Not Ready to Move On

I'm not ready to move on and I'm not ready for my spouse to move on either, especially not before we're divorced.  That is a low blow.  I made the decision a while back that I wouldn't date anyone while still married, so as to avoid the appearance of impropriety.  Wish I could say the same of the other person involved.  

I don't think people really just how traumatizing divorce is.  I feel like I'm in shock half the time.  I mean, I'm doing good, making progress and moving forward but it is in spite of incredible odds.  God has given me strength, sometimes just the strength for that day, often just for the moment.  I like the idea of one day at a time.  Sometimes I take it down to the hour, minute, second.  

I feel like I'm waiting for my life to start.  On one hand, it's in full swing, going full force.  On another hand, not having the children around all the time takes getting used to.  Honestly I will never get used to not being around my children all the time.  I am not at all pleased with their absence.  Working to change that is a process.  

I have a dream.  I have a dream for what I'd like my life to be like now that I'm alone and free.  I'm apprehensive about dreaming good things for myself.  I've been hurt so deeply that I used to not think that I deserved anything good.  I certainly wasn't treated with dignity and respect.  I know that I deserve to be treated like a human being, nicely.  I'll tell you what...I will never date a man who teases a lot.  I hate that.  That's how it all starts.  Then the little jabs and zingers.  Then he's putting you down over and over.

I wonder if someday God will bring someone special into my life.  Requirements:  must love kids, kittens and me above everything else in his life, except God.  Must treat me like a queen.  Must be patient with my hurting heart.  Must have similar beliefs in God, marriage, divorce, kids and everything else important.  I'm sitting here thinking that I'm never going to remarry...I'll probably just be old and alone and happy.  I want to be a grandma someday.  

I feel so free.  It's weird to be so happy.  I'm happy even though I'm sad.  I mean, I'm mourning the death of a relationship while being relieved to not be in it anymore.  When the children are with me, I am at home, at peace.  I feel then as if I'm fulfilling my purpose on this earth.  To be their mother.  I wanted nothing more.  I'm such a blessed girl. 

God, heal my broken heart and bring my children to me.