I feel like I'm coming back to life again and it feels really great. When my doctor said the other day that it was probably good that I was no longer with my spouse, he finally put into words, in a professional way, that my spouse was abusive. He listened to me tell him some things about my married life and after that was when my doc offered an actual opinion. (he doesn't do that much). I felt this sense of relief. You see, for years I kept what was going on in my life secret, from my family friends and even the doctor, the one person I reached out to for help, over and over again.
I wish that I could put into words what it feels like to be free. I feel as if I've been given a second chance at life. I feel renewed, like I've been changed into an entirely different person! I also know that the change that I've experienced has come from God.
One of my goals is to become healthier and that is going to include a diet at some point. At a minimum it's going to mean some major changes in my grocery buying habits and in my eating out habits. Less eating out, more eating in. For my health and my wallet.
I'm learning that I do not need others to be happy. That I'm capable of being happy all by myself...with God's help of course. For years I never measured up to my spouse's expectations. In every way. Along the way we went from being best friends, to almost strangers. Along the way my hopes and dreams died. I lost hope. I had lost my husband and so I reached out for help for the extreme depression that I was experiencing. Then, later, my reaching out is one of the reasons he cited for not wanting to be married any more. So I guess I was danged if I did, danged if I didn't. That is a situation I would not wish upon my most favorite of friends.
So tonight I write about happiness and joy instead of the usual hudrum of life. I'm missing my kids bad but it's just a couple of more days until I see them.
God is moving. He is as real to me as anything tactile in this world of ours. The only thing that keeps me going through this chaos is His strength. I feel humbled that He cares for me so. Then again, he knows when a sparrow falls from the sky. So I can assume that he knows my every thought and feeling and has feelings toward me, his child.
Signing off now. (yawning) Until tomorrow. I remain.
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