Dreams

It's time for new dreams.

Counseling, Chocolate and Change

Counseling tonight at the place.  My mouth spewed forth thousands of words over the course of the hour.  It was like the hurt of years just flowed out of my mouth.  No answers, just lots and lots of questions.  What I realized tonight is that I might never know "why".  Not only that, I'm going to have to live with the lack of knowledge and be okay with that.  

Good counselors, I feel good talking to him/her.  She's younger than I am but that's okay.  I think God's brought her into my life for a reason.  She's always commenting on my way with words.   I wish that I could write like I talk.  Maybe I should get a recorder and then transcribe my feelings.  Hmmmm.. Thoughts for the future.

So I had my counseling, then got chocolate ice cream to boot!  yahoo.  Yum.  I love ice cream.   I'm talked out, now just want the peace of tv and a pillow and sofa.  ahhhhh.

Goodnight

Bursts of Joy

On days like today I think to myself, "yeah, I'm going to be okay!"  Work went good, time with the kids was good and although I'm tired, overall I'm not going to die and that's a very good thing.  

Still, there is a long hard road ahead but I'm feeling brave tonight and realize that God's doing His perfect work in me.  No, I have no idea what that perfect work is but I know that it includes me working hard every day, choosing to live, not ever giving up and being the best mom I can be.  If I can do those things in life I will call it a success.  

Joy comes in short bursts....often when I am with the kids.  I'm learning what it's like to be alone and be happy.  Although I will not be happy without my kids, ever.  That's just the way it is.

Service

A friend reminded me tonight that God's in control.  I realized again (I re-learn this every day it seems!) that, as the famous song goes, "He is bigger than the battle."  I'm reminded that He is in control and has a plan.  I've gone through the gamut of emotions.  Sometimes I'm incredibly angry at God, wondering how this can be His plan.  Most times I trust Him, like a child trusts her mother and father.    A long time ago I gave Him my life and now I'm living that out, as He sees fit.  Knowing that God is in control leads toward a relaxed kind of peace that I sport.  

Most people wonder how I'm doing so good.  I just point them to my Creator.  I'm just an ordinary girl who serves an extraordinary God.  I'm made of the same stuff everyone else is.  I cry buckets of tears when my heart hurts.  Then, as if in an offering I offer up my bucket of tears to God as a sacrifice.  Serving God while in personal pain is one of the ultimate sacrifices we can make to Him.  Serving Him, acting in honor is a "job" that I take quite seriously.  I fail miserably but I try!

Another day has gone by.  Did I do something today to serve Him?  Did you?  

With that I bid you goodnight.

Aloneness

Being alone is hard.  But then, I've been alone for years.  At least alone in my relationship from my husband.  I miss not having people in my apartment/home.  Being profoundly lonely is no piece of cake.  I mean, I do things with people, have friends, go places, etc.  But at the end of the day I come home to an empty apartment with no one there.  

I do not miss the stress of my marriage but I do miss the familiarity of that other person.  Ever since I was told that he was divorcing me, I feel like I've been in a state of shock.  My life was turned upside down in every way and I'm still recovering.  I wonder how long it takes to "get over" the divorce.  It's been a good while now and although we're not quite divorced I know that it will be some time until I am "over it" and over him.  Then you add in the special circumstances of this situation, who knows how long it will be until I feel "over" anything.  

How long will it take me to heal?  Will I ever be interested in dating, be willing to be vulnerable again?  I feel like I've been hurt in the deepest way possible and being willing to trust is going to take some doing.  There is no hurry.  I mean, I was just rejected by the man who knew me the most.  Sometimes I've thought that if you knew me you wouldn't like what you saw.  That was my secret fear.  Then I got married and I was loved, completely and fully.  Then that person turned on me and although he knew me the most he still rejected me.  I mean, that hurts a girl's feelings, right?  

I'm intensely angry over the situation and there's not much I can do.  Every night I pray and ask God to take my anger toward my spouse away from me.  I pray and pray and pray.  I've taken to immersing myself in Psalms.  I pray them to God, sometimes reading aloud to calm myself.

So tonight I'm not sure of much other than the face that God loves me and that I can be sure of. My children love me very much; that much I know.  

Resolve

Living every day is my way to say to my ex that he didn't win.  I choose to go forth, to move forward, despite my sadness over the death of my relationship.  With God's help I will make my way in this world, serving Him and being the best mother to my children.

Today is a new day, it's fresh with no mistakes in it yet.  Today I work for my children.  Each and every hard thing that I do or go through I think, it's just for my children and then I remember my resolve.  I'd do anything for them.  Suffer any hardship, any pain.  Anything.

Losing Your Husband's Family Too.

You know, when you get married, your husband's family is not really yours.   I was so close to mine and now they conveniently log off when I log on.  Pretend they didn't get my message, etc.  I'm persona non grata.  

When you get divorced it's not just your husband, it's their parents, their cousins, grandparents, aunts uncles, etc.  It's all the people you have come to love.  All their traditions and fun. 

I thought I had it all but it was just a farce.  They are all gone now and my relationships with each of them have faded.

I'm never getting married again.  What would be the point?