Darkness and Pain in the Soul

Darkness in the soul....or should I say, darkness hovers over my head, threatening to destroy who and what I am.  I've never been through such an intense testing of who and what I am made of.  I've learned so much about me....and I realize that I like me.  I know that sounds funny but for a long time I didn't like me very much.  Outside factors influenced my perspective of myself more than they should have.

I know that God created me in His image, that He loves me like a parent loves a child.  For those of us who are parents, we get that kind of crazy love.  How it must pain Him to see His children hurting.  I'm in the middle of it, trying to figure out how God is moving in my life when it feels like He's absent sometimes.  I mean, my head knows better but my heart cries out to Him, to feel His presence.

There is no good result of this situation.  I mean, divorce is not God's plan or design.  The most that I can hope for is to use my experiences to help others toward Christ.   For me to help those who are hurting deeply with depression, divorce and other things would be rewarding.  Almost giving purpose to the pain.  The reality is there is no real purpose to pain.  It just is.  

Pain draws me to Christ.  It makes me want to know Him more.  Pain makes me yearn for Heaven.  Makes me yearn for more.  Pain gives me hope for something better.