Sometimes You Gotta Laugh at it All or You Get Too Darn Serious

Tonight I was driving in my car on my way to pick up THREE of countless scripts that I needed tonight (took last dose).  I was driving home wondering how many thousands of dollars and how many hours of driving I spend a year at the local CVS pharmacy! Sometimes when you can't change the situation you're in, you can take a different look at it, and I find humor helps.

Like....the humor of taking one med to counteract the results of another. Like the countless trips to the pharmacy, so many they know you by name when you go through the drive-thru to pick up your meds.  Like you know your doctor's assistants, front office personnel, his partners, and just about everyone else at his practice. Like the fact that when the pharmacist at the hospital gave a handout of common psych meds, I had taken 30 of them at some point in the past 18 years. These are things that I cannot change so instead I occasionally poke fun at myself.   You have to.

Like it's funny when you're in the hospital because you see the same people sometimes....staff and patients! I had multiple hospitalizations over the past 5-6 years and have been poked, prodded, shocked, medicated, not medicated, inpatient, outpatient, partiallly hospitalized, you name it.

This stuff is humorous.  I have a particularly hard to treat case of bipolar disorder I in case you wonder what it is I have. I am an ultra-rapid cycler which means I cycle from high to low in the course of hours, instead of others days, weeks, months or sometimes years. I've done ECT treatments, 14 or 16 of them, which didn't work.  I've spent countless hours in THERAPY and I hate that word. When did "they" decide it should be called "therapy" and not counseling?  I hate the word therapy. Then again, I don't like cliches either.

So tonight I'm just a girl. Hanging onto life, her job and her kids with all that she has, for however long she has.  I have a slight smirk on my face as I thought about checking to see if CVS is a publically traded company and that I should buy stock if it is!

I laugh at the fact that stuff that's easy for others is hard for me. I can't change it so why beat myself up over it.  I've done that too much and so have others.

This mom's gotta go call her kiddos. Night all. Go laugh at yourself tonight. Find something funny about your situation that you cannot change and change the way you see it - reframe your refererence.

On Normality

Today is better. I feel pretty good so far and it is nice to be HOME, even if it is this little apartment!  This morning I got up, steam cleaned my entry way and half of the apartment. I love getting dirt out of the carpet and it is amazing how much gunk is in there. I'm fairly sure they didn't clean the carpet before we moved here.

I am so worried about what is going to happen with my job. When I was on leave they got rid of my position apparently due to there being less need for it, etc. I was put on a special project that was to take the remainder of my FMLA leave and I'm still on that. Once that is over I do not know if I am going to have a job and I'm not sure how I'm going to deal with that. I'm a little freaked out.

I talked to my boss's boss and suggested that I be his executive administrative assistant and he kind of liked the idea and said he'd talk to HR about it. My friend saw the HR guy and him talking and when she came by they stopped talking. Could be something related to me, maybe not.  

I need a job, I need MY job or any job, I just need to stay employed. This would not be a good time to lose a job.  I need to remain stable, provide for my family, pay child support, pay for this apartment, etc. I just want to be normal and if I lose my job then it could potentially mess a lot of things up.

So I sit here, just a girl, wanting to just BE. Wishing for just one day there wasn't something causing stress and uncertainty in my life. I have felt displaced since I moved out of my home after the divorce was filed.  I've never felt at home anywhere, at either apartment. Sure I put up paintings and art, decorate, but it is empty.  I decorate this place not for me but for my children, to create "home" even though I do not feel this is home. The only time this place feels like home is when my children are here with me. The rest of the time it is just an average to yucky apartment somewhere in the midwest.

Sitting here watching Law and Order and once again they have a crazy person who killed someone and this perpetrator has bipolar disorder. So sick of the misinformation in the media. Yes, there are some who have done wild things while being bipolar but there are an awful lot of us who are just like me, people just trying to get by and be like everyone else. Normal.

I was made to feel like I wasn't normal for many years and it was very hurtful.  To be less than "normal" to someone else, especially if they are someone you are married to is atrocious. What a horrible way to treat someone and an even more horrible way to feel.

I no longer feel less than normal. I am beautifully made by God and am so valuable to Him that He sent His only Son to take my place and died on a cross for my sins.  I am NOT less than normal.  I might be unusual. I might be unique. I might be eccentric but I am NORMAL thank you very much!

Anyone else ever been made to feel like they were "less than" by someone else?

Nothing Profound, Just Questions

Another week at work, went better this week than last although the project I am working on is boring me to tears. I do not mean to sound ungrateful but I'm just frustrated, that's all.  In this economy I am just thankful to be employed.

Med adjustment again this week and I'm starting to feel better again.  It's Friday night and I'm here alone and I just feel....ALONE.  The only "things" I value are shorter than I am and are with their dad. Everything else is just "stuff." Those children are the only thing other than my relationship with God that I care about.  I hate being without them.

My heart is heavy for them lately but I can't go into that here. It is hard to take care of myself when I worry so about them.

Tonight I have no answers. I don't even know if I'll have a job next week. Not sure what God's doing or what He's trying to teach me.  I just have no answers. I am plagued with questions about so many things.

I'm angry. I'm angry that I am somehow not protecting my little ones.  They are counting on ME and only ME to make this right for them and it is such a big responsibility.  They fight so much, they are so angry about this unwanted change in their lives.  Heck, I am still angry about this unwanted change in my life and to my life. I am mad that my hopes and dreams for a  Godly family, including a husband, are gone.  Everything that I knew and loved is gone and I sit in this darn apartment on a Friday alone.

It is so hard to remain hopeful for myself and the kids. Even with my faith being strong it is still hard to remain hopeful. I can't see beyond the next paycheck and this crumby apartment.  I see no future. All I feel is despair and sadness tonight.  Joy comes in the morning sometimes.

I have no deep thoughts, no words of wisdom, nothing profound to say or write about. I just hurt and nothing makes it better. Nothing and no one.  My family was torn in two and nothing will ever be okay again. Sure some people remarry. Maybe I will too someday. Right now I just want to make it through today with the hope that tomorrow will be better.

Power to Do Evil or Do Good

Today on my drive to work I learned of the death of one of America's enemies, Osama Bin Laden. I hadn't had the tv on much yesterday and heard the news actually from the Christian radio station.   I was surprised at my reaction.

I am a die hard, go America, patriotic mom who supports our military in their efforts and as a patriot was proud of our accomplishment in bringing justice to this evil person. Then I began to think about the power each person has and that got me thinking about the fact that God gave us free will.  This amazing gift that allows us to choose Him or not.

I got to thinking about the power each one of us has to do good or do evil with our lives and with our choices. We can serve God or man.   Each one of us has the ability to affect our world in amazing ways. One man, Osama Bin Laden, choose to instill his evil and hate to a generation of followers.  He was just one man but his message was larger than him.

Think about Christianity and our ability to effect other's lives for good. We have this life-changing, bigger than us, message that literally can change a man or woman or child from the inside out and make them into a virtually different person. THIS IS THE GOOD NEWS.

So tonight of course I like many Americans feel some vindication for the death of this terrorist but I mainly am left with thoughts of the power one person can have. You. If you are a Christian, you get to be tapped into the God of the universe, the one who created Heaven and earth, through salvation.

So be one person who does amazing things for good, for eternity. Do things that will not be burned up by fire. Where your treasure is, there will your heart be also. Build up for yourselves treasures in Heaven. Serve God is a big way, in your own way, as much as you physically and mentally can, and affect others for Him.

Live large! Let your faith, let your walk with Christ be that so that when you go to be with Jesus someday after your death others will say "she loved others." When I get to Heaven I want to hear God say "well done my good and faithful servant." I don't know if I'm meant to do big things or maybe I'm called to be faithful in the little things. I just know that whatever I am called to do I will do it heartily as unto the Lord.

Lets think tonight on the following of this big day in America of how we can effect the world for good and for God

Grace and Mercies for this Broken but Mending Mom

It's 7:44 as I write this and I just keep thinking, is it time for bed yet? I worked hard all day then had my children for a couple of hours. I was too tired to cook and out of food so we went out. Then came home, played with the dog and the other kids in the apartment complex. The kids are gone now and I'm sitting here with 15 minutes to myself. I should be cleaning but honestly I'm too freaking tired. If I don't regenerate myself by rest I burn out and it's not pretty.

So it's 7:44 and I rest. For a few minutes I try to decompress from my day. In a few minutes I will take out the dog for the last time, take my handful of medications for various and assorted things that I have and would rather not have, then crawl in bed.

But it's Thursday night and there's good TV on Thursdays. I just want to be awake and hang out. I wish my house was magically cleaned, my refrigerator was stocked with food, and that my dog was well behaved. So until then I rest, I work on cleaning when I can, I run to the grocery store tomorrow on my way to pick up the kids for the weekend, and as for the dog, that is a long term project.

To add to the humiliation of not feeling good my face is all broken out, the hives that turn into acne kind of break out. Not fun and probably med related. Oh the trials and frustrations of my ordinary little life.

Tonight I've decided to give myself the same kind of grace and mercies that God gives me. I need to give myself a break, be easy on myself until I'm feeling better.  I have the weekend coming up with the kids and that will leach my energy but also will refill it in a unique way.  They need me as I need them. That is the way it is between moms and their kids.  A symbiotic relationship.

So maybe I can make it until 9pm tonight. I'm kind of watching a tv show now that I want to see. I won't tell the name because I will lose all credibility here if I do!

Lesson of the day: give yourself some mercy (not getting what you do deserve) and some grace (getting something you don't deserve). If you've never experienced those mercies and grace filled moments from a relationship with God, let me tell you it will rock your world and change your life. It will give you hope beyond these broken bodies we're all walking around in.  God is the only person who can offer true hope.

Days that Don't go as "planned"

Anyone else had one of those days that just didn't go as planned? Or as WE planned? I had one of those today. If I wasn't putting my foot in my mouth I was talking non-stop at work (probably bored them silly), then had just the world's longest day.  I came home, hoping to catch a quick cat nap even for 20 minutes and no, that didn't go as planned or hoped for either.

Add to it that I've got hives and now you have a picture of my day.  I wonder if sometimes God allows these days to keep me humble. Because it worked. I'm humbled. Even had to send an apology letter via email today!

So tonight I'm humbled to know that I'm utterly human. To add insult to injury I've walked and walked and walked my dog and he won't go. :-) Gotta laugh at something today.

So today wasn't quite what I'd hoped for but it was exactly what God planned for me. I always need to remember that. Each and every thing that God allows to come through my life goes through and by Him first.

Tonight I have no insights, I'm just a girl who's trying to just make it in this world, stumbling along the way. Thankful that tomorrow is a new day with new mercies.

Advice Advice Everywhere

I'm having one of those weeks where I keep getting unwanted and un-asked for advice. Not quite sure what to make of it.  You ever have that happen to you? I mean my friend at work offered me some advice today that she doesn't even take herself! I wanted so much to really tell her off but knew that wouldn't be the right thing to do. I did call her on it in a non-threatening way.

It's seriously been a week full of this from all sorts of people and places.

This week I feel like I'm just swimming, trying desperately to keep my head above water. I'm making headway and starting to feel better but know this is a process. Every med change can take weeks and sometimes much longer before relief happens.  I am happy to report that the med I just got put back on seems to be lifting the little rain cloud that has been hovering over my head.

I've also got this friend who will remain nameless and every time that I talk with him I feel crappy about myself after. I'm beginning to wonder why I keep talking to him. Definite duh moment.  I want to hear what people have to say, good and bad, but when you get dumped on for years and years, the dumping gets a little old. You know?

My focus now is singular. It is on being the best mom that I can be. The includes taking care of myself, taking part in my health both mental and physical. This means participating in therapy like I do, talking about what is going on in my life, whether I feel like it or not.  Managing bipolar disorder is often a combination of things: medication, therapy, exercise and healthy living. Oh how I wish that I could do all of those at the same time. I've got medication and therapy down pat. I'm starting to work on the exercise part by walking my new dog and the healthy living part is simply not happening.

Oh I forgot what I think is the most important part: your faith in God! My faith in God outweighs my medication, therapy, exercise, and any tofu on the planet. My faith in God is what makes me get out of bed when I think that I cannot. My faith in my Redeemer is what keeps me keep on keeping on.  My relationship with God is my love. He has become the One in my life now that I am divorced. He stepped in and filled that role my husband used to fill a long time ago before he gave up on us. So don't forget to include your faith in God when you are managing your bipolar disorder.

Another thing I got to thinking about today is how mean women are to each other. What is that about? Instead of tending to each other's wounds we wound each other further often times. I have a small group of gals that I am learning to trust and get to know and it is nice. I grew up with brothers and always was friends with guys because I could relate to them better and there wasn't this pettiness that I felt around other girls.  Here I find myself in a world of women, no men really to be found. So it's a brave new world. I've so enjoyed getting acquainted with some older friends again and getting to know some newer friends. God created us for relationship. With one another. For friendships, for romance, for love, for killing time together.

So lets teach our children, especially if you have daughters, to embrace other girls and to not see them as competition but as comrades. Lets model THAT for our daughters.