I'm beginning to feel better physically. I bought some new vitamins and supplements tonight that my doctor recommended. Expensive but if they help me then they will be worth it.
Still nervous about the rest of this month but ultimately know that God is watching over me. I feel like things are starting to fall into place and that is an unusual and weird feeling.
I want my health back. I've gotten my freedom in some ways and in other ways I am still a prisoner. It's complicated and personal. I'm beginning to feel like I'm worth taking good care of. It has taken a healing of my very attacked self esteem to feel like I'm worth it.
You know, you can be a physical prisoner of another. They can lock you up, hand cuff you and you are their prisoner. Then, you can be a prisoner from their abuse. This of course doesn't have to be physical; in fact the mental and psychology abuse lasts a whole lot longer than a bruise. I spent years in this type of a relationship and no one knew a thing. I kept it to myself. Part of me did not know it was abuse; I just knew the marriage was horrible and felt unloved. After I left and some time had passed I realized that what I experienced for years was also domestic abuse.
For me, it was shameful because I thought that someone as smart as I am should have known what was going on. I didn't. Domestic abuse happens to intelligent people too. People who have slowly been worn down; people whose self esteem is non-existent. Bottom line - it can happen to anyone, from any background and socio-economic group. Abuse is abuse is abuse. There. I've said it. Out loud and on the web. I'm not afraid anymore.
My way to wrap my head around what has happened to me is to talk about it frankly and openly to anyone who will listen. You see, for each time that I say to someone else that I was abused I - excuse the cliche - am taking my power back.
I'm relearning about myself. Returning to my roots so to speak. Now if I could get my outer body to coincide with the person I see on the inside then perhaps I would feel more harmony in my body. Next step is starting to take better and better care of myself physically.
Distance from my abuse and my abuser is what has helped me to truly heal and move forward. Often I take one step forward and two steps back but over time I am making headway. I'm learning to enjoy the process as God makes me more like Him.
I feel like there is so much I want to say. I want to tell others. To teach and to warn. To be an example of one who moves toward healing and toward God in the midst of great obstacle.
I want others to see God is me as I go through this difficult time. I want to use what God has given me to bring others to His feet.
Lord I lay at your feet tonight asking for wisdom and for strength. Asking for protection for my children. Please guard their little hearts O my God. Wrap your arms around them. Send Angels to guard over them as they sleep.
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