Done. Finis. Over.

It's done.  Marriage is over.  Attorneys and judge signed a document and we are no longer married.  Two years of hell on earth and today it's over.  I want to say that I feel relieved and I do.  I wish that I could feel more positive but I don't.  When I see my former husband tearing up as we wrapped up I wondered: is it from relief or does he also feel like me?  Like how the heck did we get here?

Tonight the sadness has hit.  I did good all day, didn't cry until just now when I had to talk to family about it all.  Now the tears are starting to flow.  I'm thankful to not have the kids here tonight.  I sure wish that I could have talked to them but they were probably talking to their grandma.

I need sleep.  I'm WORN DOWN to the core.  I did my budget today and I can't even afford to store my things.  Wish that I didn't have medical expenses.

I am not sure how I am going to afford to live.  I did another budget today and I was like: that is less than I make.  Take alimony out and I can't afford to live.

Gotta keep trusting God to care for me like He has.  Just hard 'cuz tonight I feel down.   I saw in the parking lot at the court house praying for a miracle that didn't come.

I have nothing positive to say tonight.  I'm worn out, beat down and now I'm just alone.  Somebody try to put a positive spin on that?  Yeah, there isn't one.  IT SUCKS.  Bottom line.  I have lost my family and my husband.

On that note I sign off.  I do not feel like being positive, my optimism is gone and I'm not sure it's returning.  I need to close this down and get some sleep.

Then there came on a song....reminding me....of God's love......just a glimmer of hope in the middle of this darkness.  It's enough to hang on for tonight.  Tomorrow I will get up like usual and press on.

"Saddle up your horses...we got a trail to blaze....lets follow our Leader into the glorious unknown.  This i sa life like no other.  This is the great adventure. We'll travel over  over mountains so high we'll go through valleys below.  this is the greatest journey that the human heart will ever see.  The Love of God will take us far beyond our wildest dreams.  Saddle up your horses."

That song played the night I realized that I could not be married to him anymore.  It is on now.  How fitting.  God's got me covered.

Night.