Blip on the Radar

No words.  Or should I say few words are in my head tonight.  I was just reading over my divorce decree that we'll be discussing and finalizing tomorrow.  So there is a good chance my marriage will legally be over tomorrow.

That reality - the finality of my marriage, the failure, my failure, Our failure.  Going to court tomorrow and the judge will most likely finalize the divorce.  A man will get to separate what God put together.  I still can't wrap my head around the concept of divorce even after two years.  Sure, am I better off without him? Yes, in many ways.  In all ways?  No.  Can we be married?  Probably not.

So I sit here, the tears have finally come.  My nose is already plugged up and I just started crying.  I do not know if any of my family are going to be there tomorrow.  Probably not.  Just a lonely end to a really crappy period of my life.  But I'm not alone; I've never been alone because I've had God walking beside me, often carrying me, through this process.  He's protected me, remade me into this much changed person.  I'm a better mom, person, and I know more about myself and others than I ever did before.  I've learned that people shouldn't count me out when I'm down.  I'm the comeback kid.  I've been knocked down so many times in life that I lost count a long time ago.  With God's strength I keep getting up because to get up is to honor God.  To give up would not be honorable to God.  Things that would have made me lose it before are not just blips on the radar of my life.

"I'm letting go of the life I planned for me and my dreams. I'm losing control of my destiny.  It feels like I'm falling and that's what it's like to believe.  This is a giant leap of faith.  The fear of the unkown beyond my comfort zone."  - Francesca Batistelli.

I've really loved that song ever since I heard it because it was exactly what I had to go through.  I had to let go of the dreams I had for myself and my future and give them over to God, who in turn is giving me new dreams and is drawing me toward Him, and thus, TOWARD a future.

But the bottom line is that it's just really hard.  Tonight is going to be hard.  I'm going to force myself to get some sleep now.  I pray my anxious heart tonight will not keep me up.  It is weird because I'm mostly peaceful but then I have some anxiety tries to creep in.  Tonight I am going to pray one last time and then I'm giving it all back to God.  This is His show...always has been...and will be tonight, tomorrow and the day after that.

At least a fluffy kitty came to visit me.  Not sure where the other one is but she usually sleeps on the other side of my bed so I'll see her.   The fluffy one wakes me up 10 minutes before my alarm every single day.  It's annoying and cute at the same time but hey, 10 minutes of sleep is 10 minutes of sleep.  You know, the past two nights I slept all the way through the night for the first time in over 6 weeks of being in my new apartment.  Hopefully tonight will be another one of those good night's sleep.

Tomorrow is just a blip on the radar. blip blip    blip  b l i p   b    l   i   p