Juxstaposition

I'm tired but I'm good.  I'm lonely but I'm not alone.  I'm broken but don't need fixing.  I'm brave but I feel small.  I'm a woman of complexity made simple by her unswerving love for God.

I've been broken down and now am rebuilding, brick by beautiful brick.   Woman #2 is part woman #1 but with a righteous twist!  

It's hard to describe myself when I know that I'm always being watched, evaluated, looked at.   It's hard to trust anyone these days.    

When I'm with my children, I'm truly happy.  Time stands still in a way and we are just a small, happy family with no dad figure.  I'll just have to rely on God to fill the void, if any, is felt in my children's lives. 

Living each day is a choice, a choice of bravery.  I choose to live.  I choose to work, to provide for my family and for myself in a way that God sees fit.   I choose to march on even though there are those watching to see if I fail.  (keep on looking 'cuz I'm going to make it just fine!).

My relationship with God has never been more real, more intense and more full of passion.  I feel happy sometimes.  I know it's amazing.  

God is Good No Matter How We Feel

God is good whether we "feel" like it or not.  It's a fact about Him.  He's good.  He wants good things for His children.  No, I'm not talking about the prosperity gospel.  I just mean, He's a Father who loves His children and just as earthly fathers love their children, wants good things for them.

I don't always understand God.  In fact, not only do I not understand Him, I'll spend my lifetime trying to understand Him.  Reading the Bible as a map for my life.

Tonight brought up old feelings that I had to go through maybe one last time to help me for the future.  I like being free.  Not free from my children, just free from my spouse and marriage.  I feel like I've been given a second chance at life.  I'm doing great.  I feel great, I even feel happy some days.  

I feel like "me" again.  After a long absence I am slowly returning from what was definitely NOT a vacation!  

I trust God with my life because I cannot picture going through life without my relationship with God. He has become my family, my redeemer and rescuer.  I want nothing more than to teach my children about God and to have them grow up to love God.  That would mean that I have been successful in my life for I believe that I was put here for that purpose.

Exhaustion has set in but each morning brings new energy and fresh grace and mercy.

Glimpses of Joy

Today I felt and saw a glimpse of joy, a glimpse of God in my life.  Joy is like this emotion that's been missing from my life for a long time.  It's intoxicating and humbling for I feel God when I feel this powerful emotion called joy.  

How I've missed this feeling.  God, grant me and bless me with more of it.  Thank you for blessing me with your presence today Lord and for blessing me with a wonderful family.  God, you are good.

Dreams

It's time for new dreams.

Counseling, Chocolate and Change

Counseling tonight at the place.  My mouth spewed forth thousands of words over the course of the hour.  It was like the hurt of years just flowed out of my mouth.  No answers, just lots and lots of questions.  What I realized tonight is that I might never know "why".  Not only that, I'm going to have to live with the lack of knowledge and be okay with that.  

Good counselors, I feel good talking to him/her.  She's younger than I am but that's okay.  I think God's brought her into my life for a reason.  She's always commenting on my way with words.   I wish that I could write like I talk.  Maybe I should get a recorder and then transcribe my feelings.  Hmmmm.. Thoughts for the future.

So I had my counseling, then got chocolate ice cream to boot!  yahoo.  Yum.  I love ice cream.   I'm talked out, now just want the peace of tv and a pillow and sofa.  ahhhhh.

Goodnight

Bursts of Joy

On days like today I think to myself, "yeah, I'm going to be okay!"  Work went good, time with the kids was good and although I'm tired, overall I'm not going to die and that's a very good thing.  

Still, there is a long hard road ahead but I'm feeling brave tonight and realize that God's doing His perfect work in me.  No, I have no idea what that perfect work is but I know that it includes me working hard every day, choosing to live, not ever giving up and being the best mom I can be.  If I can do those things in life I will call it a success.  

Joy comes in short bursts....often when I am with the kids.  I'm learning what it's like to be alone and be happy.  Although I will not be happy without my kids, ever.  That's just the way it is.

Service

A friend reminded me tonight that God's in control.  I realized again (I re-learn this every day it seems!) that, as the famous song goes, "He is bigger than the battle."  I'm reminded that He is in control and has a plan.  I've gone through the gamut of emotions.  Sometimes I'm incredibly angry at God, wondering how this can be His plan.  Most times I trust Him, like a child trusts her mother and father.    A long time ago I gave Him my life and now I'm living that out, as He sees fit.  Knowing that God is in control leads toward a relaxed kind of peace that I sport.  

Most people wonder how I'm doing so good.  I just point them to my Creator.  I'm just an ordinary girl who serves an extraordinary God.  I'm made of the same stuff everyone else is.  I cry buckets of tears when my heart hurts.  Then, as if in an offering I offer up my bucket of tears to God as a sacrifice.  Serving God while in personal pain is one of the ultimate sacrifices we can make to Him.  Serving Him, acting in honor is a "job" that I take quite seriously.  I fail miserably but I try!

Another day has gone by.  Did I do something today to serve Him?  Did you?  

With that I bid you goodnight.