Beaten but not Broken

Today I rested.  People don't seem to realize that if I do not rest on the weekends I can barely keep up to the demands on my heart, life and work.

So I did what my body needed.  I rested.  I took two naps.

I waited all day to call my children.  So I do.  It rings twice and it goes directly to voicemail.  Pretty sure their dad has it programmed that way.  I left them a message (not him) and asked that their dad help them call me before they go to bed.

I sit here. Mad. Alone. And a maniac has my children.  He has another thing coming - me.  For I will be coming for my children and I do not plan to play fair.   I will use whatever I have at my disposal to demonstrate just what type of person he is and why he is not fit to be their primary caregiver.

I also sit here a Christian.  And a mom.  I have to do what is in the kids best interests....no matter what or how hard.  I don't know if that means to live and let live or to go down fighting for them.  I feel on one hand that I've been discouraged from pursuing them.  Everyone has this strategy, etc.  I feel like it's a bunch of crap.  I want my kids.  I want them here.

I don't understand but I serve a God that is infinity wise and omnipotent.  I know that on one hand and the other hand cries out to Him in hurt and pain over my children not being with me and there seems to be this silence from on high.  That is what I do not understand about my Lord.

I feel like I've taken a beating and I feel beat down.  The attempts at control and abuse continue even though we are no longer living in the same house.  My oldest told me something his/her dad told me that he said to him/her and it literally made me want to either cry or go to bat for this little person.

So tonight I will just pray.  For my younguns.  That God will watch over them until they can be here with me again.  Tomorrow I need to clean the kitchen, get it ready for the troops and all the holiday cooking we'll be doing next week and weekend.

So if you're among my three readers, say a prayer for this beaten down mom.  Pray that she can remember just who she is in the Lord and that God will empower her to do what is in front of me.  Give me wisdom, God, to know what to do for my little ones.  Give me wisdom to know how to be the mom they need.  I was asking my oldest what he/she remembered about being little. About me.  We talked about the way things used to be....the things that bound us together in a way their dad will never have.  I said something about wanting to be a good mom and he/she asked "you don't think you're a good mom?"  I said, "I hope that I am."  "You're a great mom.  I wouldn't change a thing!"

I am not giving up.  God promises to be with the brokenhearted and He is with me now as He is every day.  I WANT MY CHILDREN BACK.  All I have to say is their dad has greatly underestimated my resolve.  And my will to survive.  And to thrive, despite anything he is throwing at me.

Someday I hope these little people know how very much I love them and what I do and would do for them.  I want them to know their mama would do anything on the face of this earth for them.  That's what mamas do.  They go to the end of the world and back for you.  Again and again.