Trust destroyed Then rebuilt, slowly

I had a pretty good day and a pretty good evening but it's hitting me again hard.  The loss of my husband is devastating and I'm sad.  I'm very very sad.  I do not miss the way he treated me.

I miss the dreams I had.  I miss the plans we shared.  I miss the future we had hoped for.

Then God moved a different way.  I feel like I've been rescued from a really bad place and been given a chance at a life.  A chance to maybe be happy. God continues to move in my heart.  Most of the change that has happened is also accompanied by many, many tears.

I loved passionately and completely and was rejected.  There is no other way to say it.  I can try to look for the lining in the clouds, but there is not a silver lining.  There is just tears.  Many many tears.  Dreams that have died.

Slowly, ever so slowly God has been healing my heart.  He's preparing me for something or someone I'm not sure.  Part of me wants to hide from life and avoid people, thus keeping myself from getting hurt again.  I know that is not what  God wants.  He keeps bringing people into my life, one at a time, building a network of people who I like and can someday trust.

What people don't realize is that divorce totally destroys your sense of trust in people.   I'm not sure when that is going to be returned.  It's starting, that's about all I can say.

I'm thankful tonight, even though it's dark it's not nearly as dark as it used to be.  I have hope.  It's guarded but I do have some hope.  I have my children.  At least I have their hearts even if I don't have their little bodies here all the time.

God put a vision in me.  Clear as day, down to what my sidewalk would look like.  I have something to hold onto  (other than God!).  I have a new vision for what life can be like.  I can work hard and maybe make some sort of life along the way.

I'm so tired of being lonely.  I need to quit writing because it just brings more tears.  I cannot breathe from all the crying of the last half hour.  God I need your gentle peace.  The peace that passes all understanding.  I am asking you, now, Lord, to bring some peace to my life if that would be your will.