Another week at work, went better this week than last although the project I am working on is boring me to tears. I do not mean to sound ungrateful but I'm just frustrated, that's all. In this economy I am just thankful to be employed.
Med adjustment again this week and I'm starting to feel better again. It's Friday night and I'm here alone and I just feel....ALONE. The only "things" I value are shorter than I am and are with their dad. Everything else is just "stuff." Those children are the only thing other than my relationship with God that I care about. I hate being without them.
My heart is heavy for them lately but I can't go into that here. It is hard to take care of myself when I worry so about them.
Tonight I have no answers. I don't even know if I'll have a job next week. Not sure what God's doing or what He's trying to teach me. I just have no answers. I am plagued with questions about so many things.
I'm angry. I'm angry that I am somehow not protecting my little ones. They are counting on ME and only ME to make this right for them and it is such a big responsibility. They fight so much, they are so angry about this unwanted change in their lives. Heck, I am still angry about this unwanted change in my life and to my life. I am mad that my hopes and dreams for a Godly family, including a husband, are gone. Everything that I knew and loved is gone and I sit in this darn apartment on a Friday alone.
It is so hard to remain hopeful for myself and the kids. Even with my faith being strong it is still hard to remain hopeful. I can't see beyond the next paycheck and this crumby apartment. I see no future. All I feel is despair and sadness tonight. Joy comes in the morning sometimes.
I have no deep thoughts, no words of wisdom, nothing profound to say or write about. I just hurt and nothing makes it better. Nothing and no one. My family was torn in two and nothing will ever be okay again. Sure some people remarry. Maybe I will too someday. Right now I just want to make it through today with the hope that tomorrow will be better.
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