My life has been so wild for so long I don't even know how to describe how it's been and continues. Crazy would be accurate. Good would be too. Frustrating would also describe it. Fulfilling sometimes. Joyous at times. Frantic at other times. Sad sometimes. Excited about the future all the time.
I am in the last leg of what has been a very long journey. Sometimes I feel like all the changes are good and sometimes they stress me out. I mean, really. I've had multiple positions at the same company and I haven't even been there two years (I'm in my fourth position there). I'm still in the middle of what has been the most stressful two to six years of my life.
People wonder how I keep going. I just point them to Jesus because without God's love and strength I would be a goner. With Him I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. That is a verse that I teach my kids. Over and over and over. I hope they hide it in their little hearts and when they are scared or don't feel up to the task before them, they will remember what their mama taught them. The Bible tells us to hide these words in our heart. Why? That we might not sin against thee. Thee? Yes, most of my BIble memory was done at a school that was very pro King James Version. Lots of thous and thees in that version. I'm more of an NIV or New American Standard girl now.
So why I am I sitting here when I should be sleeping? It's because I feel this need to express myself and a need to point back to God and to give HIM praise for what He is doing and continues to do for me. Lately my financial circumstances have changed and now things are going to be well, tight, for a long time. I'm not sure I will be able to do it with two kids and all but my sister in law reminded me that I just need to trust God for it. So I am. I just prayed last night and asked God to provide just what I need financially and to care for me through this time.
I'm sitting here listening to the song "You are More" by Tenth Avenue North and it might as well be my story. "You are more than the choices that you've made. You are more than the sum of your past mistakes. You are more than the problems you create. You've been remade."
"She can't shake the feeling that it's not true tonight. Don't you know who you are?"
For many years I let my self esteem be dictated by someone who was well, a dictator. Instead of drawing my worth from my God, from the amazing gift of His son, I let this person, this man tell me things that were not true about myself, year after year. I didn't even realize it was happening to me. Slowly I lost who I was, the things I valued, the interests I used to have, everything. I CHANGED and not for the better. I had been whittled down into what felt like a lesser woman.
Two years later I still struggle with issues of self esteem. I fight a body that won't cooperate with my desire to be thinner. My thyroid disease keeps me constantly frustrated at my appearance. The tapes in my head play sometimes and now instead of listening and believing them I fill my mind with verses, songs, worship, praise. Others. My children.
You see I've been set free. You wouldn't have guessed that I was a captive but in a way that's very much what it felt like to live with someone who psychologically abuses you. I've been set free from him. In a unique way. Although I did not desire a divorce, he was the one to file. This was his plan. Although I wish it weren't so I'm days away from being legally severed from this man. It still hurts like crazy. You see, I'm a very loyal person and when I gave my vow to him I meant it. It doesn't matter anymore. We're past that. Now I sit here on the Saturday before my divorce will probably be decreed, thinking and pondering many things.
I think about how much I've gone through and that I've been through the fire and have come out the other side, a purer metal. All the invaluable has been burned away and I am now made of the finest gold. You see, God set me free. He set me free from a bad situation and here I am. Thankful, happy and sad all rolled into one.
When I was small I always had this feeling that God had something really big planned for me to do or to be. As I've gotten older I still have that pie in the sky view of life and that is what makes me ME. The eternal optimist even in the worst of times and situations. You see, it is God who put that optimism in me. It is He who gives me what I need, and meets my needs. He has radically changed me in the past 5 years, the past two especially since I've been on my own. He has taken me from beaten down abused wife to a woman who believes she is fearfully and wonderfully made in God's image. I no longer look to what others say or think about me to measure my worth because I know my worth - it is as a child of God.
God's greatest treasure is the treasure of you - Steven Curtis Chapman song. I love that song. The God of the universe created us, and we are the apple of His eye. Since becoming a parent I have come to understand God's love for us as our Heavenly Father. It is such a wonderful metaphor, but also a very real reality. As crazy I am about my two children, God feels like that about ME. How cool is that? And even more perfectly because God can love perfectly.
It's getting late and I should sleep. Tomorrow is filled with holiday baking with my children and fun to be had making memories that I hope will last a lifetime (or at least until next week). Note to self: take pictures tomorrow.
So if you are doubting your worth tonight, remember WHO you are in Christ if you are a Christian. If you do not know Jesus as your savior, this amazing relationship is waiting for you to say YES.
So maybe I'm nieve thinking that I was created for something great. Perhaps I'm already doing it (being a mom!). Perhaps God's got more plans for me too. I will follow wherever He leads me. Won't you follow Him too?
No comments:
Post a Comment