Quirky Bodies

So I sit here this Wednesday night, tired from a big day at work/big week.  To add insult to injury I have a small outbreak of hives. The bummer is that I would normally take Benedryl and that would kill them but I can't take it with my new medication.

Today I had to take a CPR class at work and had a very small panic attack during it.  The bummer part was that I could not leave - the lady teaching it said if anyone left they would stop the class and would not resume it until that person returned. So I sat there, in a hot room of too many people, suffering and could not escape. It was the worst!  The good news is that I used mind over matter and was able to get it under control through my thinking.  I made it through the class, passed the CPR certification and no one was the wiser.

So I sit here, at 7:55, ready for bed! ha. The other night I went to bed and the little kids were still outside playing (not mine, the neighbor's).  It reminded me of being little and having to go to bed when everyone else was still up.  Only this time I didn't care as I was happy to crawl into bed early.

This week has been really stressful, trying to launch a new business and it takes any extra energy that I have. I'm behind in some other things but I'm looking forward to Sunday when I can get caught up.

I'm thinking that although my poor dog was kenneled all day I am going to put him in the kennel and turn in soon.  I sound like an old lady sometimes. What it is is that I've learned how to take care of myself and when my body reacts and gives me hives I know that I need to relax a little bit.   So I've allowed myself some tv time tonight and plan to turn in soon.

Be good to yourself. Especially if you have any health issues. No one can do that but you. If you're tired, take care and catch some extra zz's. If you're weary, take care of yourself.  I feel this is a bit of a case of do as I say and not as I do....or I wouldn't be in the state I'm in.

Ahhhhh. God bring peace to my heart, strength to my body and joy to my soul. Only you can do this.

Excuse Me While I go Scream Now

Here I sit, maybe the last night where I actually have a job. I asked my supervisor for some time off for a doctor's appointment and she informed me she was no longer my direct supervisor and that I had to get it approved by HR. This is not good. They eliminated my job while I was on medical leave and now have me on a special project that leaves more to be desired. It is the most boring job I've ever done. I sit there every day thinking, well, this is better than when I worked at Target.  I'm on page 500 of a 900 page document that is highly detail oriented.

So I sit here tonight, trying not to freak out but every cell in my body is going holy moly.  I have the head knowledge to know that God will provide for my needs, He always has.  I am split in two: one part of me is FREAKED OUT and worried sick about losing my job potentially. The other part of me knows that God has something planned for me. I'm not feeling very joyous tonight, I will admit. I totally have a bad attitude and it is hard to keep your chin and hopes up when it looks like you're going down with the ship.

I sit here with a choice: how am I going to react if I talk to HR tomorrow and they let me go?  Will I handle it with dignity and grace or will I become angry and bitter? I get to choose how I will react.

It's still hard not to freak out. I mean I have two little kids, and three animals who depend on ME to provide for them.  I drive an old car that I've patched back together recently, I live in a tiny apartment that I am beginning to not like, and I have this sense of impending doom tonight. It's hard not to. I am HUMAN after all.

Then there is the part of me that contains my faith in God. That part of me knows that God knows when a sparrow falls from the sky, He knows how many hairs are on my head and he knows each and every day I have had and will have.  This wonderful and benevolent God of the Universe created me and cares about me deeply. He even sent His Son, Jesus, to die for my sins.

So tonight I'm split in two. Human and spiritual. Of course there is the possibility that HR will come through with a job for me, that is a possibility. I sit here, fully human in my reaction to this and my worry about this.

Excuse me while I go scream now.

A great day, A Grown Nephew and a Stint Under the Weather

Busy day today for this mom. This morning I had to go somewhere for family business, then got to work around 10:45. Then my dad called and one of my nephews was in town and wanted to go to lunch so I said SURE and was so excited. I hadn't seen him in years and it was such a great thing.

So around noon or so up he drove to my work to pick me up and we went out for lunch. Had a great time, it was like a time warp because it seems like it was just yesterday when he was just a little guy and I was babysitting him. Now he is this amazing, deeply spiritual and gifted young man.  We had fun!

After lunch my day seemed to drag. I have felt like I've been coming down with something for a couple of days now and this afternoon my throat hurt and nose was completely clogged. I have a nasty sinus infection and had to cancel having my kids tonight. That was hard because I miss them. I am going to bed around 8 I think.

Tomorrow I have an event in the morning at the kid's school then it's back to work all day.  I hope that I feel good enough to make it through the day.  I am thinking of putting the dog to bed early and just turning in. I need to call the kids as I do every night that I'm not with them and after that I'm calling it quits for the day.

No amazing revelations, nothing profound, just a day. Thankful to have a job still today, thankful for my nephew and his faith, thankful for my kitties and my dog. Thankful for my children. Thankful to God for giving me life and for sustaining me through another day.

Sometimes You Gotta Laugh at it All or You Get Too Darn Serious

Tonight I was driving in my car on my way to pick up THREE of countless scripts that I needed tonight (took last dose).  I was driving home wondering how many thousands of dollars and how many hours of driving I spend a year at the local CVS pharmacy! Sometimes when you can't change the situation you're in, you can take a different look at it, and I find humor helps.

Like....the humor of taking one med to counteract the results of another. Like the countless trips to the pharmacy, so many they know you by name when you go through the drive-thru to pick up your meds.  Like you know your doctor's assistants, front office personnel, his partners, and just about everyone else at his practice. Like the fact that when the pharmacist at the hospital gave a handout of common psych meds, I had taken 30 of them at some point in the past 18 years. These are things that I cannot change so instead I occasionally poke fun at myself.   You have to.

Like it's funny when you're in the hospital because you see the same people sometimes....staff and patients! I had multiple hospitalizations over the past 5-6 years and have been poked, prodded, shocked, medicated, not medicated, inpatient, outpatient, partiallly hospitalized, you name it.

This stuff is humorous.  I have a particularly hard to treat case of bipolar disorder I in case you wonder what it is I have. I am an ultra-rapid cycler which means I cycle from high to low in the course of hours, instead of others days, weeks, months or sometimes years. I've done ECT treatments, 14 or 16 of them, which didn't work.  I've spent countless hours in THERAPY and I hate that word. When did "they" decide it should be called "therapy" and not counseling?  I hate the word therapy. Then again, I don't like cliches either.

So tonight I'm just a girl. Hanging onto life, her job and her kids with all that she has, for however long she has.  I have a slight smirk on my face as I thought about checking to see if CVS is a publically traded company and that I should buy stock if it is!

I laugh at the fact that stuff that's easy for others is hard for me. I can't change it so why beat myself up over it.  I've done that too much and so have others.

This mom's gotta go call her kiddos. Night all. Go laugh at yourself tonight. Find something funny about your situation that you cannot change and change the way you see it - reframe your refererence.

On Normality

Today is better. I feel pretty good so far and it is nice to be HOME, even if it is this little apartment!  This morning I got up, steam cleaned my entry way and half of the apartment. I love getting dirt out of the carpet and it is amazing how much gunk is in there. I'm fairly sure they didn't clean the carpet before we moved here.

I am so worried about what is going to happen with my job. When I was on leave they got rid of my position apparently due to there being less need for it, etc. I was put on a special project that was to take the remainder of my FMLA leave and I'm still on that. Once that is over I do not know if I am going to have a job and I'm not sure how I'm going to deal with that. I'm a little freaked out.

I talked to my boss's boss and suggested that I be his executive administrative assistant and he kind of liked the idea and said he'd talk to HR about it. My friend saw the HR guy and him talking and when she came by they stopped talking. Could be something related to me, maybe not.  

I need a job, I need MY job or any job, I just need to stay employed. This would not be a good time to lose a job.  I need to remain stable, provide for my family, pay child support, pay for this apartment, etc. I just want to be normal and if I lose my job then it could potentially mess a lot of things up.

So I sit here, just a girl, wanting to just BE. Wishing for just one day there wasn't something causing stress and uncertainty in my life. I have felt displaced since I moved out of my home after the divorce was filed.  I've never felt at home anywhere, at either apartment. Sure I put up paintings and art, decorate, but it is empty.  I decorate this place not for me but for my children, to create "home" even though I do not feel this is home. The only time this place feels like home is when my children are here with me. The rest of the time it is just an average to yucky apartment somewhere in the midwest.

Sitting here watching Law and Order and once again they have a crazy person who killed someone and this perpetrator has bipolar disorder. So sick of the misinformation in the media. Yes, there are some who have done wild things while being bipolar but there are an awful lot of us who are just like me, people just trying to get by and be like everyone else. Normal.

I was made to feel like I wasn't normal for many years and it was very hurtful.  To be less than "normal" to someone else, especially if they are someone you are married to is atrocious. What a horrible way to treat someone and an even more horrible way to feel.

I no longer feel less than normal. I am beautifully made by God and am so valuable to Him that He sent His only Son to take my place and died on a cross for my sins.  I am NOT less than normal.  I might be unusual. I might be unique. I might be eccentric but I am NORMAL thank you very much!

Anyone else ever been made to feel like they were "less than" by someone else?

Nothing Profound, Just Questions

Another week at work, went better this week than last although the project I am working on is boring me to tears. I do not mean to sound ungrateful but I'm just frustrated, that's all.  In this economy I am just thankful to be employed.

Med adjustment again this week and I'm starting to feel better again.  It's Friday night and I'm here alone and I just feel....ALONE.  The only "things" I value are shorter than I am and are with their dad. Everything else is just "stuff." Those children are the only thing other than my relationship with God that I care about.  I hate being without them.

My heart is heavy for them lately but I can't go into that here. It is hard to take care of myself when I worry so about them.

Tonight I have no answers. I don't even know if I'll have a job next week. Not sure what God's doing or what He's trying to teach me.  I just have no answers. I am plagued with questions about so many things.

I'm angry. I'm angry that I am somehow not protecting my little ones.  They are counting on ME and only ME to make this right for them and it is such a big responsibility.  They fight so much, they are so angry about this unwanted change in their lives.  Heck, I am still angry about this unwanted change in my life and to my life. I am mad that my hopes and dreams for a  Godly family, including a husband, are gone.  Everything that I knew and loved is gone and I sit in this darn apartment on a Friday alone.

It is so hard to remain hopeful for myself and the kids. Even with my faith being strong it is still hard to remain hopeful. I can't see beyond the next paycheck and this crumby apartment.  I see no future. All I feel is despair and sadness tonight.  Joy comes in the morning sometimes.

I have no deep thoughts, no words of wisdom, nothing profound to say or write about. I just hurt and nothing makes it better. Nothing and no one.  My family was torn in two and nothing will ever be okay again. Sure some people remarry. Maybe I will too someday. Right now I just want to make it through today with the hope that tomorrow will be better.

Power to Do Evil or Do Good

Today on my drive to work I learned of the death of one of America's enemies, Osama Bin Laden. I hadn't had the tv on much yesterday and heard the news actually from the Christian radio station.   I was surprised at my reaction.

I am a die hard, go America, patriotic mom who supports our military in their efforts and as a patriot was proud of our accomplishment in bringing justice to this evil person. Then I began to think about the power each person has and that got me thinking about the fact that God gave us free will.  This amazing gift that allows us to choose Him or not.

I got to thinking about the power each one of us has to do good or do evil with our lives and with our choices. We can serve God or man.   Each one of us has the ability to affect our world in amazing ways. One man, Osama Bin Laden, choose to instill his evil and hate to a generation of followers.  He was just one man but his message was larger than him.

Think about Christianity and our ability to effect other's lives for good. We have this life-changing, bigger than us, message that literally can change a man or woman or child from the inside out and make them into a virtually different person. THIS IS THE GOOD NEWS.

So tonight of course I like many Americans feel some vindication for the death of this terrorist but I mainly am left with thoughts of the power one person can have. You. If you are a Christian, you get to be tapped into the God of the universe, the one who created Heaven and earth, through salvation.

So be one person who does amazing things for good, for eternity. Do things that will not be burned up by fire. Where your treasure is, there will your heart be also. Build up for yourselves treasures in Heaven. Serve God is a big way, in your own way, as much as you physically and mentally can, and affect others for Him.

Live large! Let your faith, let your walk with Christ be that so that when you go to be with Jesus someday after your death others will say "she loved others." When I get to Heaven I want to hear God say "well done my good and faithful servant." I don't know if I'm meant to do big things or maybe I'm called to be faithful in the little things. I just know that whatever I am called to do I will do it heartily as unto the Lord.

Lets think tonight on the following of this big day in America of how we can effect the world for good and for God