Hurting Heart

Excruciating pain, literal pain being away from my children.  Tomorrow is Mother's Day and I do not even get to see them for mother's Day.  That much I do not feel that I can bear.  He didn't even offer to let me have them and I of course cannot ask.  I will not ask, not because I do not love them, but because it gives him the power to say NO and hurt me.  So I do not ask but it makes my heart so heavy.  Either way I won't have them but I feel like by not asking I am somehow letting them down.

My family is busy this weekend with graduations of loved ones younger.  I feel like I'm totally alone in this world.  In two weeks I go to court and we will be dividing up our world, as my heart is divided now.  I cannot believe this is happening to me.  I still do not want it to happen; I still implore God for mercy and that he would change the heart of the other involved.

Part of me just wants it to be over.  Then maybe I can begin the second part of my life.

My heart is heavy tonight.  Tomorrow I will be a childless mother at church.  Sitting there while the pastor honors all the mothers.  Part of me just wants to stay home and avoid experiencing the pain, to hide, to shield my heart from the hurt.  When does self preservation seem logical and when is it being cowardly?

I have not talked with them in two days and that is making me angry.   Gosh darn it the whole situation makes me angry.  My children were essentially taken away from me and I am not even considered on the same level as the soon to be ex spouse.  We'll see how long that lasts.  I have plans and will be making them or putting them into action soon.

I'm weary.  My heart hurts tonight.