Grateful. Missing. Heavy. Hearted.

Today was an extremely productive day. I conquered a project that I didn't think that I could and it felt great to do it ON MY OWN. There is such immense pride in doing something on your own and feeling that sense of accomplishment afterwards. Not in a prideful way, but in a good kind of way.  This sense of accomplishment means to me, personally, that I have come so far in this journey of mine. From woman without any self esteem that was good to a woman who truly believes that I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.

Oh what a journey I have begun. I have not ended it and will not until the last breath I breathe and I am in my Savior's arms. Worshipping at the throne of my God, His son my Redeemer.   I'm in no hurry to get there, mind you, but there are days when I am intensely aware that my heart is already in Heaven and my body is just here taking up space. Does that sound odd?  I fear my words do not convey what I truly feel.

Grateful. That is what I feel. I feel like I have a second chance at life and am enjoying it immensely. It is not a walk in the park mind you, it is often very hard and difficult. I struggle with many things and am aware of just how human I am.  I am here by the grace of God and that is all. Sheer determination has played a major part too. When others would have caved I dug in, with God's help, learning to rely on Him in my weakness and for His strength.

Tonight I miss my children immensely. Profusely. More than ever. When they are here, this is home. The rest of the time it is an apartment. They are what make this place a home.  On my weekends without them, when they are with their dad I miss them more than ever.  When they are here, my heart is at peace.

So much on my mind and heart tonight.  Heavy heart, heavy mind. Going to give it all to God as I have absolutely no control over any of it. Tonight I leave it at my Savior's throne. I give myself to Him and to His care.

Shine On

We are beaten, but not cast down. God has won this battle before it even began. I need to remember that on weeks and periods like this. When I feel beaten down by others, not only have "they" won but I'm not letting God win. In reality, nothing that comes across my life that God doesn't allow. That blows my mind. That means the good, the bad, the trials, everything. Like Job, God had to give Satan permission to tempt Job. For me, every thing and every person in my life who is troubling is sent or allowed to be there by  God. Does that mean that I understand it? Nope. Just know it's true.

God works all things for good to them who love Him. ALL THINGS. Not just the good things. ALL THINGS. Each and every thing. Each and every person. Even the ones we dislike. No, disliking people is probably not very Christ like but there are some people who I have a hard time giving to God. Giving the pain of what they do to me back to God. If I let it, it festers inside me and then these people "win" and I lose. I wind up unhappy, controlled and just not a happy camper. When I give even my enemies back to God, it is then that I am my happiest for it is then that I have given up all control to the One who made me. The one who wove me when I was in my mother's womb.

I have been through too much to quit now. There are some who would love to see me fail but I will not fail. I will continue trusting God in the midst of it all. I will continue getting up every time I'm knocked down. I will continue this "fight" called life which is, in reality, just a blessing.

Writing for me is cathartic. It cleanses my soul and is my way to worship and give praise to the One who made me. Beautifully and wonderfully made. With all my many intricacies. I won't joke - I am not an easy person to know, be friends with, be married to. Having bipolar disorder is a blessing and a curse. It is both all wrapped up in one. One on hand, it is a "curse" because every day is hard. I have less energy than some others who do not have this disorder. I will have to take medication for it the rest of my life most likely.   Bearing under the burden of this disorder is very hard, I kid you not.

Would I wish it away? Yes and no. It is part of who I am but it does not define who I am. It is something that I have, that God deemed me to have. Would I wish it away? On many days, when I am feeling weak, the answer would be yes. That is why I call it a blessing and a curse. It is a blessing because I believe that who I am is tied to this complicated disorder. It is part of what makes me creative, part of what makes me have deep and intense emotions.

There are days like today that I wish that I could take a short cut through what God is doing in my life. He's put a person in my life who is not going away and is probably never going to change. I can deal with that or be unhappy the rest of my life. I choose to deal with him, deal with it. It's just on moments like tonight I wish that my path were a little easier. I'm blessed in so many things but the burden my heart has gone through is almost more than one soul can bear. This is where the HOPE comes in.  It is when I am at my weakest that God is shining in me the most.

God, I'm weak. Shine on.

Job Title Change

Thought that I'd write about life. It is wild and unpredictable.  Yesterday I was informed my position had been eliminated due to business being down 30 percent. I'm being put on a special project which will include probably scanning thousands if not hundreds of thousands of auditing files.  It's a job and I'm thankful to still have one.  Hope that after these six weeks are through that I still have a job. I'm just leaving this one to God. Many things could happen.  I hope that I get moved to one department or one of the new ones they are creating.  I just have to demonstrate that I'm back, feeling great, better than ever and willing to work.  HR director once told me that he wished he had 20 's. How cool is that?

God has had a plan for my every portion of this journey and He will be my portion now.

So if you're a follower, please pray for my tentative situation. Also pray for my new company.  I'm getting closer every day but am frustrated with technical people who have a different schedule than I do.  I realize that I lost my technical person in the divorce which stinks but I am not letting that stop me. Unless God stops me I am pursuing my dream. It will take much effort and I can't wait. I am no stranger to hard work.

Keep on praying. God's not finished with me yet.

What can you do to further God's kingdom?

I realized the other day that I have been ignoring my blog.  I've needed a break.  I've needed to write on other things in other places.  My book is coming together, in fact I wrote about 3 or more pages today and than I had to stop.  I can go into the dark for a while but have to do it in short periods of time.  I then need to return to my Lord and to what He has done in my life.

I'm so pleased to be having a new addition to the house coming tomorrow.  So excited is an understatement.  I will blog about it at a later date.

Been thinking of how good God is and how much He has done to carry me when I needed some help. He reached down and plucked me out and  is using His grace in my life to point others to Him.  At least that is what I hope.

Had a nasty sinus infection for the past two weeks. No fun. This is in addition to the other things that I have been dealing with, learning about and learning to work on and conquer.

God is good. I am living proof. Every day is a gift. Use it for His glory. Let Him use you in whatever situation you are in.  If you are a stay at home mom, let Him use you to minister to your family and husband and perhaps others in similar circumstances. If you work outside the home, let God use you in the workplace to reveal Himself to those folks who sit by you in your cubicle.

I've bought an iPod Nano and am going to buy speakers for it.  I want to take it to work with me and share God's word through His music.  Tired of the golden oldies across the hall.  Now want to share Christ with these people who need Him.

So let God use you. Today. Right now. Think of something you could do today to further His kingdom.

Wonderful

It's been a while since I posted.  I've needed some time off....just to mend and relax.  I've been writing, just not on here!

It is my day off.  Ahhhhhh so thankful to still have a good job, to participate in life and to be MAKING IT.  I am doing this thing called life.  Oh I stink at it sometimes but I am doing it.

I am so mellow and at peace it is WONDERFUL.  What a nice gift from God.

Determined

I'm weary and tired but I'm not finished by any means.   The more someone tries to knock me down the more sure footed I become, the more I cling to God, the deeper my relationship with my Savior.

So many things that I want to do.  Right now it's about being faithful in the everyday things.  Sleep, eat, go to work, do my very best at work, contribute to other's lives, be a mother.

Is there more that I want?  Of course.  Right now I am doing what I can with what I have.  Am I doing it perfectly?  Nope!  Do I feel good about myself?  Yep!  I know that I honor God by keeping on keeping on.  When others try to knock me down and keep me down, I choose life.  I choose to get out of bed every day when physically and mentally it can be hard.  I choose to be a good mom...to teach and help mold small hearts.

I'm headed back to court. Again.  The thought makes me weary.  I am tired and weary but do not be fooled.  I am determined and I will not give up.

So Long

It's been a while since I've posted on here.  I've needed a break, physically, mentally, spiritually and emotionally.  So I've taken a break.  I've been continuing to seek what God might have for me.

My counselor thinks that I've doing great and doesn't need to see me every week.  Woo hoo!  Maybe all the talking and the praying and the crying and the work are starting to help me heal.  My heart.

I am thinking of doing many things this next year, two of which will require a lot of time.  My heart is in one of them and the other I am cautiously looking into the other but it would require some time, money, and a lot of energy and commitment.

From where I sit, God is good.  He is all powerful and sits on the throne of my life.  I do not know from day to day what this will bring but it's an adventure.