Excuse Me While I go Scream Now

Here I sit, maybe the last night where I actually have a job. I asked my supervisor for some time off for a doctor's appointment and she informed me she was no longer my direct supervisor and that I had to get it approved by HR. This is not good. They eliminated my job while I was on medical leave and now have me on a special project that leaves more to be desired. It is the most boring job I've ever done. I sit there every day thinking, well, this is better than when I worked at Target.  I'm on page 500 of a 900 page document that is highly detail oriented.

So I sit here tonight, trying not to freak out but every cell in my body is going holy moly.  I have the head knowledge to know that God will provide for my needs, He always has.  I am split in two: one part of me is FREAKED OUT and worried sick about losing my job potentially. The other part of me knows that God has something planned for me. I'm not feeling very joyous tonight, I will admit. I totally have a bad attitude and it is hard to keep your chin and hopes up when it looks like you're going down with the ship.

I sit here with a choice: how am I going to react if I talk to HR tomorrow and they let me go?  Will I handle it with dignity and grace or will I become angry and bitter? I get to choose how I will react.

It's still hard not to freak out. I mean I have two little kids, and three animals who depend on ME to provide for them.  I drive an old car that I've patched back together recently, I live in a tiny apartment that I am beginning to not like, and I have this sense of impending doom tonight. It's hard not to. I am HUMAN after all.

Then there is the part of me that contains my faith in God. That part of me knows that God knows when a sparrow falls from the sky, He knows how many hairs are on my head and he knows each and every day I have had and will have.  This wonderful and benevolent God of the Universe created me and cares about me deeply. He even sent His Son, Jesus, to die for my sins.

So tonight I'm split in two. Human and spiritual. Of course there is the possibility that HR will come through with a job for me, that is a possibility. I sit here, fully human in my reaction to this and my worry about this.

Excuse me while I go scream now.