When I was little I would dream of the little people I would have. What they would look like, what I'd be, HOW I'd be, etc. Some of those things have come true....the most important ones. I dreamed of being married to a wonderful man and having these precious little people.
In a few days it will be my wedding anniversary and I'm technically still married and it will be my 2nd anniversary by myself, separated from my husband. Bottom line, there is no silver lining in that cloud. It's just one big rain cloud. I need to think of something that I can do for myself that will help me deal with such a sad day.
I wanted nothing more than to fall in love (which I did) and live with him and have a family for the rest of my life. Then one day, even though I felt like I was living in a complete and horrible nightmare, he decided to file for divorce. My world seemed to end that day. At least that is how I felt.
Today I feel hurt, sad, lonely and tonight I'm feeling a little sorry for myself. It's hard to stay mentally healthy when the person you love more than anything wants to live life without you. And IS living life without me.
Nighttime is hard. I mean, going to bed alone was my reality for years. He moved out of our room probably 2-3 years before he filed. Broke my heart into little pieces. I never recovered from the rejection, the outright cruelness of being ignored. It's probably been 5 years since I held my husband's hand or walked arm in arm. The last hug I got was at my grandma's funeral but it was probably the last time I had a real hug from him.
The last years have been a nightmare. My nightmare and one so personally humiliating and horrible that I never shared with anyone, not even my doctor who I put my life into his hands. It's just now, years later, that I was able to tell my doctor that I felt like I was in an abusive relationship.
It's so hard to say. It's humiliating. I know that domestic abuse happens to all sorts of people in all walks of life. For me, I always thought that I was too smart to let something like that happen to me. The reality is, men abuse smart women. Men abuse women of all walks of life. It was not my fault. I did not want this to happen to me. I felt trapped. I felt like I would be unable to make it on my own. I was petrified, unhappy and stuck. It was horrible. Then one day he told me that he had filed for divorce. Two weeks later I've moved out, picked up my child from school for the last time and a year and a half later I sit here. So much has changed. I am no longer who I used to be in one way and in another I am returning to who I always have been.
And for tonight I must stop thinking or I will not be able to sleep. I have to unplug, to stop thinking. I have to put the sadness away for the night.
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