Shine On

We are beaten, but not cast down. God has won this battle before it even began. I need to remember that on weeks and periods like this. When I feel beaten down by others, not only have "they" won but I'm not letting God win. In reality, nothing that comes across my life that God doesn't allow. That blows my mind. That means the good, the bad, the trials, everything. Like Job, God had to give Satan permission to tempt Job. For me, every thing and every person in my life who is troubling is sent or allowed to be there by  God. Does that mean that I understand it? Nope. Just know it's true.

God works all things for good to them who love Him. ALL THINGS. Not just the good things. ALL THINGS. Each and every thing. Each and every person. Even the ones we dislike. No, disliking people is probably not very Christ like but there are some people who I have a hard time giving to God. Giving the pain of what they do to me back to God. If I let it, it festers inside me and then these people "win" and I lose. I wind up unhappy, controlled and just not a happy camper. When I give even my enemies back to God, it is then that I am my happiest for it is then that I have given up all control to the One who made me. The one who wove me when I was in my mother's womb.

I have been through too much to quit now. There are some who would love to see me fail but I will not fail. I will continue trusting God in the midst of it all. I will continue getting up every time I'm knocked down. I will continue this "fight" called life which is, in reality, just a blessing.

Writing for me is cathartic. It cleanses my soul and is my way to worship and give praise to the One who made me. Beautifully and wonderfully made. With all my many intricacies. I won't joke - I am not an easy person to know, be friends with, be married to. Having bipolar disorder is a blessing and a curse. It is both all wrapped up in one. One on hand, it is a "curse" because every day is hard. I have less energy than some others who do not have this disorder. I will have to take medication for it the rest of my life most likely.   Bearing under the burden of this disorder is very hard, I kid you not.

Would I wish it away? Yes and no. It is part of who I am but it does not define who I am. It is something that I have, that God deemed me to have. Would I wish it away? On many days, when I am feeling weak, the answer would be yes. That is why I call it a blessing and a curse. It is a blessing because I believe that who I am is tied to this complicated disorder. It is part of what makes me creative, part of what makes me have deep and intense emotions.

There are days like today that I wish that I could take a short cut through what God is doing in my life. He's put a person in my life who is not going away and is probably never going to change. I can deal with that or be unhappy the rest of my life. I choose to deal with him, deal with it. It's just on moments like tonight I wish that my path were a little easier. I'm blessed in so many things but the burden my heart has gone through is almost more than one soul can bear. This is where the HOPE comes in.  It is when I am at my weakest that God is shining in me the most.

God, I'm weak. Shine on.