Lately the notion of forgiveness just keeps coming back to my mind. I pray for the desire to forgive but I'm not there yet. I just keep asking God for the desire to want to forgive my spouse. I STILL hurt every day because of this divorce. This week I was talking to one of my children about how when people don't keep their word it hurts. I told her that I know what that was like. I told this one that daddy and I didn't keep our words to each other and that I am sorry that they have to live with the consequences. We connected on this issue because this one said when I asked what makes X sad "what stresses you out? Do you know what stress is?" The answer "when dad tells me he's going to do something and doesn't it stresses me out."
My heart fell. I want to fix this for them but right now only God can. I can help them by loving them, equipping them to deal with what faces them in their live. Love them and send them back. That is my plan until the Lord reveals more about my role as their mom.
I am tired. Work is hard, managing it all takes skill. I feel like I've been jipped out of being a mom. Now I have to work long days just to make ends meet. While the spouse works hard and makes 5 times my salary. That is hard to stomach.
Enough of him tonight. I am going to go to bed early. Tomorrow is a big day and I've got a big weekend planned.
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