Painful Metamorphosis of my Soul

Tonight I was driving home from being out and I realized that I've never driven so much as I have since I've been on my own. I miss sitting in the passenger seat, being someone, my dear one's passenger.

The other day one of the kids was talking about heaven and he/she was talking like in heaven we'll be a family, all 4 of us. I had to look away, it hurt my soul so much. It made me sad for my little one.

It's especially hard today as I'm physically very ill. I hope the antibiotics start to work soon.

Tonight my little one talked about missing me on the phone. It made me sad.

Feeling maybe a little better than yesterday.

Tonight I realized that there is much unsaid between my soon to be ex and I. I think that I long to tell him the extent of my hurt, to see if he would take some responsibility for breaking my heart. I cannot have that conversation. This week I thought of how much I long for heaven. How I long to be home. Don't worry, I'm not going anywhere or doing anything stupid. I just long for the day when I am made into a perfected state. I wonder, when we get to heaven, will our broken relationships from here on earth be mended or even be relavent? It's a lovely sentiment. The idea that in heaven what is broken here will be fixed.

I have never been through anything like this in all the world, in my life. I say "through" because I WILL MOVE THROUGH THIS. God will heal what is broken, God IS healing what is broken in my heart. The time seems excruciating and long. Why does radical and meaningful change have to take such a process? God is building a new me. He has taken my sins and washed me white as the snow. I am not the woman I once was. God is taking my broken heart and parts and is making me into something beautiful.

The pain of divorce is real, intense and well, horrible. I miss my husband. I miss the man I married ten years ago. Where did he go? As much as I hate him and feel this uncomforting sense of abandonment, I still pray for him, that God will change him into the man God wants him to be. I pray that he becomes the man our children need him to be.

Tonight I just sit and I cry. Alone. I'm tired of being brave. My heart is broken and I'm pissed off about it. My children are not here and that makes my heart very very sad. I want to sneak into their rooms, cover them up and give them a kiss. But I can't. I only get to do that 4 nights a month. That sucks. I want my children back.

I should stop. I have to stop before my eyes run out of tears.