Days that Don't go as "planned"

Anyone else had one of those days that just didn't go as planned? Or as WE planned? I had one of those today. If I wasn't putting my foot in my mouth I was talking non-stop at work (probably bored them silly), then had just the world's longest day.  I came home, hoping to catch a quick cat nap even for 20 minutes and no, that didn't go as planned or hoped for either.

Add to it that I've got hives and now you have a picture of my day.  I wonder if sometimes God allows these days to keep me humble. Because it worked. I'm humbled. Even had to send an apology letter via email today!

So tonight I'm humbled to know that I'm utterly human. To add insult to injury I've walked and walked and walked my dog and he won't go. :-) Gotta laugh at something today.

So today wasn't quite what I'd hoped for but it was exactly what God planned for me. I always need to remember that. Each and every thing that God allows to come through my life goes through and by Him first.

Tonight I have no insights, I'm just a girl who's trying to just make it in this world, stumbling along the way. Thankful that tomorrow is a new day with new mercies.

Advice Advice Everywhere

I'm having one of those weeks where I keep getting unwanted and un-asked for advice. Not quite sure what to make of it.  You ever have that happen to you? I mean my friend at work offered me some advice today that she doesn't even take herself! I wanted so much to really tell her off but knew that wouldn't be the right thing to do. I did call her on it in a non-threatening way.

It's seriously been a week full of this from all sorts of people and places.

This week I feel like I'm just swimming, trying desperately to keep my head above water. I'm making headway and starting to feel better but know this is a process. Every med change can take weeks and sometimes much longer before relief happens.  I am happy to report that the med I just got put back on seems to be lifting the little rain cloud that has been hovering over my head.

I've also got this friend who will remain nameless and every time that I talk with him I feel crappy about myself after. I'm beginning to wonder why I keep talking to him. Definite duh moment.  I want to hear what people have to say, good and bad, but when you get dumped on for years and years, the dumping gets a little old. You know?

My focus now is singular. It is on being the best mom that I can be. The includes taking care of myself, taking part in my health both mental and physical. This means participating in therapy like I do, talking about what is going on in my life, whether I feel like it or not.  Managing bipolar disorder is often a combination of things: medication, therapy, exercise and healthy living. Oh how I wish that I could do all of those at the same time. I've got medication and therapy down pat. I'm starting to work on the exercise part by walking my new dog and the healthy living part is simply not happening.

Oh I forgot what I think is the most important part: your faith in God! My faith in God outweighs my medication, therapy, exercise, and any tofu on the planet. My faith in God is what makes me get out of bed when I think that I cannot. My faith in my Redeemer is what keeps me keep on keeping on.  My relationship with God is my love. He has become the One in my life now that I am divorced. He stepped in and filled that role my husband used to fill a long time ago before he gave up on us. So don't forget to include your faith in God when you are managing your bipolar disorder.

Another thing I got to thinking about today is how mean women are to each other. What is that about? Instead of tending to each other's wounds we wound each other further often times. I have a small group of gals that I am learning to trust and get to know and it is nice. I grew up with brothers and always was friends with guys because I could relate to them better and there wasn't this pettiness that I felt around other girls.  Here I find myself in a world of women, no men really to be found. So it's a brave new world. I've so enjoyed getting acquainted with some older friends again and getting to know some newer friends. God created us for relationship. With one another. For friendships, for romance, for love, for killing time together.

So lets teach our children, especially if you have daughters, to embrace other girls and to not see them as competition but as comrades. Lets model THAT for our daughters.

70 x 7 daily

Tonight I have a few things to say. 1. God is good. No matter what. 2. I'm going to follow Him. No matter what I face. and 3. No one is going to get my focus off of what is important to me and that is this, in this order A. God  B. My children C. My family D. My friends E. My church F. My job.

I know where I am in life, I know where I'm going and I'm trusting God to take me there in His time. The world can throw all the sludge at me it wants because I am not going to cave. In the Bible it even says that God loves the broken hearted. So I'm in good company. God loves me just the way that I am.  People's manipulations are just that and they're petty and silly.

One thing that I've noticed over the years is Christians often shoot their own wounded. I think that is a shame. One reason that I write this blog is so that other people, especially women, can know that they are not alone and that there is Someone bigger than their problems (God) to help.  I write this blog as much for myself as for others. If I wanted fame I would promote the blog but I don't. I have about 10-15 followers and that is pushing it.

Makes me even more determined to keep writing my book because I have a lot to say and a voice to say it finally. I know who I am in Christ and want others to know who they are too. Perhaps I will spend less time on the burgeoning business and more time on the book. Ah but it's all so fun!

Tonight I leave you with this. When "life" beats you down, get up. When someone laughs at you, walk away. When someone hurts you, forgive them. Even if you have to forgive them every single day for the rest of your life. 70 x 7 to the extreme. For some circumstances forgiveness is something you give another on a daily basis.  Holding onto hate will just rot your insides and make you miserable and who wants to live like that? I sure don't!

Tonight I let go, I give it all back to God (and there is a lot), and I choose to forgive.

Credo

Another very productive day. Even got the dog washed today! Man alive he must have rolled in mud when I wasn't looking. It was funny. Giving a retriever a bath is like giving him a present. It was sweet. Now the slightly damp dog is laying under my right elbow, cuddling. It is quite sweet.

Was able to get a lot of things priced today which was good. Snagged a nap which is always a nice thing on my weekends by myself.

Missing my little people something fierce. When they are not home with me I miss them more than life itself. Hopefully I will get to talk to them on the phone tonight. I need to hear their little voices. It's a mom thing. Something about hearing their voices every single day allows me to relax, to know they are safe and sound even though they are not always with me.

Spent some time talking to a friend and her words of wisdom and encouragement were just what I needed to hear. There is nothing like the kind word of a friend or confidante in order to battle what we're going through.

Today I am thankful. I am thankful for my life. I am thankful to be free. I am thankful to be able to make my own decisions. I am thankful to be me and to know that who I am is who and how God made me to be. Not that I am anywhere near perfect. God works on me each and every day and has for the past few years especially. I am stronger than anyone anticipated except maybe my mom who knows how stinkin tough I am.  A month after divorce papers were filed, my mom gave me a Christmas ornament that was hand-carved and titled "courage" because she said that I have more courage than anyone she has ever known. I cherish that little statue and have it in my kitchen to remind me of who I am in Christ and what is possible with His help.

I'm most thankful for my children. They are: wonderful, artistic, sweet, thoughtful, generous, emotional, sensitive, and just the most amazing of gifts. Children are gifts from God that we parents get to care for but they are His. Always and forever. It is a pleasure to be their mother and it is what keeps me going day in and day out.

So this single mom is keeping her eyes on God, the author of my faith, the One who keeps me, the One who has forgiven my sins and is forgiving me daily for them as I do them. The Bible says and it's my favorite verse "As far as the east is from the west, so far He has removed our transgressions from us." I have made my peace with my Creator for my life and my choices (both good and bad) and have taken responsibility for them.

I am no longer the person I once was. Sure, there are parts of me who are the same but if anything I am more like the person I was before I got married. Hard to explain. I got lost for a while but I'M BACK and I'm not going anywhere. I like who I am today. I like the person Good is making me into. I like the person I already am. God says that I'm beautifully and wonderfully made. I believe that and tell my children that almost every time I see them. I want them to know who they really are in Christ.

This was longer than I had planned, must have had more on my heart than I realized at first.

Productive Day Today

I've had such a productive day today! Which was nice! I got some things done that were needed and some things I hadn't planned to work on.

I even got to talk to a good friend who had some good things to say to me. I am thankful for his friendship.

Tonight I am at peace.  Now I'm just hanging out watching some tv which is fun. Work is good but everyone needs to take a break and relax.

Tomorrow is Easter Sunday where we celebrate our Lord's resurrection. Without the resurrection, it is the whole point of the gospel.  Because He rose again, we have that ability when we die if we know Him. What an amazing gift God gave when He allowed His Son to take the sins of the world on Him!

Happy Easter everyone!

So tired

I'm just so tired. Exhausted. Made it through another day, intact. That is always a bonus.  

Learning that people fail you. Over and over again. It is hard to trust, even with friends.  I trust my children, and some of my family. It is too bad it is this way.  My trust was utterly broken and betrayed when my ex-spouse no longer wanted to be married to me.  Frankly it has not been intact ever since. I've become self-reliant in a way while still knowing that my very breath comes from  God and that I control nothing.

I feel like I learn the same lessons over and over and over again. Perhaps that is life. Perhaps that is the Christian journey. Perhaps I am just dunce. Perhaps.

My life feels like it's spinning out of control a little bit and I'm in that space where all you have and all that you can do is trust God, with everything in you.  He alone is trustworthy.

So tired. This gal's calling it a night.

Night all.

All about Priorities - NOT

Frustrated is how I feel. Sometimes those I love and who love me are less than supportive. I mentioned to one family member recently that I felt under the pile and his answer was "it's all about priorities." No, it's not. I'm under the pile because I have bipolar disorder and I'm struggling with depression. I cannot prioritize it away. I take care of myself, I get enough sleep, I care for my children and hold down a full time job. I don't do it all perfectly but who does.

So I will not prioritize. I will feel. I will allow myself to be human and to feel. I think those who do not have something productive to say should not say anything at all.  I get that it is hard to know what to talk to someone who has bipolar disorder and be able to relate to them. Know that I like things like movies, kids, pets, the same things you like. I am NOT my disorder. I am also not a set of priorities.

Nor will I be silent if I'm not feeling good. I am my only advocate. I have no one to help me now that I am divorced. I have no one to rely on other than God. It is just me, all the time and there is no relief in site it seems. My hope comes from the Lord who made heaven and earth.

I still get frustrated. People who have what I have are on permanent disability yet I refuse it and keep working and will work until I am no longer able to work.  But it is hard to work full time and do what I do. I admit that. Doesn't mean that I'm stopping anytime soon but people need to understand that having bipolar disorder can be devastating to your life. My heart and mind want to do so many things and I feel trapped in this body that won't "behave" properly. I am going on 18 years of being diagnosed with it.

I will not give up, I will keep on keeping on. I will do my best. Someday when I go meet Jesus I want more than anything to hear Him say "well done my good and faithful servant." I'm probably not going to change the world or do anything dramatic but I do believe God has called me to be faithful as a mom of my children, be faithful in my job, at my church and to my family and friends. God has called me to be faithful in the little things because for me these little things are big things. Living my life with bipolar disorder is doing a big thing. It is being brave enough to keep on keeping on, because of my faith, so that I can continue to do the thing that I love most and that is be a mom to my children.

The kids have got to know I'm different. The oldest is smart enough and old enough to know something. I'll never be a normal soccer mom who hosts sleepovers and throws great parties. I will pledge to love the children with every fiber of my being for the rest of my life. That is my calling and my passion.

Please continue to pray with me and for me as I travel this road that God has for me. It's often not easy, in fact its often very very hard but I will not give up. I will keep on keeping on as long as God will allow me.

I feel buried and I have no help. That is a horrible feeling. My doctor helps but the practical help that I need he cannot do and I cannot ask others to do. Somehow this mom will have to find within herself or within God the strength to do what is necessary. Dealing with ex's is no fun but I am no longer going to be silent. I will do what is best for my children no matter the obstacle.

So pray. Pray for healing for my body and mind. Pray for peace. Pray for ENERGY as that is what I need the most. Pray that the meds will quit causing weight gain and I can go back down to where I was. It's like a terrible blur of things all stirred together like a tornado in a glass.  Yet, having said that I know that God is faithful to complete the work He began with me until completion.  

Hoping that I get this job that I applied for so that I can build up some financial reserves. I have gone through quite a bit of my own money being on FMLA leave and being on an abbreviated work schedule (still not full time yet). I have to trust that God will replenish my finances. The tax man hurt deeply this year. I'm trying to start this business in my spare time but in my spare time I'm so tired it is very hard to do. I keep on doing one or two or three items a day, eventually they'll be online and soon I can open my online store.

So many things hang heavy on my heart tonight. If you are my friend, pray with me. For me.