness. Especially in my weakness. I so relate to Paul wanting his "thorn in his side" removed. Lord would you consider removing my thorn in the side? Not my will but thine be done.
goodnight
Walking Through the Fire
It's Sunday. I woke up early this morning but felt rested. Today I take my dog to our training class. Then I plan to take a nap and do some cleaning.
As frustrating as this week has been it has unveiled an unexpected blessing that I can't go into. It came in the form of amazing peace over a decision that I had made and an endorsement by someone who knows me well and my situation. What is funny is that I know this could only come from God and He provided it JUST at the right time. I was really struggling with something and to hear what I heard when I heard it was indeed a blessing. How thankful I am for that man and for my God.
I don't know what God's got planned for me. I do know that I'm stubborn and that I am not giving up on anything: life, love, family, nothing. I fall then I get back up with God's help. I fall again then I take refuge under God's shelter. Without God's supernatural strength I would not be here today writing this blog. He has brought me through hell on earth and back to Him. I never understood why I went through what I went through but I do know that it has produced an unearthly strength that only comes when you've walked through the fire.
God has taken what the world would have thrown away (me) and has re-made me into a woman more and more like Himself. This amazing strength has come at great price to me personally but now I know why I need it. I am well equipped to be my children's mother BECAUSE of going through that fire. Because I have bipolar disorder I am uniquely qualified to be a mother, to be THEIR mother. When past people said it was a bad thing, I beg to differ. No one on the face of this earth is more qualified to be a mom than I am. I walked through that fire in order to be their mother. And I'm not going anywhere.
As frustrating as this week has been it has unveiled an unexpected blessing that I can't go into. It came in the form of amazing peace over a decision that I had made and an endorsement by someone who knows me well and my situation. What is funny is that I know this could only come from God and He provided it JUST at the right time. I was really struggling with something and to hear what I heard when I heard it was indeed a blessing. How thankful I am for that man and for my God.
I don't know what God's got planned for me. I do know that I'm stubborn and that I am not giving up on anything: life, love, family, nothing. I fall then I get back up with God's help. I fall again then I take refuge under God's shelter. Without God's supernatural strength I would not be here today writing this blog. He has brought me through hell on earth and back to Him. I never understood why I went through what I went through but I do know that it has produced an unearthly strength that only comes when you've walked through the fire.
God has taken what the world would have thrown away (me) and has re-made me into a woman more and more like Himself. This amazing strength has come at great price to me personally but now I know why I need it. I am well equipped to be my children's mother BECAUSE of going through that fire. Because I have bipolar disorder I am uniquely qualified to be a mother, to be THEIR mother. When past people said it was a bad thing, I beg to differ. No one on the face of this earth is more qualified to be a mom than I am. I walked through that fire in order to be their mother. And I'm not going anywhere.
Friday, June 3, 2011
SM or SuperMom, Insurance Woes and the State of my Union tonight
I learned about how pathetic my new insurance is. Our employer just gave us new insurance, touting it as great and how they kept down costs. Well my premiums on generics went up by $3/each prescription (I take something like 9). Then there are the two name brand ones I take that went from $30/month to $45/month.
Then my specialist copay went from $30 to $50. So my costs for the year have increased by a lot. If I go into the hospital it's $200/day.
So tonight I sit frustrated at not being able to be treated by a program that could have helped me a lot. Instead I have to or am blessed to return to my job in the next couple of days and then see my doctor soon. I do not know how long I will feel bad or if I'll start feeling better tomorrow.
But tonight I just feel let down by my company. We work hard for them and they bought us crappy insurance this year. Perhaps this makes me feel better about that resume that I sent out this morning looking for ANOTHER JOB. I'm getting out of that place.
Until then I'm choosing to let go of the frustration as it serves no one. I'm missing my little people but it was a joy to wake up with them giggling this morning, already dressed and ready for the day. They are stepping up and taking more responsibility around here and it's been great. My oldest drew a picture of me in a dress with SM on the front for SuperMom. ha. Go put that in your pipe, dad, and suck it.
Then my specialist copay went from $30 to $50. So my costs for the year have increased by a lot. If I go into the hospital it's $200/day.
So tonight I sit frustrated at not being able to be treated by a program that could have helped me a lot. Instead I have to or am blessed to return to my job in the next couple of days and then see my doctor soon. I do not know how long I will feel bad or if I'll start feeling better tomorrow.
But tonight I just feel let down by my company. We work hard for them and they bought us crappy insurance this year. Perhaps this makes me feel better about that resume that I sent out this morning looking for ANOTHER JOB. I'm getting out of that place.
Until then I'm choosing to let go of the frustration as it serves no one. I'm missing my little people but it was a joy to wake up with them giggling this morning, already dressed and ready for the day. They are stepping up and taking more responsibility around here and it's been great. My oldest drew a picture of me in a dress with SM on the front for SuperMom. ha. Go put that in your pipe, dad, and suck it.
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