Happiness, Peace and Rememberance

Tonight I just feel happiness. Spending time with my children is the best part of my life. It is the only time when I feel at peace. When they are here is when I feel "normal." All the rest of the time I just feel like I'm living someone else's life. It certainly is turning out much differently than I thought it would! I've read a Larry Crabb book called "Shattered Dreams" many times over the past couple of years. The concept of the book is that often when are dreams are shattered, God replaces them with new dreams, His dreams. It's very comforting and a good read.

The dream of my marriage is dying and in place of it God is instilling in me a deep sense of purpose in my role as a mom. I have a strong responsibility to them and their future. I feel a bit like I had lost myself for a very long time and that I'm beginning to re-emerge, a much changed woman. God has used the heartbreak of this time to make me more like Him. Each and every day. It used to be that when I would wake up in the morning there was about a half second when I was happy and then it dawned on me the nightmare I was going through. Now my alarm goes off, I throw off my covers, stretch and ask God for the energy for the day. He provides.

In the last year or more He has begun to mend my heart. I have good days and I have bad days just like anyone. The bad days are becoming fewer and the good days are increasing. I'm feeling better and better. Freer. That's really it - I feel free. Free of the hurt that encased my life for so many years. Free to be myself without the judgement of a critical spouse. Free.

This time of my life is about working hard, very very hard, trying to make a difference in my job so that I eventually get rewarded. Wondering every day if I'll make it to the next paycheck, if I'll pay all my bills. Somehow, thanks to some, I am able to pay my bills, pay off the debt I was left with and still have enough to live on. God takes such great care of me.

Tonight I'm just very happy and peaceful. Every moment of stress of the day(s) of this week has melted away and I sit here on my sofa, peaceful and happy because my children are asleep in the other room and in about 5 minutes I am going to lay my head on my pillow and spend some time talking to God.

Then do it all again tomorrow!