Knocked down but not destroyed

Feeling defeated tonight.  I had a good weekend but this evening definitely effected that.  My heart aches, I'm angry and not feeling very charitable toward certain people this evening.

I feel like I'm battling Satan himself.  He will not win but he sure puts a kink in things.

My heart hurts.  For me and for my children.

God, work in this situation what you will and heal my hurting heart if that would be your will.

Protect my children.

Amen

Younger Learning from Older

Good day, long day but good.  Was encouraged by a sister in Christ, a mom of one of my friends who has walked my path before me.  It was so nice.  The Bible talks about the younger women learning from older women.  What a rich tradition and one we don't do so much here in the U.S.  I'm going to start up a movement.

Might have a lead and a plan for housing which is good.  Now to see what God has planned and how my credit rating is.  It used to be perfect....UNTIL.  (trying not to be resentful is so hard).  I've struggled with holding onto resentments a lot in life.  I have an excellent memory unfortunately and I do not give others the grace that I enjoy from them sometimes.  I'm much better now than I used to be.  18 years ago I wrote out all my resentments and then made them right.  What a liberating experience.

I am starting to search out my old friends again and it's wonderful.  I need people in my life so much.  For support and to be of encouragement to others.

God is taking such good care of me.  I'm happy to counted as one of His children.

night all!

Mosaic of my Heart

Tonight I was able to talk with my mom for a long time.  I learn so much from her and realize now that she's my greatest supporter.  I've been horrible to her for years....yet she just loves me no matter what.  It's humbling.  My mom has helped to make me the mom that I am today and I'm proud of who I am and what I'm doing with my life and with my family and others.

God knows what He has planned for my life.  I believe that He has a good future planned for me and for my children.  Even if I am alone for the rest of my life I will have known what it is like to have loved and to have loved deeply.  For a short while I lived what my dream was.  Then it became what felt like a nightmare.  God can do amazing things out of the pieces of my heart.  I believe that now my heart is like a beautiful mosaic that God is creating into art.  Beautiful, new art.

Boy I've come a long way, baby!

Being Happy for Others

Being happy for other people when you're not feeling particularly happy is a little hard.  Tonight I listened to the children tell about their fun day with their dad and I was happy for them but part of me wished that I was able to take them there.  I need to realize and be thankful that their dad can afford things that I can't and that just makes the kid's lives even richer.

Sent some hugs and kisses to my little one tonight on the phone.  Big one wants me to come over to see their house.

Tonight I had therapy and just feel drained.   So I'm going to unplug for a while.  Maybe watch some tv and relax.

goodnight and goodbye for the day!

Empowering the Young

Tonight we dined and then we played.  Met some new kids at the apartment; they seem nice.  A bunch of young boys, three under 8.

Big day at work today, I seemed to get a lot done this morning and then this afternoon it went really slow.  I had a big, complicated job to work on which took most of the afternoon but it will pay off in the end for the clients.

I feel like the stress has let up (after last week's ordeal).  I'm back to my normal healthy happy self.  I had fun tonight with the children.  I hate that I have to call them "the children" because I can't afford to have my "ex" identify me or anyone else mentioned in this blog.  Trying to be anonymous.

Frankly I'm sick of being anonymous.  I can't wait until this divorce is final and I can finally be free from that control freak.  Now I have to teach my children how to become self-assured young people.  Was working on that with the oldest at dinner tonight.  I told her that it was okay for her to have her own opinions but that she still had to obey mom and dad.

I have to empower them how to deal with their situation and with their dad.  And do it in a way that does not tear him down (that's tricky).  One said this weekend that maybe "daddy doesn't love you" (she was dealing with the divorce not being my idea).  She came up with this all by herself.  She also told me that she likes the way I do activity X with them, that dad doesn't do X but I do.

My parenting strategy has changed since I first moved here until now.   Now I need to empower them to deal with the situation they are in, since I am unable to change it as quickly as I'd like.  Sometimes I think of the future and wonder if God will give me back my babies.  I hope and I pray.  I want a good future for myself and I feel trapped a little bit still.

Missing Them

Missing them bad.   I do not like this.  When they are not with me I worry about their well being, their safety.  I think that is the plight of all mamas out there.

I will never stop fighting for them, never.

Weekends are hard, that's when I miss them the most.

I want to scoop them up and just hold them tight.

Now I just pray for them.  That God will protect them.

I pray for wisdom for me and strength.

Pray

Missing my children tonight and it's only been a little while since they left.  I had a lovely time with them...too much fun.  I think that with each week that goes by I'm even more thankful to be a mom.  To be their mom.  God knew.

Every time I have to "give them back" (what it seems like), I'm sad but mostly because my little one needs me.  So does my big one.  I feel like with the little one I just get to know him/her and then I have give her back.

I'm missing them already.  I'm missing them with all of my heart.  God, please give me back my angels.  I cannot bear to be without them.