Good, nice busy Monday. Last week or two has been super slow so this is nice. It is nice to be busy because that gives me a chance to shine! I'm working so hard, it is a relief to be busy and to not have to think about my life and what is happening in it. I did cry this morning on the way to work but it didn't ruin my makeup so it wasn't too bad.
No crying on the way home; a definite improvement over the way it has been lately. The closer the divorce gets the more sentimental I've become and the harder doing this divorce becomes. I've had to remind myself of what it was really like to live with him. I don't ever want to feel like that again, no matter what. Sure, it would be great if we all could be a family again but until God works in him and changes him into someone with a new heart, I can never be with him. I have to make a life for myself outside of him, without him, maybe and probably forever. This is not something that I take lightly. This man is the father of my children. We've gone through hell and back but I still feel like I'm a little bit in hell. Tearing apart a marriage, a union both of soul and physical, is messy. Hurtful.
On one hand I want it to BE OVER. I want finality. My brother told me tonight that it's never over. They are always in your life. I suppose that is true. He is the father of the children.
I am tired tonight. This is gonna be a big week for me and the kiddos. I am looking forward to it because I know that I'm a strong mama who can handle anything God puts in front of her through His strength.
goodnight all
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