Tonight I'm contemplating forgiveness. Forgiveness from a Godly perspective, that is! I know that God has forgiven me and continues to forgive me each and every day. I know in His word it says "As far as the east is from the west, so far He has removed our transgressions from us." That is my favorite verse at the moment.
Then there is the instruction to forgive "70 x 7". Forgiveness is deep. Forgiveness grants freedom, in the hearts both of the forgiven and the forgiver.
What I've been thinking about is the concept of resentments and how I hold onto them longer than I should. There is part of me that knows that it is going to take A LONG TIME or an intervention from God in order for me to forgive my spouse who is divorcing me. My particular resentment toward him is deep because of the deepness of hurt he's caused in my life and to my heart.
So can you forgive someone who hasn't asked for forgiveness? Is there such a thing? I heard Hank Hanagraph talking about this concept once and the idea behind his perspective is that the act of forgiveness takes two willing parties and you can't forgive in a one-sided situation.
Still I am troubled. I have been forgiven and my sins are in the deepest sea yet I can't muster the will power to forgive my spouse for divorcing me? What does THAT say about my character? Thinking about it, the idea that I am even thinking of forgiving him after what I've been through says a lot about how far God has brought me. I still have far to go. I pray for the willingness to be able to forgive now. I believe that I should forgive him but some things cut too deep for me to grant forgiveness. To me, if I grant forgiveness then it's like I'm condoning what he's done and is doing - ripping apart our union, our marriage.
Think about the concept of 70 x 7. That's a mighty big number. Even that number pales in comparison of how God has forgiven us. After all, He let His only Son die on the cross for our sins. He forgave my sins and now I'm sitting here and can't forgive my spouse. He's technically still my spouse until the judge and we finish this thing.
I feel like I've been totally jipped. I signed on for life, in sickness and in health, but my spouse wasn't in it for the long run. I can't believe this is happening still. It's been a long time since I moved here but each day is still raw. I often cry on my way to work, unintentionally I'll be listening to some song on Christian radio and notice a tear trickling down my cheek.
God didn't promise that I would be exempt from pain and suffering because I'm a Christian. We don't get a free pass, in fact I wonder sometimes if we have more difficult lives. My life since about age 15 has been one trial after another. I've been through so many things, God has brought me faithfully through heartbreak, addiction, more heartache, health problems, one thing after another. Abuse at the hand of the person who promised to love me forever. It's relative. In comparison to what others suffer in their lives, mine probably pales in comparison. Yet my troubles are relavent and relative at the same time.
Much on my heart tonight to think and pray about. Friends with serious illnesses. Concerns over my kids and over my health too. I feel like my heart has this longing that will not go away. I think that I will feel this way until heaven. I can't wait to walk the streets of gold and worship at the feet of my Savior. Then I'll be whole, complete, perfect. No hurts. No pains. Maybe, just maybe, God will heal my family in Heaven. That would be great.
Until then I wait....and work....and serve....and love. Tonight I will continue to pray that God will grant me the willingness to forgive the person who I love more than anything but who has broken my heart irrepairably.
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