So Long

It's been a while since I've posted on here.  I've needed a break, physically, mentally, spiritually and emotionally.  So I've taken a break.  I've been continuing to seek what God might have for me.

My counselor thinks that I've doing great and doesn't need to see me every week.  Woo hoo!  Maybe all the talking and the praying and the crying and the work are starting to help me heal.  My heart.

I am thinking of doing many things this next year, two of which will require a lot of time.  My heart is in one of them and the other I am cautiously looking into the other but it would require some time, money, and a lot of energy and commitment.

From where I sit, God is good.  He is all powerful and sits on the throne of my life.  I do not know from day to day what this will bring but it's an adventure.

Detante

I guess that I thought that since it was over things would be easier.  NOT.

No detante here.

God give me strength.  My kids need me.

Getting my stuff back

Today I get the afternoon to pack the things from the house that my ex-husband and I had together.  I have packers coming and a friend.  I am already a nervous wreck at the thought of having to spend the entire afternoon with my ex husband.  He stresses me out and I do not want conflict.  I am glad others will be there, he's less likely to cause problems with us  all there.

It i s going to be the world's longest morning.  I'm absolutely STARVING....didn't have dinner last night, just some snacks and now I'm ravenously hungry.  And broke.  Might have to be PB&J today.

I just gotta make it through Wednesday at 4...then it is our Christmas work party and I am sooo hoping we get a Christmas bonus because if we don't I probably can't afford to buy my kids Christmas presents this year.  That hurts my heart but it might be my reality.  We'll just see how things work out today.  I've decided to cut my move in half and only store at one location.  That should help.   I am excited about getting some furniture that I want, some that I've had for years and has been in my family that long.

Then God willing, Thursday I can go grocery shopping and buy presents for the week.  I get the kids next week every night for a week.....so I'm super excited. That is my Christmas present.

I should go shower and begin my day....and get some food in my stomach and go put all my boxes in the car and then find my packing tape and buy newspaper.  I am not going to buy a ton of extra stuff from these packers I've had to hire.  Also need markers......

ahhhhh the fun of getting MY stuff back.

The title of "ex" : join or disengage?

Day two of new life (unmarried, divorced life).  I hate the term divorced.  I don't like to hear people talk about their ex-husbands or ex-wives.  I hate the terminology.  But if I say the kid's dad then people may not think I was married when I had them and risk being misunderstood and having poor morals.

So I suppose that I will have to join the ranks of the exs.  I go there unwillingly and with reservation.

Last night I told my oldest about the divorce being final.  He/She said "that's sad."  Then I talked about how good God is to take care of us and he/she even gave me an example of how God provided for us in a real way.  I think that he/she understood the sadness and tiredness I had AND the hope.

Today I felt the stress start to lessen.  I've got to get through this next weekend.  Then make it to Christmas.  Then MAYBE then I will be able to get into a groove.  Figure out what Phase II is going to look like.  Pray about what God has for me in Phase II.

I'm still tired.  I should get to bed.  I had to get up early this morning to make lunches and get the kids ready for school (I love it - I am not complaining).  One forgot some clothes so I went back and boy was she/he happy!

God will make a way.  He always does.  He owns the cattle on a thousand hills and He will care for me.

Done. Finis. Over.

It's done.  Marriage is over.  Attorneys and judge signed a document and we are no longer married.  Two years of hell on earth and today it's over.  I want to say that I feel relieved and I do.  I wish that I could feel more positive but I don't.  When I see my former husband tearing up as we wrapped up I wondered: is it from relief or does he also feel like me?  Like how the heck did we get here?

Tonight the sadness has hit.  I did good all day, didn't cry until just now when I had to talk to family about it all.  Now the tears are starting to flow.  I'm thankful to not have the kids here tonight.  I sure wish that I could have talked to them but they were probably talking to their grandma.

I need sleep.  I'm WORN DOWN to the core.  I did my budget today and I can't even afford to store my things.  Wish that I didn't have medical expenses.

I am not sure how I am going to afford to live.  I did another budget today and I was like: that is less than I make.  Take alimony out and I can't afford to live.

Gotta keep trusting God to care for me like He has.  Just hard 'cuz tonight I feel down.   I saw in the parking lot at the court house praying for a miracle that didn't come.

I have nothing positive to say tonight.  I'm worn out, beat down and now I'm just alone.  Somebody try to put a positive spin on that?  Yeah, there isn't one.  IT SUCKS.  Bottom line.  I have lost my family and my husband.

On that note I sign off.  I do not feel like being positive, my optimism is gone and I'm not sure it's returning.  I need to close this down and get some sleep.

Then there came on a song....reminding me....of God's love......just a glimmer of hope in the middle of this darkness.  It's enough to hang on for tonight.  Tomorrow I will get up like usual and press on.

"Saddle up your horses...we got a trail to blaze....lets follow our Leader into the glorious unknown.  This i sa life like no other.  This is the great adventure. We'll travel over  over mountains so high we'll go through valleys below.  this is the greatest journey that the human heart will ever see.  The Love of God will take us far beyond our wildest dreams.  Saddle up your horses."

That song played the night I realized that I could not be married to him anymore.  It is on now.  How fitting.  God's got me covered.

Night.

Blip on the Radar

No words.  Or should I say few words are in my head tonight.  I was just reading over my divorce decree that we'll be discussing and finalizing tomorrow.  So there is a good chance my marriage will legally be over tomorrow.

That reality - the finality of my marriage, the failure, my failure, Our failure.  Going to court tomorrow and the judge will most likely finalize the divorce.  A man will get to separate what God put together.  I still can't wrap my head around the concept of divorce even after two years.  Sure, am I better off without him? Yes, in many ways.  In all ways?  No.  Can we be married?  Probably not.

So I sit here, the tears have finally come.  My nose is already plugged up and I just started crying.  I do not know if any of my family are going to be there tomorrow.  Probably not.  Just a lonely end to a really crappy period of my life.  But I'm not alone; I've never been alone because I've had God walking beside me, often carrying me, through this process.  He's protected me, remade me into this much changed person.  I'm a better mom, person, and I know more about myself and others than I ever did before.  I've learned that people shouldn't count me out when I'm down.  I'm the comeback kid.  I've been knocked down so many times in life that I lost count a long time ago.  With God's strength I keep getting up because to get up is to honor God.  To give up would not be honorable to God.  Things that would have made me lose it before are not just blips on the radar of my life.

"I'm letting go of the life I planned for me and my dreams. I'm losing control of my destiny.  It feels like I'm falling and that's what it's like to believe.  This is a giant leap of faith.  The fear of the unkown beyond my comfort zone."  - Francesca Batistelli.

I've really loved that song ever since I heard it because it was exactly what I had to go through.  I had to let go of the dreams I had for myself and my future and give them over to God, who in turn is giving me new dreams and is drawing me toward Him, and thus, TOWARD a future.

But the bottom line is that it's just really hard.  Tonight is going to be hard.  I'm going to force myself to get some sleep now.  I pray my anxious heart tonight will not keep me up.  It is weird because I'm mostly peaceful but then I have some anxiety tries to creep in.  Tonight I am going to pray one last time and then I'm giving it all back to God.  This is His show...always has been...and will be tonight, tomorrow and the day after that.

At least a fluffy kitty came to visit me.  Not sure where the other one is but she usually sleeps on the other side of my bed so I'll see her.   The fluffy one wakes me up 10 minutes before my alarm every single day.  It's annoying and cute at the same time but hey, 10 minutes of sleep is 10 minutes of sleep.  You know, the past two nights I slept all the way through the night for the first time in over 6 weeks of being in my new apartment.  Hopefully tonight will be another one of those good night's sleep.

Tomorrow is just a blip on the radar. blip blip    blip  b l i p   b    l   i   p

Small Talk, Prayers for the Homeless and the Sweetness of Children

A civil conversation via texting.  Yes I know that sounds funny but it is a good start.

Sitting here, at peace.  Only God can give that kind of peace.  I should be a wreck but I'm not.  I know that God will provide what I need.  He always has, always will.

I need extra sleep so I'm turning in early.  New job going good.  Up early making lunches and driving little people to school....then hurrying to work.

Be impressed.  I took my lunch today and made it for tomorrow.  This is the new, thrifty, broke me.  It fits. I love to cook so now I will just have to learn to eat leftovers at lunch.....and that should stretch my grocery budget.

Time to turn in and dwell on God's gifts, here and away.  Pray for the two most precious gifts He's entrusted me to take care of (my children).  This morning my oldest was thinking about the homeless people and it being so cold, etc.  It was precious.  So we prayed.  I grab every opportunity to bring things to God with them so they can see how much my faith is a part of life and that God cares about what is on our hearts.

So we sat in the car and prayed for the homeless folks and KIDS who do not have a warm home to live in.  The prayers of their hearts must have been a beautiful sound to the Lord's ears.  I know He delights in children coming to Him.  How couldn't He?  After all Jesus said "let the children come to Me."  So we do.  Big and small, we are all His children.