Wonderful

It's been a while since I posted.  I've needed some time off....just to mend and relax.  I've been writing, just not on here!

It is my day off.  Ahhhhhh so thankful to still have a good job, to participate in life and to be MAKING IT.  I am doing this thing called life.  Oh I stink at it sometimes but I am doing it.

I am so mellow and at peace it is WONDERFUL.  What a nice gift from God.

Determined

I'm weary and tired but I'm not finished by any means.   The more someone tries to knock me down the more sure footed I become, the more I cling to God, the deeper my relationship with my Savior.

So many things that I want to do.  Right now it's about being faithful in the everyday things.  Sleep, eat, go to work, do my very best at work, contribute to other's lives, be a mother.

Is there more that I want?  Of course.  Right now I am doing what I can with what I have.  Am I doing it perfectly?  Nope!  Do I feel good about myself?  Yep!  I know that I honor God by keeping on keeping on.  When others try to knock me down and keep me down, I choose life.  I choose to get out of bed every day when physically and mentally it can be hard.  I choose to be a good mom...to teach and help mold small hearts.

I'm headed back to court. Again.  The thought makes me weary.  I am tired and weary but do not be fooled.  I am determined and I will not give up.

So Long

It's been a while since I've posted on here.  I've needed a break, physically, mentally, spiritually and emotionally.  So I've taken a break.  I've been continuing to seek what God might have for me.

My counselor thinks that I've doing great and doesn't need to see me every week.  Woo hoo!  Maybe all the talking and the praying and the crying and the work are starting to help me heal.  My heart.

I am thinking of doing many things this next year, two of which will require a lot of time.  My heart is in one of them and the other I am cautiously looking into the other but it would require some time, money, and a lot of energy and commitment.

From where I sit, God is good.  He is all powerful and sits on the throne of my life.  I do not know from day to day what this will bring but it's an adventure.

Detante

I guess that I thought that since it was over things would be easier.  NOT.

No detante here.

God give me strength.  My kids need me.

Getting my stuff back

Today I get the afternoon to pack the things from the house that my ex-husband and I had together.  I have packers coming and a friend.  I am already a nervous wreck at the thought of having to spend the entire afternoon with my ex husband.  He stresses me out and I do not want conflict.  I am glad others will be there, he's less likely to cause problems with us  all there.

It i s going to be the world's longest morning.  I'm absolutely STARVING....didn't have dinner last night, just some snacks and now I'm ravenously hungry.  And broke.  Might have to be PB&J today.

I just gotta make it through Wednesday at 4...then it is our Christmas work party and I am sooo hoping we get a Christmas bonus because if we don't I probably can't afford to buy my kids Christmas presents this year.  That hurts my heart but it might be my reality.  We'll just see how things work out today.  I've decided to cut my move in half and only store at one location.  That should help.   I am excited about getting some furniture that I want, some that I've had for years and has been in my family that long.

Then God willing, Thursday I can go grocery shopping and buy presents for the week.  I get the kids next week every night for a week.....so I'm super excited. That is my Christmas present.

I should go shower and begin my day....and get some food in my stomach and go put all my boxes in the car and then find my packing tape and buy newspaper.  I am not going to buy a ton of extra stuff from these packers I've had to hire.  Also need markers......

ahhhhh the fun of getting MY stuff back.

The title of "ex" : join or disengage?

Day two of new life (unmarried, divorced life).  I hate the term divorced.  I don't like to hear people talk about their ex-husbands or ex-wives.  I hate the terminology.  But if I say the kid's dad then people may not think I was married when I had them and risk being misunderstood and having poor morals.

So I suppose that I will have to join the ranks of the exs.  I go there unwillingly and with reservation.

Last night I told my oldest about the divorce being final.  He/She said "that's sad."  Then I talked about how good God is to take care of us and he/she even gave me an example of how God provided for us in a real way.  I think that he/she understood the sadness and tiredness I had AND the hope.

Today I felt the stress start to lessen.  I've got to get through this next weekend.  Then make it to Christmas.  Then MAYBE then I will be able to get into a groove.  Figure out what Phase II is going to look like.  Pray about what God has for me in Phase II.

I'm still tired.  I should get to bed.  I had to get up early this morning to make lunches and get the kids ready for school (I love it - I am not complaining).  One forgot some clothes so I went back and boy was she/he happy!

God will make a way.  He always does.  He owns the cattle on a thousand hills and He will care for me.

Done. Finis. Over.

It's done.  Marriage is over.  Attorneys and judge signed a document and we are no longer married.  Two years of hell on earth and today it's over.  I want to say that I feel relieved and I do.  I wish that I could feel more positive but I don't.  When I see my former husband tearing up as we wrapped up I wondered: is it from relief or does he also feel like me?  Like how the heck did we get here?

Tonight the sadness has hit.  I did good all day, didn't cry until just now when I had to talk to family about it all.  Now the tears are starting to flow.  I'm thankful to not have the kids here tonight.  I sure wish that I could have talked to them but they were probably talking to their grandma.

I need sleep.  I'm WORN DOWN to the core.  I did my budget today and I can't even afford to store my things.  Wish that I didn't have medical expenses.

I am not sure how I am going to afford to live.  I did another budget today and I was like: that is less than I make.  Take alimony out and I can't afford to live.

Gotta keep trusting God to care for me like He has.  Just hard 'cuz tonight I feel down.   I saw in the parking lot at the court house praying for a miracle that didn't come.

I have nothing positive to say tonight.  I'm worn out, beat down and now I'm just alone.  Somebody try to put a positive spin on that?  Yeah, there isn't one.  IT SUCKS.  Bottom line.  I have lost my family and my husband.

On that note I sign off.  I do not feel like being positive, my optimism is gone and I'm not sure it's returning.  I need to close this down and get some sleep.

Then there came on a song....reminding me....of God's love......just a glimmer of hope in the middle of this darkness.  It's enough to hang on for tonight.  Tomorrow I will get up like usual and press on.

"Saddle up your horses...we got a trail to blaze....lets follow our Leader into the glorious unknown.  This i sa life like no other.  This is the great adventure. We'll travel over  over mountains so high we'll go through valleys below.  this is the greatest journey that the human heart will ever see.  The Love of God will take us far beyond our wildest dreams.  Saddle up your horses."

That song played the night I realized that I could not be married to him anymore.  It is on now.  How fitting.  God's got me covered.

Night.