Another Day, Grateful

Another day has passed.  I did not die from stress although I had high stress all day.  My boss was giving me grief about requesting time off to attend my children's doctor's appointments.  Seriously.  I'm at the point that if I get pushed much more I'm going to blow up at somebody.  I do not want that to happen.  So I breathe, pray a lot and read my Bible.

I need to break it down into manageable parts.  One hour at a time, one minute at a time.  Until the next one, then do what is in front of me right then.  Keep working as hard as possible even though the stress and pain seems unbearable.

I should go to bed before my early riser gets up!  I've got one that's usually climbing into bed no later than 6 on the weekends.  Oh well.  I've got 10 minutes until lights out.

I've learned a lot about myself in the last couple of months.  I started to remember.  I started to remember who I really am.  Then I continue to read about who Jesus thinks I am and take that to heart.  The God of the universe, the one who spread the stars in the sky and named them all knows ME intimately.  There are not words for that.

Although I know it's not my time, I cannot wait to get to Heaven.  In Heaven I will be healed, in a perfect body with no aches and pains.  My body will be glorified.  I will worship at the throne singing Holy Holy Holy is the Lord God Almighty, who was and is and is to come.  I cannot wait until that day. When I can meet up with those who have gone before me and we can rejoice with each other and with our Lord.  Won't that be great?  How long, O Lord? How long must we wait?

Come quickly Lord Jesus.

Grant Me the Serenity

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change
The courage to change the things I can
and the wisdom to know the difference.

-amen-

Tonight I need just a taste of serenity.  Please let the chaos stop so that I can have just a little bit of serenity. God I need the peace that only You can bring to my heart and my mind.  There's no relief from this chaos down here Lord.  I know that everything is in your Hands but my heart is tired and my body is weary and my mind just hurts.  My heart was broken long ago and not so long ago again.

Lord I want to just rest in your arms tonight.  I just want to be like a child huddled on the lap of her parent. I want to wrap my arms around you when I get to Heaven and I want to hear more than anything else I desire in this world "well done my good and faithful servant."

So tonight Lord could you give me more of You?  Can you equip my heart with Teflon so that I can let the hurt just roll off of me?

Lord I want more of you.  Help me through tonight.  Give me your mercy and grace tonight Lord.

Lyrics of a song

Tonight on my way home from counseling I was listening to a Christian song that had the lyrics "we are more than the sum of our mistakes" and I thought WOW.  We need to be preaching this off the tops of buildings.  We need to share the amazing and wonderful way God forgives us.  How amazing and how much love he had for us that He sent his ONLY son (can you imagine, mothers?) to die on a cross for our sins.

I am NOT the sum of my mistakes.  I have been forgiven, as far as the east is from the west, it says in the Bible.  I love that verse and cling to it.  When my past and the thoughts from my past and people are running their "tapes" through my brain, I just remember, I've given it all to God, asked forgiveness for my part in it all and I'M FORGIVEN.  Not kinda, not sorta.  Completely and totally.

Let that rock your world tonight.  There is NOTHING anyone can do that will ever again change the way I see myself because for perhaps the first time in my life I see myself as God sees me.  I am okay being me.  I like me.

Lately a thing or two has gotten my focus off of the truth in my heart and in the Word.  I am loved by God, blessed to be His and am beautiful inside and out.  There is not one thing any one person can do to me to change that fact.  For the first time in my life I'm okay being me.  It took a bit of a total overhaul of my heart to get to this place and a lot of prayer and input from people.

So tonight if you're not feeling so great about who you are, if you are a Christian, CELEBRATE because you are one of God's chosen, you're beautiful.  Just the way you are.  Not 5 lbs from now.  Not if this or that happens.  Right now.  You are exactly who God wants you to be at this very moment in your life.  That doesn't mean that He won't ask for change if something needs it but tonight just rest in Him.

Friendships, relationships are just blips on the screen.  Honestly it's going to take a lot more than a person to make me doubt who I am in Christ.  It's going to take a lot more than being treated unfairly.  No longer does my past have power over me.  I've let it go. Not going to hang onto it anymore.  God has given me new dreams in place of my shattered dreams.  (for those of you who haven't read it, go buy the Larry Crabb book "Shattered Dreams").  

I know my place, my purpose and my calling.  I am at peace.  Glory to God for that.

Closing Ranks

I'm closing ranks again.  Now is when I close ranks around my little family and focus on US.  Focus on loving them unconditionally, like only a mama can do.  I'm closing ranks.  This means people who used to be in my life are no longer going to have a role in my life.  I need to take care of myself and limit my exposure to people who are not helpful to me.

For me, I have nothing left to give.  I am tapped out.  I need to re-charge so that I can begin to fill refill me. I don't mean this in a selfish kind of way.  I have a responsibility only to myself and my kids to take care of myself, to serve at church, to love God with every fiber in me.

I'm just done.  I can't or won't go into details here but I'm done.  I've had one thing too many happen and now I'm out.

God's in control of my life, who comes in and out of it.  I've frankly got too much else going on to worry about anyone that isn't one of my kids or my family.  I just don't have it in me.  Seriously.  I'm on my last bit of energy and I do not have any more to give anyone else.  Is that selfish?  Maybe.  I think it's just called being responsible and knowing your limits.

This morning I cried at work, had to go outside to just let it out.  Then at lunch, I cried again.  Then tonight I cried most of the way home.  I spent some time talking to my sister in law which was good.  Now I am ready to rest....and chill out.  I just want to pet my furry kitty and hear her purr.

I am going back to my original dream: someday I want a tiny house built for three.  Me and my little people.  We're going to have flowers, a beautiful yard and a garden out back.  The house will be filled with love.  It will be the house the other kids want to come to.

Back to basics.  That does not include people who suck me dry then leave me for dead.

I need to go to the stream of living water and drink.

It's Raining Over My Head or "How to Learn to Love the Rain"

Discouragement is an understatement.  I can't even list what is going on in my life for fear that somehow someway it will be used in court against me.  One shouldn't have to think about every single word she says or writes down....or who will wind up with it.  That'll make you nuts.  I'm just saying.

What I would like to address tonight is the issue of honesty and how that affects both relationships but even your mere friendships.  If you, say, ignore, a friend for long periods of time, that says something.  It says you value other things and people more than you value that friendship.  If you're going to do this to someone, at least have the guts to tell this really good friend before her feelings get hurt.

Even here I can't write what I want.  It's extremely frustrating.  If I write what I want I risk losing a friend and I cannot risk that right now.  If I don't write what I need to say, at some point I will regret that.  So tonight I will consider the matter, think on it and pray about what, if anything, I am to do or say.

What I really want to do today is YELL, scream, cry, throw a hissy fit.  I cried all the way home from the movie.

Why not me?  Why not pick me?  Do I have something written on my forehead that makes people run away?  I want the same as everyone else.  I want to love and be loved.  Forever.  By one man.  For the rest of my life.

Heck at this point I'd just really like to be given the time of day which I used to have but don't seem to have anymore.  I'm not quite sure what I did and frankly I have enough stress in my life so adding someone to it probably would not be the best idea but I'm the type that once you find something special, grab onto it, and never let it go.

Says the girl whose husband is divorcing her.

So tomorrow I might have to change jobs.  AGAIN.  I'm so tired of change.  It's seriously stressing me out.  The worst part is that I don't have anyone to talk to about it.  I can't write it in an email because my goodness my every written word could somehow be evidence against me in court, so here I sit.  Utterly alone.

Nobody has any idea how I'm doing and again I do not know who to trust.  It's a horrible place to be in.  I have a few what I thought were good friends and some are and some are not turning out to be.  Such is life.

I'm tired of change.  In the last two years, I've had two employers, 4 jobs between the two.  I've moved twice.  I have a different vehicle.   I went from stay at home mom to single mom who is worn to a frazzle.  I feel like I make a step forward....then BAM something happens.  I mean, I know and have seen God's care and caring through all of it.  How He's just taking care of me now.

So in the midst of the chaos I stand, it's raining on my head, and I know that God's got the cloud right where He wants it.  He doesn't want to shield me from the rain, instead he wants me to learn to love rain.  To love it enough to be able to somehow rejoice while it's raining.  (only God could think that up).

Rubber meets the road.   I go to work every day with (I try) the attitude to "do all things heartily as unto the Lord."  So tomorrow I will walk into work, not knowing my future there and just pray that it works out the way my boss suggested it could on Friday.  I need that job, any job, and cannot afford to fall apart now.

So like I do when things get hard, I just give it back to God.  I'll cry and fuss a little first, then I will ultimately just fall on Him.  Right now He's all I've got.  (and a few really true blue people who know about this blog).

Faith is not easy.  But it's worth it.  Grace is amazing but it doesn't come cheaply.  Mercy is undeserved but our Savior died and gave us all.  God, I'm relying on you as my God, the lover of my soul, my companion, my leader, and the head of this family, to hold me together in one piece.

So if you are a friend, please pray for me.  I need more faith.  I need more of God.  I need to trust more and give my trust to God completely.  Pray that God will watch over me.  Pray that God will take care of my friend who also has a broken heart.

Missing my Little People

Being without my children for me is like hell on earth.  I know, in the big scheme of things there are much worse things but for me, this is the hardest thing that I've ever had to endure.  Sometimes the pain of not having them here is unbearable like it is tonight.  I miss them intensely.  A two minute phone conversation does not cut it for me tonight.  I want their little selves here with me, in our HOME.

Today I've been "nesting" in my new apartment.  I really want this place to feel like home because my last place was NOT.  I detested being there, it felt like torture because my home, where my babies were, was right up the street.  The nice thing about the new place is that everything up here is new.  New home,  new place, new place to make a life.

My little one asked me the other day if when we move from here will it be into a house?  I told him/her "I hope so honey but I don't know."  It is like the very thing that I want to provide for them (home of our own) is a million years away.  It's at least 5 years away.  By then my oldest will be a teenager and it will just be different.

New Day with New Grace and Mercies

I'm so thankful to have the weekend to rejuvenate.  I literally am tapped out emotionally, mentally and physically.  I'm the definition of weary.

The good thing is that I might be transitioning into a new job at my work.  (yeah God.)  Prayed a couple of months ago about it and asked God to provide a solution for the situation I was in.  It might be happening as early as Monday.  We'll see.

So this weekend I have to toy shop and decorate for a birthday.  Little one has a birthday this week.  Must be perfect.  Want him/her to love it.

My folks might come over next weekend.  That would be great.  Maybe I can include dinner.  Except my mom is allergic to cats.  I'll just have to clean good.  Not really unpacked yet but I don't care.  I can only do what I can do.

Glad to have a new day to start over.  Please ignore my last two posts.  That was evil stressed out me.  Saturday me is a lot calmer.

Until next time, I remain in HIS hands.