Aloneness

Being alone is hard.  But then, I've been alone for years.  At least alone in my relationship from my husband.  I miss not having people in my apartment/home.  Being profoundly lonely is no piece of cake.  I mean, I do things with people, have friends, go places, etc.  But at the end of the day I come home to an empty apartment with no one there.  

I do not miss the stress of my marriage but I do miss the familiarity of that other person.  Ever since I was told that he was divorcing me, I feel like I've been in a state of shock.  My life was turned upside down in every way and I'm still recovering.  I wonder how long it takes to "get over" the divorce.  It's been a good while now and although we're not quite divorced I know that it will be some time until I am "over it" and over him.  Then you add in the special circumstances of this situation, who knows how long it will be until I feel "over" anything.  

How long will it take me to heal?  Will I ever be interested in dating, be willing to be vulnerable again?  I feel like I've been hurt in the deepest way possible and being willing to trust is going to take some doing.  There is no hurry.  I mean, I was just rejected by the man who knew me the most.  Sometimes I've thought that if you knew me you wouldn't like what you saw.  That was my secret fear.  Then I got married and I was loved, completely and fully.  Then that person turned on me and although he knew me the most he still rejected me.  I mean, that hurts a girl's feelings, right?  

I'm intensely angry over the situation and there's not much I can do.  Every night I pray and ask God to take my anger toward my spouse away from me.  I pray and pray and pray.  I've taken to immersing myself in Psalms.  I pray them to God, sometimes reading aloud to calm myself.

So tonight I'm not sure of much other than the face that God loves me and that I can be sure of. My children love me very much; that much I know.