Feeling powerless on one hand but knowing that God's got everything in His hands on the other. Feeling torn between the secular feelings and my feelings of faith. Knowing that holding onto this anger that I have for X will only hurt me.
Thursday, July 23, 2009
Tuesday, July 21, 2009
Great Days
Today was a really great day. I had little stress, work went great and my time with my children went wonderfully. I felt free for the first time in, well, forever. I mean, really and truly free. Like God had just set me free from my spouse. Set me free from someone who was, well, not nice. That's putting it mildly.
The more I work toward my goals, work hard, every day, the more power I feel. Yeah, I used to hear women speak of their "power" and I thought them funny. I get it now. I really GET it. God has set me free and He's given me a chance at a new life. I will not die by myself. In fact, I'm flourishing and blooming by myself. It's fun to see what God will do next.
I have a future. I'm ready for it to start now.
Thursday, July 16, 2009
The Cattle on a Thousand Hills
Hope. It's this thing that I've held onto, no matter what. No matter how hard it got and gets, I have hope. My hope lies in God and in His power. Think about it: the God who tells the sun when to shine, the God who owns the cattle on a thousand hills - this is the same God who cares for me, intimately.
People are hearing me now. Finally. What I've felt and how I've felt for years is coming out to the surface and it's very painful but in another way it's liberating. I'm feeling free for the first time in years. I've let people into my life, to know the darkest parts of me and they are still my friends and family. I guess that I've discovered love through this painful divorce. Go figure!
There is so much I want to say but the internet is not the place for it.
Tuesday, July 14, 2009
Taking My Power Back
Tonight I took my power back one bit at a time and it felt GREAT. You know, in Psalms it talks about God being with the broken hearted, it meant it. He has gone before me and is with me every minute of every day. I sing a joyful song tonight!
Monday, July 13, 2009
My God Goes Before Me
Tonight I'm thoughtful, happy and tired. The other night I dreamed that someone I was seeing treated me like Cinderella and it felt heavenly and unfamiliar. Of course I'm not seeing anyone but it was a nice thought anyway.
Tomorrow's a big day but I know that my God goes before me to make my paths straight and to lead me.
Sunday, July 12, 2009
Miracles I pray for
I'm so tired that I can barely think straight! Sometimes I think that working so many hours is good - it keeps me focused on something other than myself. That's good.
Had a good day today but miss my family.
God is doing amazing things in my life. Now I await for Him to do amazing things for my little family. I need a miracle.
God, I pray for your miracle while I ask you to help me be happy with what you give me.
Wednesday, July 8, 2009
Juxstaposition
I'm tired but I'm good. I'm lonely but I'm not alone. I'm broken but don't need fixing. I'm brave but I feel small. I'm a woman of complexity made simple by her unswerving love for God.
I've been broken down and now am rebuilding, brick by beautiful brick. Woman #2 is part woman #1 but with a righteous twist!
It's hard to describe myself when I know that I'm always being watched, evaluated, looked at. It's hard to trust anyone these days.
When I'm with my children, I'm truly happy. Time stands still in a way and we are just a small, happy family with no dad figure. I'll just have to rely on God to fill the void, if any, is felt in my children's lives.
Living each day is a choice, a choice of bravery. I choose to live. I choose to work, to provide for my family and for myself in a way that God sees fit. I choose to march on even though there are those watching to see if I fail. (keep on looking 'cuz I'm going to make it just fine!).
My relationship with God has never been more real, more intense and more full of passion. I feel happy sometimes. I know it's amazing.
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)