Today I realized that I need to re-frame the way that I look at things. Sometimes I feel less enthusiastic about having bipolar disorder. Sometimes I hate it. Today I realized that it has given me this amazing opportunity to meet other people who either have bipolar disorder, or are related to or married to someone with this (sometimes) debilitating disorder.
What to me is a weakness (what I was told for years) is actually a gift, a chance to help others. An opportunity for a new mission field. That's the way I have to look at it. I will not give into the depression. I will never give up. I will keep on, keeping on, as long as God will have me here on this beautiful place called Earth he created.
When the depression sets in, I begin to doubt myself and the truth is simple: I am beautifully and wonderfully made. I am made and AM the way God intended me to be. In His image. I am writing these words yet they are still hard for me to believe. When you are around people or someone who erodes your self esteem day after day, you begin to doubt who you really are. That is what happened to me.
Tonight I was reminded of one of my favorite verses: "As far as the east is from the west, so far He has removed our transgressions from us." I am destined to hear this over and over and over and over. Forgiveness is a process. God has already forgiven me for anything that I've done in my past now I have to forgive myself. I am so harsh with myself and I punish myself for things that I could not control. I blame myself for things that were not my fault. I am unlearning so many things and have been over the last few years.
I feel immensely alone. I feel like my kids were ripped from me, I feel like my family likes me as long as I'm not too much trouble of effect their lives too much. I feel utterly alone. I know in my head that I am not but I FEEL that I am. I need to spend some time in the scriptures, I need more of Him in me. More grace, more mercy. More of what He promised. He promised so many wonderful things but He never promised that it would be easy. I am a living testament to that.
So if you're on my team, pray for God's tender mercies to land on my heart tonight. I miss my children and talking to them for five minutes for the whole weekend is simply not enough. I feel lost without them. I will never adjust to this darn divorce. I still feel a lot of anger about it all. Got to let it go. If I don't, it and the other person involved will get in my head and mess with it. I need to fill my head instead with the things of God.
No comments:
Post a Comment