Be Still

Had a nice, peaceful day today. Didn't feel as good as I have been feeling.

Tonight I had "therapy" - have I ever told you how much I hate that counseling is called that today? So I went to counseling after work. Big day at work, big day in therapy. Came home, tired, mentally, physically and spiritually. I just turned on my iTunes and am now listening to Steven Curtis Chapman.

Be still and know that He is God. Be still and know that HE is holy. Bow before the prince of peace. Let the noise and clamour cease.

Sometimes when I have hard days I just listen to this song and remember what life is about. What my life's service is about and WHO it's for.

Be still.

Know that He is God.

Be still. Be speechless.

Be still. Be still. BE STILL.

goodnight

The Lonely Person in a Crowd

I can't help it. Every weekend with the children I'm so excited; I feel like my life is normal again, happy even. Then they have to go back to their dads and I'm immediately sad without them. It's like part of me is gone. It's like falling in love and then having that love ripped out of your hands. It's when they leave that the "unwrapped" me comes out. The raw, deeply hurting girl whose heart is still broken over the loss of her marriage. I was made to feel like it was all my fault. For years. Just seeing him tonight was hard. See, part of me misses him and part of me has this broken heart.

I feel like I have to compartmentalize my feelings as a way to deal with them. Especially the feelings of loss and hurt. During the week I focus on work and my time with the children. Then, at other times, in the weekends I allow myself time to think. On Monday nights I continue to "think" and to talk to my counselor. Like clockwork every Monday.

I don't think that I will ever adjust to this divorce. Part of me will always love him. Part of me might always hate him but I hope not. I've been through other periods of my life in which I held onto resentments for years and it took a toll on my health. I sit in church, surrounded by people I do not know, a lonely person in a crowd. I listen to the pastor exhort men to love their wives and I feel like a failure. I hear the pastor's wife talk about loving her husband and I am profoundly aware of how alone I really am.

I like to think of myself as a tough cookie. Over the years I've been through what has felt like one season of hurt after another. Still I cling to God for hope. For He is the only real hope there is, for anything or for anyone. I've been knocked down again and again and I still keep getting back up. Some would call that foolish, others might call it brave. Me, it's just the way it is.

My reality is that I struggle with profound sadness each and every day. I've struggled with depression for most of my adult life. The only real relief I had was when I first got married; I was giddy and happy and in love. Then periods of happiness around the births of our children. Then just long periods of hurt, anger and the most miserable marriage ever. I lived in a loveless marriage for years because I felt like I could not support myself, that he would take the kids, that I wasn't qualified for this or that. I lived domestic abuse. There. It's out there. It's not pretty and it's not popular but it's all there. I was abused by my husband emotionally and psychologically for our whole marriage. This probably sounds horrible but there were times that I wished that he would just hit me, because in my head if a man ever hit a woman, she should just leave. What I didn't realize was that I was living inside a marriage where I was being hit, but on a deeper and more hurtful level.

It still boggles my mind. On one hand I say that I was a victim of domestic abuse but on the other hand it is not what defines me. I cannot let it define me. I can choose to let it change me into a more loving and caring person. The enemy wants to drag me down. How can I BE one thing and then the other at the same time? I ask you. How?

I often feel like yelling. Out loud, about my life and about the demise of my marriage. I want to yell out about how much I hate that my kids are over there with him now and I am home alone. Home in this stupid apartment. I feel like a visitor in my own life.

The emotion passes and I'm here, alone. Trying to decide if I can be alone and be okay. Part of my heart wants to crawl inward and never open up again. Part of me knows that if I do that, he wins. Evil wins. So I sit here at the crossroads between my past and my future. My kids depend on me to overcome what is put before me. So them, I'm their super hero who can do anything and be anything. I feel like a super hero whose cape is torn with jagged edges. My super hero powers are no longer mine.

I want my children to know ME. To know their mom, the good, the bad and the ugly. I want to show them that even though life is hard, God is good and can be counted on. That I can be counted on, for them today and for their whole lives. That is one promise I made when they were conceived, actually way before that. I promised to love them, no matter what, all of my life.

I feel like maybe I've had my chance. Right now I'm focusing on the children and their future. But the selfish part says "what about MY future?" Tonight that's about all the thinking and expressing that I can muster. I'm signing off now. Perhaps next time I will have a more upbeat time. But if you're to know me, you have to know both sides of me. All the sides of me. The last person who knew all my sides rejected me. Beware of what you sign up for!

Friday

Big day today. When I asked my boss for time off for court he gave me the run around because he and this other guy are going to be out of the department and I have to be there. I was only going to be gone for like 4 hours. Geesh. I was hopping mad, stormed off while announcing "Yeah, I'm sorry my divorce is getting in the way of a half day of work." Uncaring man. He called me on it, made me go outside to talk to him about it. I apologized but honestly stayed pissed off most of the day.

Yeah, this court date only has to do with my future and the visitation of my kids. No big deal. In my mind, ten times more important than a stupid day in my department. So he wrote a letter and I submitted it and my attorney is going to ask for a continuance. This will be the second or third one. I'm so freaking sick of it all.

I also was pissed. I show up before anyone in our whole department, take no breaks during my day while they all enjoy their smoke breaks, take half hour lunches so I can keep on top of my work and work overtime at night, all to catch up. So when I ask for 4 hours off so that I can go almost finalize my freakin divorce I would expect a little civility, perhaps even a little understanding. Stupid people. Well if the judge does not continue then I'll take it to the HR department (who is friends with my boss), or maybe my boss's boss.

Can you tell I was a little mad today? I still closed about 4 claims and worked on 3 or 4 new ones in addition to all the other ones I'm processing. I'm probably the best one in our department (after my manager) and I've only been doing it about 6-8 weeks.

Tonight I have the children for the weekend. Fun fun fun. Tomorrow is some event and Sunday we're having lunch with my parents. Should be a good weekend over all. They were so tired tonight. I'm headed to bed in a few minutes too. My new furry friend sleeps with me. I love her so much already.

Changing While Returning to the Girl I was

Today I ponder little people and their role in our lives. For me, "my" little people are gifts sent to my tummy straight from God. They are the joy of my life, my proudest participation in something bigger than myself.

When I was little I would dream of the little people I would have. What they would look like, what I'd be, HOW I'd be, etc. Some of those things have come true....the most important ones. I dreamed of being married to a wonderful man and having these precious little people.

In a few days it will be my wedding anniversary and I'm technically still married and it will be my 2nd anniversary by myself, separated from my husband. Bottom line, there is no silver lining in that cloud. It's just one big rain cloud. I need to think of something that I can do for myself that will help me deal with such a sad day.

I wanted nothing more than to fall in love (which I did) and live with him and have a family for the rest of my life. Then one day, even though I felt like I was living in a complete and horrible nightmare, he decided to file for divorce. My world seemed to end that day. At least that is how I felt.

Today I feel hurt, sad, lonely and tonight I'm feeling a little sorry for myself. It's hard to stay mentally healthy when the person you love more than anything wants to live life without you. And IS living life without me.

Nighttime is hard. I mean, going to bed alone was my reality for years. He moved out of our room probably 2-3 years before he filed. Broke my heart into little pieces. I never recovered from the rejection, the outright cruelness of being ignored. It's probably been 5 years since I held my husband's hand or walked arm in arm. The last hug I got was at my grandma's funeral but it was probably the last time I had a real hug from him.

The last years have been a nightmare. My nightmare and one so personally humiliating and horrible that I never shared with anyone, not even my doctor who I put my life into his hands. It's just now, years later, that I was able to tell my doctor that I felt like I was in an abusive relationship.

It's so hard to say. It's humiliating. I know that domestic abuse happens to all sorts of people in all walks of life. For me, I always thought that I was too smart to let something like that happen to me. The reality is, men abuse smart women. Men abuse women of all walks of life. It was not my fault. I did not want this to happen to me. I felt trapped. I felt like I would be unable to make it on my own. I was petrified, unhappy and stuck. It was horrible. Then one day he told me that he had filed for divorce. Two weeks later I've moved out, picked up my child from school for the last time and a year and a half later I sit here. So much has changed. I am no longer who I used to be in one way and in another I am returning to who I always have been.

And for tonight I must stop thinking or I will not be able to sleep. I have to unplug, to stop thinking. I have to put the sadness away for the night.

Normal Can be Good

Another nice, normal day. What a blessing in and of itself. So many people have these very amazing but normal days every day and don't think they are living blessed lives.

Today I woke up, felt good, took my meds and vitamins, got showered and ready for the day. I then took my breakfast and pop with me and began the drive to south east of the city. I then sat down, and totally had a productive yet unstressful day. I love my new job and feel like I'm really good at it too which makes me feel good about myself.

After work I went to therapy like I do every Monday night. Before we started my counselor realized that we were out of Kleenexes. I told her to never mind because I didn't plan to cry. Wrong answer. I cry every freaking time that I go there.

Lots going on here at my household. We have a new member of our household and she's really great. She's short and furry and soft. I'm glad that she gets to live with us. I wanted her and she wanted me. She picked me. She's my new pal. I can't wait for her to meet the children. Fun fun fun.

Overhaulin!

Today I've been overhaulin myself and my home. I feel like my eyes have been opened and now I know what I need to do and have the energy to do it. What a blessing. I feel like I am 20 again. I mean, I've washed my comforter, sheets, clothes, went shopping, went to a movie, and it's only 6pm! That rules. Oh, and gave the kitty a brushing. My goodness did the fuzz come off her! She liked it. I'm going to try it on the other one when she feels more at home.

Got some things for the kid's room today; can't wait for them to see what I have planned. I hope to clean their room tomorrow night or Wednesday night. They are going to be SO SO EXCITED.

I have more to do tonight; I can't catch up with EVERYTHING all in one weekend but I want to. So much to do and so little time! I bought smell good sprays this afternoon and have sprayed them to and fro. (inhale. exhale.)

and I go on.....

Reawakening In Me

I can't believe it. I am feeling good....I mean, REALLY REALLY good for the first time in, well, years. Physically and mentally feeling good. Two of my doctors have changed some of my meds around and I feel AMAZING. Lets put it this way - I am cleaning house for the first time in a while. For so many years, just being awake and existing was exhausting.

I have a lot to do to get my life in order but for the first time in very many years, I feel like I might have the ongoing, consistent energy to actually get it done. I mean, I've done more this morning than in weeks prior! :-)

Doing laundry, cleaning, nesting. Can't believe that I might have to leave this place that I once hated. I'm just getting used to it. Well, God's got some sort of plan I just am not sure of it yet. The idea of packing up again and leaving to another apartment is depressing. I want a home for my children so much. More than anything in the entire world.

Even today, as good as it goes, I get to thinking about what I want more than anything is for my family to be whole but I've given up on that hope. It's not going to happen and it probably wouldn't be good for me but I can't help but wish it. There, I've said it. I would give anything in the entire world to be able to go back and undo a lot of things. Even with all the healing that has happened in my heart there is a part of it that will forever be broken and that's just the way it is.

I've got to get it together and quit feeling sorry for myself. I should go finish that laundry I started! Then take a shower, then go grocery shopping, then, then.