Peace Be To Us All

This has been one long week and it's just Wednesday.  The next week will be long too....lots going on....

If you are a reader, pray for strength for me, wisdom for the judge and peace for all involved.

LORD be with us all.  Even the one I'm not too fond of at this moment.  Even him.

good night all

Lord Hear My Prayer Tonight

I want to scream, to yell out, to tell the world about what is going on.  It's frustrating that I can't even really vent it here.  After all this is cyberspace and anyone can read this.

I'm worried about my children.  Very real concerns.  They act one way with me and another with their dad.    

We had a good night even though they were struggling.  They just get so tired every day in summer.  

Lord, hear my prayer tonight.  Watch over my babies and protect them, shield their hearts from what is going on between their dad and I.  Protect them from evil.  Protect them from the Enemy who wishes to destroy their hearts and my mind.  Guard them, shield them. Bathe them in Your love, Lord.  Teach them about who they are; how important they are to You.

Lord I give my children to you.  Guard them for me please.  Help me to have wisdom because Lord this situation requires wisdom to know what is right and the courage to do it in the face of great opposition.  I give my heart and my children to you O Lord.

Stress in Children

Lately the notion of forgiveness just keeps coming back to my mind.  I pray for the desire to forgive but I'm not there yet.  I just keep asking God for the desire to want to forgive my spouse.  I STILL hurt every day because of this divorce.  This week I was talking to one of my children about how when people don't keep their word it hurts.  I told her that I know what that was like.  I told this one that daddy and I didn't keep our words to each other and that I am sorry that they have to live with the consequences.  We connected on this issue because this one said when I asked what makes X sad "what stresses you out?  Do you know what stress is?"  The answer "when dad tells me he's going to do something and doesn't it stresses me out."

My heart fell.  I want to fix this for them but right now only God can.  I can help them by loving them, equipping them to deal with what faces them in their live.  Love them and send them back.  That is my plan until the Lord reveals more about my role as their mom.

I am tired.  Work is hard, managing it all takes skill.  I feel like I've been jipped out of being a mom.  Now I have to work long days just to make ends meet.  While the spouse works hard and makes 5 times my salary.  That is hard to stomach.

Enough of him tonight.  I am going to go to bed early.  Tomorrow is a big day and I've got a big weekend planned.

Week Wrap Up

Amazing, long but good week.  Worked hard at the office; paid off in the form of a small raise which was a TOTALLY UNEXPECTED BLESSING.  God is good.  My boss tried to get me double what I ended up with so that makes me think that at some point in the future there might be more raises.  That would help out.

I think that I've lost about 10 lbs.  Yahoo.  What's funny is that a couple of weeks ago I prayed and asked God to help me lose weight, that I am now ready.  What happened?  The lbs. started falling off.  I've not even really changed anything either.  It's God.  :-)

Starting to enjoy my friends....made a new friend this week at church and I really like her.  She is super nice and her little boy is nice too.  She obviously is a good parent.

Tomorrow I'm going to church with my neighbor and her mom.  The little girl went to VBS with us this week and gave her life to Christ (re-dedicated it).  I bought a pretty little girl colored Bible for her and left it upstairs.  She called, super happy about it.  So excited that she's going to take her mom to our church.  I believe this lady needs the Lord if she doesn't already know Him.  What a great time to come.

Wishing my children were here but they're not.   I'm missing them BAD tonight.

The weekends are the time when I rejuvenate from the stresses of the week.  Today I saw a movie and took a nap.  Also talked to a friend on the phone which made me really happy.  

I feel like I'm finally starting to develop an actual life: with people, church and children and activities in it.  I will not let the "ex" to ruin any part of it.  He took enough of my life and I will not let him ruin one more day of it.  That's it.  That's said.

Hanging out watching TV.  Getting up early tomorrow then doing something in the afternoon for dad.

Bold New Look for a Bold New Me

Big day, I'm super tired but just had to sing of God's goodness and graciousness to me today.  Unexpected time off led to a nice nap and some rejuvenating strength poured into me while I slept.

Time to go to dreamland now....Morning will come early...Alarm is set early. Must go in early to maintain my leaving early status for the week.

God's working. He's moving, I can feel it.  Don't know what He's doing, afraid to hope but I sense Him moving in lives that touch mine.

Feet hurt....definitely need my geeky tennis shoes tomorrow.  I don't care if they are large and very white.  I am tired of hurting feet.  I bought my lunches for the week and have stashed them in the freezer at work.  Bought my dinners for the week and have stashed them in my freezer here at home.

Must go unplug, mentally, physically and emotionally from such a great night.

Turning over a new.....

Turning over a new stone.  (is that the expression?)  I felt like that this week with the children.  We started a new system that seems to really motivate them toward positive behavior.  Rewards are amazing things.  I think they just like pleasing me to tell you the truth.

This is going to be a very busy week for me.  Lots going on at work and at home.  Lots to be thankful for.  Gee that reminds me that I need to get a father's day gift.

Good news is that I've had several people tell me they think I've lost some more weight.  My pants actually almost fell down the other day....running to the car in the rain.  It was priceless.  My jeans get stretched out after a day or so of wearing them.  It's funny.  A nice wash and dry and I'm good to go.  I should consider stepping on the scale again soon.  One of the next things that I'd like to "attack" is my weight.  I'm not setting a very good example for my little ones and owe it to them to get my body under control.  If that means finding new doctors then so be it.

Feeling tugged in so many directions.....so many financial considerations and payments to be made.  I just made my first payment on last year's taxes.  Now 10 more or so to go.  Then there's moving, hiring a mover, down payment on new place, getting this place cleaned, etc.  I hope they let me take an extended period of time off.

I cannot stay awake any longer.  I'm going to go take my meds and go to sleep.  Hoping everyone sleeps good and late.  Tomorrow we have a big day planned....and the next!!!!

Until next time,

Forgiveness, 70 x 7, As Far As the East is From the West

Tonight I'm contemplating forgiveness.  Forgiveness from a Godly perspective, that is!  I know that God has forgiven me and continues to forgive me each and every day.  I know in His word it says "As far as the east is from the west, so far He has removed our transgressions from us."  That is my favorite verse at the moment.

Then there is the instruction to forgive "70 x 7".  Forgiveness is deep.  Forgiveness grants freedom, in the hearts both of the forgiven and the forgiver.

What I've been thinking about is the concept of resentments and how I hold onto them longer than I should.  There is part of me that knows that it is going to take A LONG TIME or an intervention from God in order for me to forgive my spouse who is divorcing me.  My particular resentment toward him is deep because of the deepness of hurt he's caused in my life and to my heart.

So can you forgive someone who hasn't asked for forgiveness?  Is there such a thing?  I heard Hank Hanagraph talking about this concept once and the idea behind his perspective is that the act of forgiveness takes two willing parties and you can't forgive in a one-sided situation.

Still I am troubled.  I have been forgiven and my sins are in the deepest sea yet I can't muster the will power to forgive my spouse for divorcing me?   What does THAT say about my character?  Thinking about it, the idea that I am even thinking of forgiving him after what I've been through says a lot about how far God has brought me.  I still have far to go.  I pray for the willingness to be able to forgive now.  I believe that I should forgive him but some things cut too deep for me to grant forgiveness.  To me, if I grant forgiveness then it's like I'm condoning what he's done and is doing - ripping apart our union, our marriage.

Think about the concept of 70 x 7.  That's a mighty big number.  Even that number pales in comparison of how God has forgiven us.  After all, He let His only Son die on the cross for our sins.  He forgave my sins and now I'm sitting here and can't forgive my spouse.  He's technically still my spouse until the judge and we finish this thing.

I feel like I've been totally jipped.  I signed on for life, in sickness and in health, but my spouse wasn't in it for the long run.  I can't believe this is happening still.  It's been a long time since I moved here but each day is still raw.  I often cry on my way to work, unintentionally I'll be listening to some song on Christian radio and notice a tear trickling down my cheek.

God didn't promise that I would be exempt from pain and suffering because I'm a Christian.  We don't get a free pass, in fact I wonder sometimes if we have more difficult lives.  My life since about age 15 has been one trial after another.  I've been through so many things,  God has brought me faithfully through heartbreak, addiction, more heartache, health problems, one thing after another.  Abuse at the hand of the person who promised to love me forever.  It's relative.  In comparison to what others suffer in their lives, mine probably pales in comparison.  Yet my troubles are relavent and relative at the same time.

Much on my heart tonight to think and pray about.  Friends with serious illnesses.  Concerns over my kids and over my health too.  I feel like my heart has this longing that will not go away.  I think that I will feel this way until heaven.  I can't wait to walk the streets of gold and worship at the feet of my Savior.  Then I'll be whole, complete, perfect.  No hurts.  No pains.  Maybe, just maybe, God will heal my family in Heaven.  That would be great.

Until then I wait....and work....and serve....and love.  Tonight I will continue to pray that God will grant me the willingness to forgive the person who I love more than anything but who has broken my heart irrepairably.

To be the Bigger Person

I am choosing to be the bigger person in this complicated situation I find myself in.  I choose to behave with grace and dignity even when inside I want to scream out loud!  How do I show God's caring and love to someone I hate?  Outright, out loud hate.  I know that hate is wrong and it is not from God.  The urge to satisfy the hate is strong but the urge to do what is right is stronger.

I just want to talk to my children and he won't have them call me.  THAT makes me mad.

I am mama bear.  Hear me roar.  Soon I will unleash all my powers upon the situation.

Until then I pray.  For the children.  For me.  For him.  For the woman he's seeing.  Yes last night I actually prayed for the woman he's dating that God would prepare her to be kind to my children.  (now THAT is insane!)

Knocked down but not destroyed

Feeling defeated tonight.  I had a good weekend but this evening definitely effected that.  My heart aches, I'm angry and not feeling very charitable toward certain people this evening.

I feel like I'm battling Satan himself.  He will not win but he sure puts a kink in things.

My heart hurts.  For me and for my children.

God, work in this situation what you will and heal my hurting heart if that would be your will.

Protect my children.

Amen

Younger Learning from Older

Good day, long day but good.  Was encouraged by a sister in Christ, a mom of one of my friends who has walked my path before me.  It was so nice.  The Bible talks about the younger women learning from older women.  What a rich tradition and one we don't do so much here in the U.S.  I'm going to start up a movement.

Might have a lead and a plan for housing which is good.  Now to see what God has planned and how my credit rating is.  It used to be perfect....UNTIL.  (trying not to be resentful is so hard).  I've struggled with holding onto resentments a lot in life.  I have an excellent memory unfortunately and I do not give others the grace that I enjoy from them sometimes.  I'm much better now than I used to be.  18 years ago I wrote out all my resentments and then made them right.  What a liberating experience.

I am starting to search out my old friends again and it's wonderful.  I need people in my life so much.  For support and to be of encouragement to others.

God is taking such good care of me.  I'm happy to counted as one of His children.

night all!

Mosaic of my Heart

Tonight I was able to talk with my mom for a long time.  I learn so much from her and realize now that she's my greatest supporter.  I've been horrible to her for years....yet she just loves me no matter what.  It's humbling.  My mom has helped to make me the mom that I am today and I'm proud of who I am and what I'm doing with my life and with my family and others.

God knows what He has planned for my life.  I believe that He has a good future planned for me and for my children.  Even if I am alone for the rest of my life I will have known what it is like to have loved and to have loved deeply.  For a short while I lived what my dream was.  Then it became what felt like a nightmare.  God can do amazing things out of the pieces of my heart.  I believe that now my heart is like a beautiful mosaic that God is creating into art.  Beautiful, new art.

Boy I've come a long way, baby!

Being Happy for Others

Being happy for other people when you're not feeling particularly happy is a little hard.  Tonight I listened to the children tell about their fun day with their dad and I was happy for them but part of me wished that I was able to take them there.  I need to realize and be thankful that their dad can afford things that I can't and that just makes the kid's lives even richer.

Sent some hugs and kisses to my little one tonight on the phone.  Big one wants me to come over to see their house.

Tonight I had therapy and just feel drained.   So I'm going to unplug for a while.  Maybe watch some tv and relax.

goodnight and goodbye for the day!

Empowering the Young

Tonight we dined and then we played.  Met some new kids at the apartment; they seem nice.  A bunch of young boys, three under 8.

Big day at work today, I seemed to get a lot done this morning and then this afternoon it went really slow.  I had a big, complicated job to work on which took most of the afternoon but it will pay off in the end for the clients.

I feel like the stress has let up (after last week's ordeal).  I'm back to my normal healthy happy self.  I had fun tonight with the children.  I hate that I have to call them "the children" because I can't afford to have my "ex" identify me or anyone else mentioned in this blog.  Trying to be anonymous.

Frankly I'm sick of being anonymous.  I can't wait until this divorce is final and I can finally be free from that control freak.  Now I have to teach my children how to become self-assured young people.  Was working on that with the oldest at dinner tonight.  I told her that it was okay for her to have her own opinions but that she still had to obey mom and dad.

I have to empower them how to deal with their situation and with their dad.  And do it in a way that does not tear him down (that's tricky).  One said this weekend that maybe "daddy doesn't love you" (she was dealing with the divorce not being my idea).  She came up with this all by herself.  She also told me that she likes the way I do activity X with them, that dad doesn't do X but I do.

My parenting strategy has changed since I first moved here until now.   Now I need to empower them to deal with the situation they are in, since I am unable to change it as quickly as I'd like.  Sometimes I think of the future and wonder if God will give me back my babies.  I hope and I pray.  I want a good future for myself and I feel trapped a little bit still.