The Cattle on a Thousand Hills

Hope.  It's this thing that I've held onto, no matter what.  No matter how hard it got and gets, I have hope.  My hope lies in God and in His power.  Think about it: the God who tells the sun when to shine, the God who owns the cattle on a thousand hills - this is the same God who cares for me, intimately.  

People are hearing me now.  Finally.  What I've felt and how I've felt for years is coming out to the surface and it's very painful but in another way it's liberating.  I'm feeling free for the first time in years.  I've let people into my life, to know the darkest parts of me and they are still my friends and family.  I guess that I've discovered love through this painful divorce.  Go figure!

There is so much I want to say but the internet is not the place for it.  

Taking My Power Back

Tonight I took my power back one bit at a time and it felt GREAT.    You know, in Psalms it talks about God being with the broken hearted, it meant it.  He has gone before me and is with me every minute of every day.  I sing a joyful song tonight!

My God Goes Before Me

Tonight I'm thoughtful, happy and tired.  The other night I dreamed that someone I was seeing treated me like Cinderella and it felt heavenly and unfamiliar.  Of course I'm not seeing anyone but it was a nice thought anyway.

Tomorrow's a big day but I know that my God goes before me to make my paths straight and to lead me.

Miracles I pray for

I'm so tired that I can barely think straight!  Sometimes I think that working so many hours is good - it keeps me focused on something other than myself.   That's good.

Had a good day today but miss my family.  

God is doing amazing things in my life.  Now I await for Him to do amazing things for my little family.  I need a miracle.

God, I pray for your miracle while I ask you to help me be happy with what you give me.

Juxstaposition

I'm tired but I'm good.  I'm lonely but I'm not alone.  I'm broken but don't need fixing.  I'm brave but I feel small.  I'm a woman of complexity made simple by her unswerving love for God.

I've been broken down and now am rebuilding, brick by beautiful brick.   Woman #2 is part woman #1 but with a righteous twist!  

It's hard to describe myself when I know that I'm always being watched, evaluated, looked at.   It's hard to trust anyone these days.    

When I'm with my children, I'm truly happy.  Time stands still in a way and we are just a small, happy family with no dad figure.  I'll just have to rely on God to fill the void, if any, is felt in my children's lives. 

Living each day is a choice, a choice of bravery.  I choose to live.  I choose to work, to provide for my family and for myself in a way that God sees fit.   I choose to march on even though there are those watching to see if I fail.  (keep on looking 'cuz I'm going to make it just fine!).

My relationship with God has never been more real, more intense and more full of passion.  I feel happy sometimes.  I know it's amazing.  

God is Good No Matter How We Feel

God is good whether we "feel" like it or not.  It's a fact about Him.  He's good.  He wants good things for His children.  No, I'm not talking about the prosperity gospel.  I just mean, He's a Father who loves His children and just as earthly fathers love their children, wants good things for them.

I don't always understand God.  In fact, not only do I not understand Him, I'll spend my lifetime trying to understand Him.  Reading the Bible as a map for my life.

Tonight brought up old feelings that I had to go through maybe one last time to help me for the future.  I like being free.  Not free from my children, just free from my spouse and marriage.  I feel like I've been given a second chance at life.  I'm doing great.  I feel great, I even feel happy some days.  

I feel like "me" again.  After a long absence I am slowly returning from what was definitely NOT a vacation!  

I trust God with my life because I cannot picture going through life without my relationship with God. He has become my family, my redeemer and rescuer.  I want nothing more than to teach my children about God and to have them grow up to love God.  That would mean that I have been successful in my life for I believe that I was put here for that purpose.

Exhaustion has set in but each morning brings new energy and fresh grace and mercy.

Glimpses of Joy

Today I felt and saw a glimpse of joy, a glimpse of God in my life.  Joy is like this emotion that's been missing from my life for a long time.  It's intoxicating and humbling for I feel God when I feel this powerful emotion called joy.  

How I've missed this feeling.  God, grant me and bless me with more of it.  Thank you for blessing me with your presence today Lord and for blessing me with a wonderful family.  God, you are good.