Change can be good

Hanging out, watching some silly tv show. 24. I'm embarassed to say that I still watch it.

Robin Hood, the movie, with hunky Russell Crowe is coming out soon. Can't wait.

Changing therapists. My old one graduated and is finishing her hours of counseling. New one starts next week. This will be my third one in not quite a year of counseling at this place I go to. It's the first time counseling has ever really "worked"...and it's ironic that it's working now that I'm away from him. (There is no irony with God, just His perfect timing).

Struggling with anger toward him tonight. Over a situation that I can't talk about. But it is hard for me to just relax. I'm ready for our marriage to be over. Now to negotiate our way out of it. My heart will never be the same again. Maybe it's going to heal and maybe I'll get to enjoy a new shot at life. I'm thankful to have this opportunity to do better.....and to trust God with every little thing in my life.

Tonight I'm letting go of my anger. I choose to forgive tonight.

Shivers Up my Spine

Saddle up your horses. We've got a trail to blaze. Lets follow our leader into the glorious unknown. This is a life like no other. This is the great adventure.

(sends shivers down my spine)

Come on get ready for the ride of your life.

The love of God will take us beyond our wildest dreams. Yeah yeah yeah

Come on, get ready!

-Steven Curtis Chapman. One of my all time favorite songs, the theme of my life over the past couple of years.

Tired Happy Confused Mom of Little People

Tonight I'm just tired. I had a super stressful day at work, got there early and also took a short lunch break for the overtime. Picked up the children on my way home from work, then we just had to go on two errands....but they were happy campers. I love doing for them.

Made dinner, ate late. Jammies after dinner tonight then bed for little one. Little one is mad as anything and is hitting, scratching and being mean to me and her sibling(s). Oldest and I prayed together tonight, for oldest and for youngest.

I must go sleep now. I am ready to pass out. I just finished the laundry (sort of), the dishwasher is humming and I'm about to pick up the grumpy fur ball and go to sleep. I pray everyone sleeps good here tonight.

I think one of my furballs is sick. And I can't afford to take her to the vet. I owe the IRS and I still owe about $650 for one of my past medical bills I got left with in this divorce. I am taxed out. Literally and figuratively. My car needs a $200+ repair and I'm supposed to be saving to move. I really need a raise. I need God to come through somehow, some way. I know and believe He will. He has taken care of my needs from day one of being on my own.

I have to be brave and courageous. I feel overwhelmed tonight and alone. I pray for rejuvenating strength and sleep.

Thankful for another week of consistent energy and no major dramas this week. Work was stressful but I feel like I handled it just fine. Just put on my fav song: "Be still and know" by Steven Curtis Chapman. It is my prayer tonight to my God. Be still and know that He is God. Wonderful song of worship.

Another Monday

Another Monday. Today was just a nice, calm day. Work wasn't hectic. I felt in control of my work world and my emotions. It was nice.

I miss the little people. So much. I like to call them on our nights away from each other. They were making me pictures tonight. ahhhh how sweet.

I feel like I'm on the verge of something new I'm just not sure yet as God has not revealed it to me. I'm willing, I'm able, for whatever He might lead me to do.

Every day I want so much to be an example of God's love to the people I work with. Sometimes I feel good about it. Sometimes I feel like I fail.

Tomorrow's a new day.

Until then, I remain.

Maxed Out.

Tonight I'm just maxed out. Hard week at work. Hard week with the children. Hard week with finances. Just hard all around.

Trying to just do the next thing in front of me, allow myself some grace.

Trying not to be hopping mad at the soon to be ex. Just tired of the way he treats me and treats the children.

I've got to let it go. I'm just trying to get over being sick.

Tomorrow's another day. Off to dreamland now. (oh, please let me have good dreams even if it's just when I'm asleep!)

It is what it is

Feeling out of control tonight. Anxious. Got my taxes filed, my first time doing that alone in 10 years. Last year I took exceptions for the kids thinking that was normal but then later realized that I couldn't claim them, that HE could. So I underpaid taxes and my alimony wasn't taxed. So basically screwed. I owed about 2500.00. I was able to pay 1500 of it or so but it leaves me taxed out!

So I was just getting the debt he left me with almost paid down, I now face a while until I can be free of debt. It is what it is. It's where I am. It won't always be like this I know. It is what it is.

Tomorrow I am going in early and then plan to take a short lunch and leave early to go to the vet.

Tonight I just have to let this go. I have no control over it. I have learned a lot and this tax situation WILL NEVER happen to me again.

I just felt like I was getting out from under the pile. I had saved enough to move and put a downpayment on a new apartment and pay for a mover. Now, I'm starting from scratch and only have 6 months to get ready to move.

I want to scream, to yell and I can't. I'm smarter than this. I shouldn't be in this situation.

GRRRRR

Painful Metamorphosis of my Soul

Tonight I was driving home from being out and I realized that I've never driven so much as I have since I've been on my own. I miss sitting in the passenger seat, being someone, my dear one's passenger.

The other day one of the kids was talking about heaven and he/she was talking like in heaven we'll be a family, all 4 of us. I had to look away, it hurt my soul so much. It made me sad for my little one.

It's especially hard today as I'm physically very ill. I hope the antibiotics start to work soon.

Tonight my little one talked about missing me on the phone. It made me sad.

Feeling maybe a little better than yesterday.

Tonight I realized that there is much unsaid between my soon to be ex and I. I think that I long to tell him the extent of my hurt, to see if he would take some responsibility for breaking my heart. I cannot have that conversation. This week I thought of how much I long for heaven. How I long to be home. Don't worry, I'm not going anywhere or doing anything stupid. I just long for the day when I am made into a perfected state. I wonder, when we get to heaven, will our broken relationships from here on earth be mended or even be relavent? It's a lovely sentiment. The idea that in heaven what is broken here will be fixed.

I have never been through anything like this in all the world, in my life. I say "through" because I WILL MOVE THROUGH THIS. God will heal what is broken, God IS healing what is broken in my heart. The time seems excruciating and long. Why does radical and meaningful change have to take such a process? God is building a new me. He has taken my sins and washed me white as the snow. I am not the woman I once was. God is taking my broken heart and parts and is making me into something beautiful.

The pain of divorce is real, intense and well, horrible. I miss my husband. I miss the man I married ten years ago. Where did he go? As much as I hate him and feel this uncomforting sense of abandonment, I still pray for him, that God will change him into the man God wants him to be. I pray that he becomes the man our children need him to be.

Tonight I just sit and I cry. Alone. I'm tired of being brave. My heart is broken and I'm pissed off about it. My children are not here and that makes my heart very very sad. I want to sneak into their rooms, cover them up and give them a kiss. But I can't. I only get to do that 4 nights a month. That sucks. I want my children back.

I should stop. I have to stop before my eyes run out of tears.