Life is what God gives you. Each and every day He gives you a new day, with no mistakes in it yet. A clean slate every day. One of my favorite verses is that "as far as the east is from the west, so far He has removed our transgressions from us." When the guilt threatens my sanity and peace, God reminds me of that. He reminds me that His blood has washed me and covered my sins. He took my place. Think about that. REALLY think about that. Blows your mind, doesn't it?
There are days when I tire of being "brave" and just want to fall apart and sometimes do. I do know that I have little people who watch every move I make and every word I say makes an impact on their lives. What a treasure to hold in your hands.
God is good no matter how we feel about it, about life, about our circumstances. Bottom line, He's in charge of this thing called life, this wild and crazy adventure that sometimes makes me crazy and other times humbles me.
I have this amazing calling. It's nothing new but I am taking it way more seriously these days. It's about my job being a mom. I have to teach them how to live life. How to love God and how to love one another. Ultimately I have to teach them how to love their future husbands. Now that is humbling as I do not feel qualified to teach anyone how to love their husbands. I do know that I loved mine more than I ever thought possible and mourn the loss of our relationship each and every day.
This week I've felt very human. I've had lapses in judgement at work one day that was unlike me. My big mouth almost got me into serious trouble at work. Luckily I stopped before I said what I wanted to. I really enjoy what I do; it feels really great to work hard, work overtime a lot and see my paychecks slowly growing. Even with that my thought is for my children. I want to buy them a home so much. I'm praying and have been praying for a long time that God will work that out, some day, some how.
Until then I am happy to sit on my floor with my children and play with whatever we have in front of us. I feel like I've been given a second chance to be a really really great mom and I'm taking it all in, thankful for every day with them. Thankful for the extra time that I have with them.
I'm learning to like myself again and I don't mean that in a snobbish way at all. For so long I hated myself....my self esteem had been whittled away by someone I cared about deeply. With each cutting remark, comment, lack of showing affection, you name it. Each thing went on top of the other, causing hurt over hurt in layers.
I'm a woman with many layers. I thought that I had let my spouse into my inner layer...well I did. Then he rejected me at my very core. It doesn't get much more hurtful than that. So call me an onion and watch my layers peel away. I am becoming a woman after God's own heart. Someday when I get to heaven I want God to say that I am a woman after His heart. I'd like to hear Him say "well done my good and faithful servant!"
So I try to be faithful in the little things. I have learned to live without "things" and be just fine. I have one pot and one skillet and I've cooked a million meals. I've learned to make my own fun and really BE with my kids. Not just entertain them. BE with them. Teach them. Discipline them. Have fun with them.
This was a random post but I just had so many things going around in my head and it helps me to write. Someday I want to write a book. I've got my title. Just need the freedom to do it. I've had several people tell me that I should write, that they enjoy what I have to say. Freaks me out a little bit.
Must wind down now. Goodnight.
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