All about Priorities - NOT

Frustrated is how I feel. Sometimes those I love and who love me are less than supportive. I mentioned to one family member recently that I felt under the pile and his answer was "it's all about priorities." No, it's not. I'm under the pile because I have bipolar disorder and I'm struggling with depression. I cannot prioritize it away. I take care of myself, I get enough sleep, I care for my children and hold down a full time job. I don't do it all perfectly but who does.

So I will not prioritize. I will feel. I will allow myself to be human and to feel. I think those who do not have something productive to say should not say anything at all.  I get that it is hard to know what to talk to someone who has bipolar disorder and be able to relate to them. Know that I like things like movies, kids, pets, the same things you like. I am NOT my disorder. I am also not a set of priorities.

Nor will I be silent if I'm not feeling good. I am my only advocate. I have no one to help me now that I am divorced. I have no one to rely on other than God. It is just me, all the time and there is no relief in site it seems. My hope comes from the Lord who made heaven and earth.

I still get frustrated. People who have what I have are on permanent disability yet I refuse it and keep working and will work until I am no longer able to work.  But it is hard to work full time and do what I do. I admit that. Doesn't mean that I'm stopping anytime soon but people need to understand that having bipolar disorder can be devastating to your life. My heart and mind want to do so many things and I feel trapped in this body that won't "behave" properly. I am going on 18 years of being diagnosed with it.

I will not give up, I will keep on keeping on. I will do my best. Someday when I go meet Jesus I want more than anything to hear Him say "well done my good and faithful servant." I'm probably not going to change the world or do anything dramatic but I do believe God has called me to be faithful as a mom of my children, be faithful in my job, at my church and to my family and friends. God has called me to be faithful in the little things because for me these little things are big things. Living my life with bipolar disorder is doing a big thing. It is being brave enough to keep on keeping on, because of my faith, so that I can continue to do the thing that I love most and that is be a mom to my children.

The kids have got to know I'm different. The oldest is smart enough and old enough to know something. I'll never be a normal soccer mom who hosts sleepovers and throws great parties. I will pledge to love the children with every fiber of my being for the rest of my life. That is my calling and my passion.

Please continue to pray with me and for me as I travel this road that God has for me. It's often not easy, in fact its often very very hard but I will not give up. I will keep on keeping on as long as God will allow me.

I feel buried and I have no help. That is a horrible feeling. My doctor helps but the practical help that I need he cannot do and I cannot ask others to do. Somehow this mom will have to find within herself or within God the strength to do what is necessary. Dealing with ex's is no fun but I am no longer going to be silent. I will do what is best for my children no matter the obstacle.

So pray. Pray for healing for my body and mind. Pray for peace. Pray for ENERGY as that is what I need the most. Pray that the meds will quit causing weight gain and I can go back down to where I was. It's like a terrible blur of things all stirred together like a tornado in a glass.  Yet, having said that I know that God is faithful to complete the work He began with me until completion.  

Hoping that I get this job that I applied for so that I can build up some financial reserves. I have gone through quite a bit of my own money being on FMLA leave and being on an abbreviated work schedule (still not full time yet). I have to trust that God will replenish my finances. The tax man hurt deeply this year. I'm trying to start this business in my spare time but in my spare time I'm so tired it is very hard to do. I keep on doing one or two or three items a day, eventually they'll be online and soon I can open my online store.

So many things hang heavy on my heart tonight. If you are my friend, pray with me. For me.