Mosaic of my Heart

Tonight I was able to talk with my mom for a long time.  I learn so much from her and realize now that she's my greatest supporter.  I've been horrible to her for years....yet she just loves me no matter what.  It's humbling.  My mom has helped to make me the mom that I am today and I'm proud of who I am and what I'm doing with my life and with my family and others.

God knows what He has planned for my life.  I believe that He has a good future planned for me and for my children.  Even if I am alone for the rest of my life I will have known what it is like to have loved and to have loved deeply.  For a short while I lived what my dream was.  Then it became what felt like a nightmare.  God can do amazing things out of the pieces of my heart.  I believe that now my heart is like a beautiful mosaic that God is creating into art.  Beautiful, new art.

Boy I've come a long way, baby!

Being Happy for Others

Being happy for other people when you're not feeling particularly happy is a little hard.  Tonight I listened to the children tell about their fun day with their dad and I was happy for them but part of me wished that I was able to take them there.  I need to realize and be thankful that their dad can afford things that I can't and that just makes the kid's lives even richer.

Sent some hugs and kisses to my little one tonight on the phone.  Big one wants me to come over to see their house.

Tonight I had therapy and just feel drained.   So I'm going to unplug for a while.  Maybe watch some tv and relax.

goodnight and goodbye for the day!

Empowering the Young

Tonight we dined and then we played.  Met some new kids at the apartment; they seem nice.  A bunch of young boys, three under 8.

Big day at work today, I seemed to get a lot done this morning and then this afternoon it went really slow.  I had a big, complicated job to work on which took most of the afternoon but it will pay off in the end for the clients.

I feel like the stress has let up (after last week's ordeal).  I'm back to my normal healthy happy self.  I had fun tonight with the children.  I hate that I have to call them "the children" because I can't afford to have my "ex" identify me or anyone else mentioned in this blog.  Trying to be anonymous.

Frankly I'm sick of being anonymous.  I can't wait until this divorce is final and I can finally be free from that control freak.  Now I have to teach my children how to become self-assured young people.  Was working on that with the oldest at dinner tonight.  I told her that it was okay for her to have her own opinions but that she still had to obey mom and dad.

I have to empower them how to deal with their situation and with their dad.  And do it in a way that does not tear him down (that's tricky).  One said this weekend that maybe "daddy doesn't love you" (she was dealing with the divorce not being my idea).  She came up with this all by herself.  She also told me that she likes the way I do activity X with them, that dad doesn't do X but I do.

My parenting strategy has changed since I first moved here until now.   Now I need to empower them to deal with the situation they are in, since I am unable to change it as quickly as I'd like.  Sometimes I think of the future and wonder if God will give me back my babies.  I hope and I pray.  I want a good future for myself and I feel trapped a little bit still.

Missing Them

Missing them bad.   I do not like this.  When they are not with me I worry about their well being, their safety.  I think that is the plight of all mamas out there.

I will never stop fighting for them, never.

Weekends are hard, that's when I miss them the most.

I want to scoop them up and just hold them tight.

Now I just pray for them.  That God will protect them.

I pray for wisdom for me and strength.

Pray

Missing my children tonight and it's only been a little while since they left.  I had a lovely time with them...too much fun.  I think that with each week that goes by I'm even more thankful to be a mom.  To be their mom.  God knew.

Every time I have to "give them back" (what it seems like), I'm sad but mostly because my little one needs me.  So does my big one.  I feel like with the little one I just get to know him/her and then I have give her back.

I'm missing them already.  I'm missing them with all of my heart.  God, please give me back my angels.  I cannot bear to be without them.

Wax On, Wax Off

Great weekend, had a real blast working on some things again that I haven't done in a long time.  For many years I was told that I wasn't a real X, I just did Y.  This weekend I proved to me that not only am  I good at X, I'm darn good at it!

Being creative was such a good thing for me this weekend.  It was relaxing.  I mean, only doing something that I love could I sit in one very uncomfortable kitchen chair for 13 hours and barely want to stop at the end of that 13 hours.  Plus, I got to work on it some today too.  Not as much as I would have liked but enough.  I plan to work tomorrow on it.

Big week at work.  Big week in personal life.  Big week in general.  I took some time for myself today and took a nap and it was so refreshing.  I felt so much more at peace after that and could start back in on my work.

This might sound funny but I totally want to see the new Karate Kid movie with Will Smith's kid in it.  Looks great.    I had planned to go to a movie yesterday but got wrapped up in stuff, then today took a nap through my window to go.  Oh well.  I can do it again in two weeks.

So tonight I pray for peace from God.  That He will send His angels down to guard over my steps, my walk and my words.  I pray for wisdom with this big week coming up.  I need courage to say the truth, even if that means saying things that are hard to say, hard for some to hear and just hard.  I will not be bullied anymore.  I am ready to tell what I need to say, what happened to me and who did it to me.  That is the scariest thing in the whole world still.  That's how powerful abuse is.  That person's still inside your head years after they're gone.

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference.  Old matra.  Same message.  Still relevant.

Now I unplug.  Unglue myself a little from the web.  Concentrate on people I love, friends I care about and pray for my children.

Unplugged Plugging

Unplugging myself.  Plugging in the ole laptop.  Bedybytime.

Night night all