Empowering the Young

Tonight we dined and then we played.  Met some new kids at the apartment; they seem nice.  A bunch of young boys, three under 8.

Big day at work today, I seemed to get a lot done this morning and then this afternoon it went really slow.  I had a big, complicated job to work on which took most of the afternoon but it will pay off in the end for the clients.

I feel like the stress has let up (after last week's ordeal).  I'm back to my normal healthy happy self.  I had fun tonight with the children.  I hate that I have to call them "the children" because I can't afford to have my "ex" identify me or anyone else mentioned in this blog.  Trying to be anonymous.

Frankly I'm sick of being anonymous.  I can't wait until this divorce is final and I can finally be free from that control freak.  Now I have to teach my children how to become self-assured young people.  Was working on that with the oldest at dinner tonight.  I told her that it was okay for her to have her own opinions but that she still had to obey mom and dad.

I have to empower them how to deal with their situation and with their dad.  And do it in a way that does not tear him down (that's tricky).  One said this weekend that maybe "daddy doesn't love you" (she was dealing with the divorce not being my idea).  She came up with this all by herself.  She also told me that she likes the way I do activity X with them, that dad doesn't do X but I do.

My parenting strategy has changed since I first moved here until now.   Now I need to empower them to deal with the situation they are in, since I am unable to change it as quickly as I'd like.  Sometimes I think of the future and wonder if God will give me back my babies.  I hope and I pray.  I want a good future for myself and I feel trapped a little bit still.

Missing Them

Missing them bad.   I do not like this.  When they are not with me I worry about their well being, their safety.  I think that is the plight of all mamas out there.

I will never stop fighting for them, never.

Weekends are hard, that's when I miss them the most.

I want to scoop them up and just hold them tight.

Now I just pray for them.  That God will protect them.

I pray for wisdom for me and strength.

Pray

Missing my children tonight and it's only been a little while since they left.  I had a lovely time with them...too much fun.  I think that with each week that goes by I'm even more thankful to be a mom.  To be their mom.  God knew.

Every time I have to "give them back" (what it seems like), I'm sad but mostly because my little one needs me.  So does my big one.  I feel like with the little one I just get to know him/her and then I have give her back.

I'm missing them already.  I'm missing them with all of my heart.  God, please give me back my angels.  I cannot bear to be without them.

Wax On, Wax Off

Great weekend, had a real blast working on some things again that I haven't done in a long time.  For many years I was told that I wasn't a real X, I just did Y.  This weekend I proved to me that not only am  I good at X, I'm darn good at it!

Being creative was such a good thing for me this weekend.  It was relaxing.  I mean, only doing something that I love could I sit in one very uncomfortable kitchen chair for 13 hours and barely want to stop at the end of that 13 hours.  Plus, I got to work on it some today too.  Not as much as I would have liked but enough.  I plan to work tomorrow on it.

Big week at work.  Big week in personal life.  Big week in general.  I took some time for myself today and took a nap and it was so refreshing.  I felt so much more at peace after that and could start back in on my work.

This might sound funny but I totally want to see the new Karate Kid movie with Will Smith's kid in it.  Looks great.    I had planned to go to a movie yesterday but got wrapped up in stuff, then today took a nap through my window to go.  Oh well.  I can do it again in two weeks.

So tonight I pray for peace from God.  That He will send His angels down to guard over my steps, my walk and my words.  I pray for wisdom with this big week coming up.  I need courage to say the truth, even if that means saying things that are hard to say, hard for some to hear and just hard.  I will not be bullied anymore.  I am ready to tell what I need to say, what happened to me and who did it to me.  That is the scariest thing in the whole world still.  That's how powerful abuse is.  That person's still inside your head years after they're gone.

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference.  Old matra.  Same message.  Still relevant.

Now I unplug.  Unglue myself a little from the web.  Concentrate on people I love, friends I care about and pray for my children.

Unplugged Plugging

Unplugging myself.  Plugging in the ole laptop.  Bedybytime.

Night night all

Trust destroyed Then rebuilt, slowly

I had a pretty good day and a pretty good evening but it's hitting me again hard.  The loss of my husband is devastating and I'm sad.  I'm very very sad.  I do not miss the way he treated me.

I miss the dreams I had.  I miss the plans we shared.  I miss the future we had hoped for.

Then God moved a different way.  I feel like I've been rescued from a really bad place and been given a chance at a life.  A chance to maybe be happy. God continues to move in my heart.  Most of the change that has happened is also accompanied by many, many tears.

I loved passionately and completely and was rejected.  There is no other way to say it.  I can try to look for the lining in the clouds, but there is not a silver lining.  There is just tears.  Many many tears.  Dreams that have died.

Slowly, ever so slowly God has been healing my heart.  He's preparing me for something or someone I'm not sure.  Part of me wants to hide from life and avoid people, thus keeping myself from getting hurt again.  I know that is not what  God wants.  He keeps bringing people into my life, one at a time, building a network of people who I like and can someday trust.

What people don't realize is that divorce totally destroys your sense of trust in people.   I'm not sure when that is going to be returned.  It's starting, that's about all I can say.

I'm thankful tonight, even though it's dark it's not nearly as dark as it used to be.  I have hope.  It's guarded but I do have some hope.  I have my children.  At least I have their hearts even if I don't have their little bodies here all the time.

God put a vision in me.  Clear as day, down to what my sidewalk would look like.  I have something to hold onto  (other than God!).  I have a new vision for what life can be like.  I can work hard and maybe make some sort of life along the way.

I'm so tired of being lonely.  I need to quit writing because it just brings more tears.  I cannot breathe from all the crying of the last half hour.  God I need your gentle peace.  The peace that passes all understanding.  I am asking you, now, Lord, to bring some peace to my life if that would be your will.

Worship with Tears

Another long day.  I got some good overtime today, maybe 1.5 hours at 1.5 times my normal rate.  That will help the tax man who I still owe!

Talked to my dad tonight, that always makes me happy.  Talks with him keep me going when I feel down. I'm so fortunate to have my dad (and mom).  As I get older they seem to mean more and more to me.  My dad has taught me how to be tough.  How to be gentle.  How to be well, me!

I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that God has me right where He wants me.  There are days when I am happy about that and there are days when I am angry about where I am.  I'm just being honest.  This is NOT where I had myself pictured; in fact this is as far away from what I had planned.  I trust Him enough to just "be".

My heart struggles each day; I miss my children in a way that no one should have to deal with.  Somehow in the middle of this I've become a tough cookie!  Actually I have always been a tough cookie.  When you hear about all the wild things that God has brought me through, even I am amazed and I am the one who has been through this crazy journey.

I'm still absolutely worn out; I need to do basic things like clean house, do laundry, etc.  I'm just sooo tired at night.  Work is very stressful right now; I have to keep up, be one step better than the next guy.  It's hard.  There are days when my thoughts are only on my children and on my life outside of work.  The way I choose to look at my job is this: "do all things heartily as unto the Lord."  So I am in a job where I'm underpaid but I do it every day because I do it unto the Lord.

My worship on Sunday is often in tears.  I sit and listen in church and I sit and I cry.  God is clearly moving in my life.  I need to listen for him.  "Be still and know that I am God..." He says.  Be still.  Be still.