God is moving. He is leading and it's exciting! Tonight I feel good. Inside and out. I feel whole for the first time in forever. I know "whole" sounds all therapy-ish but it's really how I feel. For years I felt fractured into little pieces, broken inside and out. God has taken me from broken to whole in just two short but long years!
It seems like now things that were once overwhelming are easier than they used to be. I'm stronger inside - stronger than I ever was and it took great adversity to make me strong. It's brought about proven character and proven character has brought about HOPE. With a capital H.
I tell people that God is good a lot and I know that if you're hurting that may not be how you feel about Him. Sometimes when you're hurting you feel like He should be doing something different than He is. What is amazing is that He knew each day of your life before you even took your first breath. He knows the number of hairs on your head. He knows when one of His sparrows falls from the sky. How great is His love toward us. Toward us even when we were sinners, He sent His very own son to die for our sins. For us. Took our place. That still amazes me and I've been a Christian for quite some time now.
God uses people who show up. People who want to be used. I very much want to be used of God. Right now my mission field is equipping my children to live with their dad. I know that sounds funny if you don't know my history but it's necessary. I'm equipping them with good self esteems so when they go to school they will know what God thinks about them and how much they are loved by their mom.
Humbled tonight to talk with my family, far away as they were. Miss them a lot and wish they were closer. Good thing I have unlimited minutes.
Tonight I marvel at the goodness and graciousness of my Heavenly Father. He truly is all I need. He is the breathe and life of me, He is my hope and my tomorrow. He is my yesterday and forever. He's been there with me through some of the darkest times that I've ever been through. Times that would have crushed my spirit before now do not. God has rebuilt me, He's infused me with courage and is using me in the lives of my children. It's cool.
I must put down the computer. I need to go read some Psalms and be uplifted.
Night!
Monday, August 9, 2010
Thursday, August 5, 2010
Foggy Noodle
Today I just felt as if I were in a fog. It was weird. I felt like I worked and worked and worked and didn't get anything done. I had almost no clarity and it was annoying.
I hope tomorrow goes good. I've been working really really hard all week.
I'm thinking that the stress of this pending divorce is just slowly leaching the energy from my body. Must go to bed tonight early so I can pray and spend time with God. Lots to pray about. Many people who need His help and presence.
To all who read you are the joys of my life, thank you for your friendship be ye near or far.
night
I hope tomorrow goes good. I've been working really really hard all week.
I'm thinking that the stress of this pending divorce is just slowly leaching the energy from my body. Must go to bed tonight early so I can pray and spend time with God. Lots to pray about. Many people who need His help and presence.
To all who read you are the joys of my life, thank you for your friendship be ye near or far.
night
Wednesday, August 4, 2010
I remain His
Another day has passed. It was busy today at work which made it go by quickly. I was ready for lunch at 10 this morning! I tried something new for lunch - yummy vegetables. Good for me too.
Glad it's almost time to turn in.
I feel like all my creative juices have just dried up. ! (could be I'm just tired and worn out!)
Until tomorrow
I remain
His. The Father's.
Glad it's almost time to turn in.
I feel like all my creative juices have just dried up. ! (could be I'm just tired and worn out!)
Until tomorrow
I remain
His. The Father's.
Tuesday, August 3, 2010
Stepping Up
Another day. Another day closer but to what? Another day closer to moving. Another day closer to being single. Again. So many years after I was single for the first time. I have excitement about my future but it is still a little scary too.
Work is going really good which is a good thing. I have tried to step it up, challenge myself to be better, out perform my colleagues. He might not realize it but my goal is to out-do, out-smart and out-perform my colleague. If a leadership position opens up then I want it. I want to be the number one candidate for it. That is why I'm stepping up my game.
I'm tired so I'm calling it.
Work is going really good which is a good thing. I have tried to step it up, challenge myself to be better, out perform my colleagues. He might not realize it but my goal is to out-do, out-smart and out-perform my colleague. If a leadership position opens up then I want it. I want to be the number one candidate for it. That is why I'm stepping up my game.
I'm tired so I'm calling it.
Sunday, August 1, 2010
Mixed Feelings
Today I am having mixed feelings. On the way home from the movie I just cried and cried as I thought about the fact that in about a month or so the judge is going to decree that we are divorced. My feelings are mixed because I know that I cannot live with the man I was married to until God changes Him. I just cannot. So I have to let him go, I have to say goodbye and leave him in God's care. But my heart will go with him. I gave it to him the day we married. He's trying to give it back and I don't want it back. I still want him to have it. (see I told you that I had mixed feelings).
Going through a divorce is right up there on the list of life's most stressful events. I should do research but I'll wager it's in the top 5 most stressful things. I feel let down, betrayed, unloved, hurt and broken. All because of one phrase "I wanted to tell you that I filed for divorce yesterday." That phrase forever burned in my memory like a horrific string of words that it is. That is when my world literally turned upside down. Every value I held dear, every thing and person I trusted was now suspect. I clung to the few people I trusted and I poured out my soul to them. Including my dad, my brothers, my sister in law, and a few really really good and old friends. You know who you are.
God is good. We throw that phrase around in church a lot. Think about it. Do you really really believe it? When your child dies from cancer, do you believe God is good? When you lose your job and you're one paycheck away from being homeless, do you believe that God is good? It is during those times when you are tested that your faith is tested. I have been through the fire and what remains is beautiful. It's gold. The shallowness of my old self is gone and I am made pure by going through this "fire" or trial in my life.
Loving God when things are going good is easy. Loving God when your world is falling apart is harder. Loving God when you are devastated at the state of where you are is true, unadulterated faith. I now have THAT kind of faith but it has taken 20 years of struggling. It has taken me recovering from being an alcoholic, it has taken me recovering from this illness and that, it has taken me being diagnosed with bipolar disorder and it took me wanting to end my life until I came to appreciate my life and the gift that it is. You see, I am worth something to God. He looked inside a long time ago and saw something beautiful and He has upheld me in His right hand every since. Through the darkness, through the depression that falls upon my soul like a daily burden I bear.
I mean, there are times when I feel true joy, but for the most part, I struggle with depression every single day of my life. They have me on good medications which help make me stable but I still struggle with the sadness that is inside. It's physiological, it is NOT a choice. I am a dichotomy - one half of me is this person who struggles what seem to be incredible battles and the other side of me is this person who now knows how much she is worth to God. It took me going through the fire to realize my own self-worth. To realize that all those times when I checked myself into the hospital because I no longer wanted to live were for a purpose. God was knitting together a history.
I've always felt like I was experiencing these struggles for a greater purpose. That someday, somehow, someway I will be able to help many people go through their own struggles too. That desire is burned into my heart. It is the desire of my heart - to help others. To be an example of what it is like to honor God in the midst of life's most difficult times. I just want to honor Him.
Going through a divorce is right up there on the list of life's most stressful events. I should do research but I'll wager it's in the top 5 most stressful things. I feel let down, betrayed, unloved, hurt and broken. All because of one phrase "I wanted to tell you that I filed for divorce yesterday." That phrase forever burned in my memory like a horrific string of words that it is. That is when my world literally turned upside down. Every value I held dear, every thing and person I trusted was now suspect. I clung to the few people I trusted and I poured out my soul to them. Including my dad, my brothers, my sister in law, and a few really really good and old friends. You know who you are.
God is good. We throw that phrase around in church a lot. Think about it. Do you really really believe it? When your child dies from cancer, do you believe God is good? When you lose your job and you're one paycheck away from being homeless, do you believe that God is good? It is during those times when you are tested that your faith is tested. I have been through the fire and what remains is beautiful. It's gold. The shallowness of my old self is gone and I am made pure by going through this "fire" or trial in my life.
Loving God when things are going good is easy. Loving God when your world is falling apart is harder. Loving God when you are devastated at the state of where you are is true, unadulterated faith. I now have THAT kind of faith but it has taken 20 years of struggling. It has taken me recovering from being an alcoholic, it has taken me recovering from this illness and that, it has taken me being diagnosed with bipolar disorder and it took me wanting to end my life until I came to appreciate my life and the gift that it is. You see, I am worth something to God. He looked inside a long time ago and saw something beautiful and He has upheld me in His right hand every since. Through the darkness, through the depression that falls upon my soul like a daily burden I bear.
I mean, there are times when I feel true joy, but for the most part, I struggle with depression every single day of my life. They have me on good medications which help make me stable but I still struggle with the sadness that is inside. It's physiological, it is NOT a choice. I am a dichotomy - one half of me is this person who struggles what seem to be incredible battles and the other side of me is this person who now knows how much she is worth to God. It took me going through the fire to realize my own self-worth. To realize that all those times when I checked myself into the hospital because I no longer wanted to live were for a purpose. God was knitting together a history.
I've always felt like I was experiencing these struggles for a greater purpose. That someday, somehow, someway I will be able to help many people go through their own struggles too. That desire is burned into my heart. It is the desire of my heart - to help others. To be an example of what it is like to honor God in the midst of life's most difficult times. I just want to honor Him.
Saturday, July 31, 2010
The Providence of God
Today, in fact this whole week I felt the hand of God on and in my life. Last weekend I prayed a heart felt prayer to ask God for guidance and wisdom regarding my living situation. The very next day a person at a place I go to told me that because of some info I had given her I now qualified for their help. I was to pick up a letter from them and then take it to this place, this apartment complex and fill out an application.
So Wednesday I picked up the letter and today I went to the apartment place. I walked in, a little scared that I would be treated as a less than human being because of my situation and this letter I carried. A very nice woman sat down with me, told me all about what they do, and showed me the apartment. It was smaller - much smaller than my current place but it will be adequate for my needs for the next couple of years. I filled out an application and she ran the credit check which wasn't great because someone else left me with a mountain of debt and no job. He had stopped paying my bills months before the divorce was filed. So when I got these bills they were already or close to being in collections. Thanks to God and some help from people I have been able to pay them off, I"m almost done.
I was treated with dignity and respect and it felt amazing. I am going to be living quite a ways from the kids but maybe this is what I need - a fresh start in new surroundings. It is not far from where we once lived when my oldest was young. It's crowded and busy but it is going to be my new home and I am just thankful. I am blessed beyond belief.
Can't wait to talk to the kids to tell them the news. God is working. He is moving. More than ever I want to know His will and do it no matter the consequence to me.
Amazing things are happening in my life. Some of my friends are experiencing great happiness while others are in deep despair. I rejoice with one and mourn with one. Bearing one another's burdens. God created us all for relationships with each other. That is what it is all about. He as the creator longs to have relationships with His children. We, those who are His children, should long for Him in the same way.
On my way home tonight I cried. It felt good to be treated with dignity today at the place where I went. Tonight I miss my children immensely. They are with their father and I have not talked with them since yesterday when I took them to their day camp. I long to have them with me. I believe that somehow someday God will work it out for my children to be with me either all the time or most of the time. I long for that. I beseech God for that.
Tonight I have one or two relationships with people that need mending and I'm not sure how to begin. It starts with humility and I need to ask God for wisdom to know how to work things out. I have an idea. I will have to see if this person is open to my idea. It would be an olive branch offered. A peace offering. To mend what has been broken.
God is doing an amazing work in my life. Nothing is impossible for God. It's nice to have such an a person on your side. I feel as if He would move mountains for me and He has!!!!! Things that I thought impossible are now possible. God is working out the path of my life day by day and I am thankful for His many blessings.
Tonight I am thankful to be alive after last week's scare. I am thankful for friends who truly care about me. I am thankful for my family who has stood with me against the enemy who has tried to tear me down. Satan has tried to shipwreck my life for the past 5-6 years and God just keeps protecting me, putting me under his wing to shelter me from what Satan is trying to do. God has been the insulation of my life. He hasn't insulated me from experiencing the hurts and results of sin and the break up of my relationship but he has insulated me somewhat from Satan's attacks. I feel a little like God did to me like He did to Job. God allowed Satan to do all these horrible things to see if Job would remain righteous and remain trusting in His maker. I feel like God has allowed me to experience great pain and although I may never truly and fully understand it while I'm here, I know that God has a purpose for what He is doing and I trust Him.
You see, his character is good. He is good. He is omnipotent. He is omniscient. He is all in all. He is the I AM. Before the world began He was. God spoke and the world came into existence. Then He created man, his greatest creation and the one that He loves the most.
We live in a fallen world. We're broken people who love God passionately through the pain, through the hurt and through the disappointment because we love God THAT MUCH. We rest in Him.
Lately all I've wanted to do is write. I rarely turn on my tv anymore, am contemplating getting rid of cable and getting rid of tv at our home. I'm not sure that I'm going that radical. I'm just thinking about it. I want to help other people who are hurting. I feel it is my calling, my mission. I'm not exactly sure who I'm supposed to help but God knows. I just have to listen for His plan.
God is on His throne. Someday we will worship at His feet in awe of His majesty. Singing Holy Holy Holy. When I get there I want more than anything else in the world to hear God say "well done my good servant." That would be the best words ever spoken.
That is all there is so say tonight.
So Wednesday I picked up the letter and today I went to the apartment place. I walked in, a little scared that I would be treated as a less than human being because of my situation and this letter I carried. A very nice woman sat down with me, told me all about what they do, and showed me the apartment. It was smaller - much smaller than my current place but it will be adequate for my needs for the next couple of years. I filled out an application and she ran the credit check which wasn't great because someone else left me with a mountain of debt and no job. He had stopped paying my bills months before the divorce was filed. So when I got these bills they were already or close to being in collections. Thanks to God and some help from people I have been able to pay them off, I"m almost done.
I was treated with dignity and respect and it felt amazing. I am going to be living quite a ways from the kids but maybe this is what I need - a fresh start in new surroundings. It is not far from where we once lived when my oldest was young. It's crowded and busy but it is going to be my new home and I am just thankful. I am blessed beyond belief.
Can't wait to talk to the kids to tell them the news. God is working. He is moving. More than ever I want to know His will and do it no matter the consequence to me.
Amazing things are happening in my life. Some of my friends are experiencing great happiness while others are in deep despair. I rejoice with one and mourn with one. Bearing one another's burdens. God created us all for relationships with each other. That is what it is all about. He as the creator longs to have relationships with His children. We, those who are His children, should long for Him in the same way.
On my way home tonight I cried. It felt good to be treated with dignity today at the place where I went. Tonight I miss my children immensely. They are with their father and I have not talked with them since yesterday when I took them to their day camp. I long to have them with me. I believe that somehow someday God will work it out for my children to be with me either all the time or most of the time. I long for that. I beseech God for that.
Tonight I have one or two relationships with people that need mending and I'm not sure how to begin. It starts with humility and I need to ask God for wisdom to know how to work things out. I have an idea. I will have to see if this person is open to my idea. It would be an olive branch offered. A peace offering. To mend what has been broken.
God is doing an amazing work in my life. Nothing is impossible for God. It's nice to have such an a person on your side. I feel as if He would move mountains for me and He has!!!!! Things that I thought impossible are now possible. God is working out the path of my life day by day and I am thankful for His many blessings.
Tonight I am thankful to be alive after last week's scare. I am thankful for friends who truly care about me. I am thankful for my family who has stood with me against the enemy who has tried to tear me down. Satan has tried to shipwreck my life for the past 5-6 years and God just keeps protecting me, putting me under his wing to shelter me from what Satan is trying to do. God has been the insulation of my life. He hasn't insulated me from experiencing the hurts and results of sin and the break up of my relationship but he has insulated me somewhat from Satan's attacks. I feel a little like God did to me like He did to Job. God allowed Satan to do all these horrible things to see if Job would remain righteous and remain trusting in His maker. I feel like God has allowed me to experience great pain and although I may never truly and fully understand it while I'm here, I know that God has a purpose for what He is doing and I trust Him.
You see, his character is good. He is good. He is omnipotent. He is omniscient. He is all in all. He is the I AM. Before the world began He was. God spoke and the world came into existence. Then He created man, his greatest creation and the one that He loves the most.
We live in a fallen world. We're broken people who love God passionately through the pain, through the hurt and through the disappointment because we love God THAT MUCH. We rest in Him.
Lately all I've wanted to do is write. I rarely turn on my tv anymore, am contemplating getting rid of cable and getting rid of tv at our home. I'm not sure that I'm going that radical. I'm just thinking about it. I want to help other people who are hurting. I feel it is my calling, my mission. I'm not exactly sure who I'm supposed to help but God knows. I just have to listen for His plan.
God is on His throne. Someday we will worship at His feet in awe of His majesty. Singing Holy Holy Holy. When I get there I want more than anything else in the world to hear God say "well done my good servant." That would be the best words ever spoken.
That is all there is so say tonight.
Wednesday, July 28, 2010
On FB and the written electronic word aka "email"
Another day. Another chance at life. What a gift; what a blessing.
I pause because my cat's laying near me somewhere in the living room and I can hear her snoring. She definitely has a sleep disorder! Hope it's not cat sleep apnea! Then she could be like me and wear a CPAP mask to breathe every night!
I return. To me, the written word is thoughtful. I prefer this as a means of communication over the phone for many reasons. I put great thought into my emails whereas when I am talking often my emotions ruin my words and I say things that I would rather not have said. This is why when it is of great importance I prefer to write it down.
Apparently I commented on a family member's pet's FB page and in doing so offended the person writing the pet page. It's so weird I can't even believe it's true but my dad said it's true. It's a dog page....take a joke. If you're going to have your dog call you mommy or daddy then you are going to get teased 'cuz that's just weird. Bottom line. Saying something like that shouldn't offend...it's just a stinkin joke.
So can you tell that I'm a little peeved tonight? Apparently I've done it again. Alienated someone in my family over something that I wrote. I give up.
I have too much S*(T in my life right now to worry about someone's dog's FB page. I mean, come on. You have GOT to be kidding. I thought it funny so I had my cats make a FB page so they could be friends with the furry creature who has since unfriended me without comment or call or email. All my kids know is that someone who used to be our/their friend is no longer their friend. I had the older one write a note to the furry creature and all, making it a fun thing that the kids could do.
Grow up. At least have the courtesy to let me know you're mad. At least then I would have a fighting chance to mend the friendship.
I give up. I'm done. Of course I care about the relationship or it wouldn't bother me this much. The fact is, I'M NOT LIKE EVERYONE IN MY FAMILY. Have they figured that out yet? I do and like different things that are okay. Like email. Email is not the world's evil. It's neutral. My dad actually told me tonight that email is the lowest form of communication. Apparently one other family member doesn't believe in email anymore and the sentiment has spread among my family. It's absurd. I have to have email to perform my job. Without it I would not have a job or could not do it as efficiently.
I'm just done. I'm freaking frustrated. I even called the person to apologize and my call has not been returned. Geesh. How immature. At least I made a gesture.
I'm tired, haven't had dinner, had stupid therapy tonight. Kids were weird and odd on the phone tonight, then I talk to my dad for a long time and that was odd. Apparently I said something to my mom that had her all bent out of shape for weeks.
I give up. I try to have relationships with people. I shouldn't have to change who I am to be friends or family with someone. I mean, I'm a nice person and I care about people. My intentions are always honorable....especially in my communication. This is why I am venting frustration over the phone, internet and family and friends tonight.
I'm done. Goodnight
I pause because my cat's laying near me somewhere in the living room and I can hear her snoring. She definitely has a sleep disorder! Hope it's not cat sleep apnea! Then she could be like me and wear a CPAP mask to breathe every night!
I return. To me, the written word is thoughtful. I prefer this as a means of communication over the phone for many reasons. I put great thought into my emails whereas when I am talking often my emotions ruin my words and I say things that I would rather not have said. This is why when it is of great importance I prefer to write it down.
Apparently I commented on a family member's pet's FB page and in doing so offended the person writing the pet page. It's so weird I can't even believe it's true but my dad said it's true. It's a dog page....take a joke. If you're going to have your dog call you mommy or daddy then you are going to get teased 'cuz that's just weird. Bottom line. Saying something like that shouldn't offend...it's just a stinkin joke.
So can you tell that I'm a little peeved tonight? Apparently I've done it again. Alienated someone in my family over something that I wrote. I give up.
I have too much S*(T in my life right now to worry about someone's dog's FB page. I mean, come on. You have GOT to be kidding. I thought it funny so I had my cats make a FB page so they could be friends with the furry creature who has since unfriended me without comment or call or email. All my kids know is that someone who used to be our/their friend is no longer their friend. I had the older one write a note to the furry creature and all, making it a fun thing that the kids could do.
Grow up. At least have the courtesy to let me know you're mad. At least then I would have a fighting chance to mend the friendship.
I give up. I'm done. Of course I care about the relationship or it wouldn't bother me this much. The fact is, I'M NOT LIKE EVERYONE IN MY FAMILY. Have they figured that out yet? I do and like different things that are okay. Like email. Email is not the world's evil. It's neutral. My dad actually told me tonight that email is the lowest form of communication. Apparently one other family member doesn't believe in email anymore and the sentiment has spread among my family. It's absurd. I have to have email to perform my job. Without it I would not have a job or could not do it as efficiently.
I'm just done. I'm freaking frustrated. I even called the person to apologize and my call has not been returned. Geesh. How immature. At least I made a gesture.
I'm tired, haven't had dinner, had stupid therapy tonight. Kids were weird and odd on the phone tonight, then I talk to my dad for a long time and that was odd. Apparently I said something to my mom that had her all bent out of shape for weeks.
I give up. I try to have relationships with people. I shouldn't have to change who I am to be friends or family with someone. I mean, I'm a nice person and I care about people. My intentions are always honorable....especially in my communication. This is why I am venting frustration over the phone, internet and family and friends tonight.
I'm done. Goodnight
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