God's Perfect Timing for this Restless Soul

In this world of Facebook, My Space, Twitter and every other social media, I have never felt so isolated and alone yet I have more friends again now than I have had in almost twenty years. Sweet irony.

I sit here on my sofa, in the dark, watching tv while surfing on Facebook and writing on here. I spent most of the day working on my new business and decided to take some time to just relax - to enjoy the day of rest as God intended it.  It is hard to NOT be busy. Busy is good. Why is that? Well, for starters, I doubt that I'm the only one who feels like this but when you're busy, you don't have the time to think about what is really bothering you.

Which leads me to the next question. What exactly is it that is bothering me?  I'd like to say that I'm going to spill my guts on here but hey, this is the internet, it's public and I'm not saying. Perhaps it is that I don't know. Perhaps it is that I know and that I'm terrified to say. Perhaps I don't know and that is why my face broke out with hives this week from the stress. There are many options to choose from.

What I know is that my heart hurts. It still does and probably always will. It hurts for me. It hurts for my kids. It hurts for the loss of the hopes and dreams I had for my/our future.  My heart is worried. It worries when I should be trusting God. I worry about whether I'll have a job next week. I worry about being able to provide for my children. I'd like to say that after all these amazing years being a Believer that I don't struggle with worry but I do. It's tied into my anxiety and God knows I have issues with that.

I feel that I'm miraculously flawed but at the same time beautifully and wonderfully made. Perhaps I'm just a human this side of heaven. Living out her faith the best she knows how, trying to be a good example to her children. Trying to just make it. Survive. I'd love to thrive but I'll go with survive at this point! ha

So I sit, I sit and I wait until it's time for bed so tomorrow can get here earlier.  Tomorrow could begin the beginning of something good, a change for the better.  I can't go into it on here but if we're friends you know how to get a hold of me and we can talk.  Lets just say that I believe that God has been working me through His perfect plan in His perfect timing and that it is finally the time.

Put it together Yourself Furniture

This morning I thought to myself, hey, I'll put together that bookcase for the kid's room that I bought for them. They're not here, less people, easier to concentrate.  I can't even put the dang thing together and there is no help.  There is no one to help and there is no one to put it together. I am so angry right now I want to spit.

I feel like a failure. My kids think that I can do anything and I suck at it all.  I CANNOT DO EVERYTHING. I'm just one person and one person cannot do it all.  To expect it of one person is not frankly what God had in mind. He designed it to be a partnership, and for that marriage to be until death do us part.

I'm frustrated and just want to scream. Instead I think that I'll go lay down until I calm down.

Maybe I'll try the stupid bookshelf later. I need to buy them a dresser too...how the heck am I supposed to put that together?  I hate this. I hate living here, I hate this apartment, I hate this life, I hate this life, I hate it all.

Not the best day but Fun Nonetheless

Struck out today at my first market. Lots of looky lou's but no buyers. I was discouraged for a while then I've made a plan for how to attack next week. I'm having a giant SALE and bringing in different things.  The best part of my day was when my little people were brought up to see me, bringing hugs and kisses and such. The rest of the time was spent talking to the lady next door who was selling the most God awful silk flower bouquets. I mean, really, who buys fake plants?  Apparently more people than who buy my jewelry!

Came home, let the dog out and took a nap. Woke up, realized later that he had EATEN the door frame to the bathroom which looked to be wet wood.  I am sore at him. Or was. Now he's fluffy and in his kennel ready for bed.  Thinking of taking him next week to the market but need to read the rules.  I will have my kids next weekend and they are going to be a handful. Perhaps take the dog another time would be the wise move.

Nice to have a day of no stress. Today I didn't worry if I was going to have a job tomorrow/Monday. Today I didn't feel the pressure to work as fast as I could to avoid being downsized. Today I just got to do what I love. Except without the money part! ha

Hanging out tonight watching some movie on TNT.  Dog is jealous of my kitty who has come to get her head rubbed.  He wants to eat my two kitties! Not really, I think he just wants to give them a big lick.

Oh no one of my cats is having a hairball cough.  Dog's barking. Night all

Night Before Christmas, er, the Launch

It's the night before I launch my new business.  I'm not even quite ready. I have two bags of product that is not priced.  Gonna have to take my laptop to the place so I can reference my spreadsheet as I price things.  I do have enough to put out for day one.  I got nothing done last night as I had the kiddos here to spend the night.

On my lunch hour I trained on how to use my new credit card and check terminal. I'm pretty stoked about that.  Hoping that I don't run out of register paper.

I only have one sign, I'm so OUT OF IT. I couldn't find and ran out of time to find velvet to make table covers/table cloths so I went to the dollar store and got some pink ones. Tacky. I can't solve every problem tonight. I was able to get a load of laundry done so at least I can be clean tomorrow.  I'm thinking of going to bed now because I have to wake up at 5 in the morning to pack up all this stuff, feed the animal(s), get some food for me.

Too tired to even think about dinner.  I'm WIPED OUT and know it so I'm headed to bed.  I've learned when I need rest and I NEED REST in the biggest way.  God's got this all in His hands anyway.  I bought a speaker dock for my iPod so I can play Christian music tomorrow.  Made a sign about what types of payment we take and that we are giving away 10% of our net profits to charities locally.

Excited but the adrenaline is waning.  I should go. Perhaps if I'm not dead tomorrow I can post how it all went.   The kids are supposed to come see me (their dad said he'd bring them) and I hope that works out and isn't awkward.  Want to show my girls that hard work, God's help and some motivation will help you go far.

I need to sell a LOT of stuff tomorrow.

Quirky Bodies

So I sit here this Wednesday night, tired from a big day at work/big week.  To add insult to injury I have a small outbreak of hives. The bummer is that I would normally take Benedryl and that would kill them but I can't take it with my new medication.

Today I had to take a CPR class at work and had a very small panic attack during it.  The bummer part was that I could not leave - the lady teaching it said if anyone left they would stop the class and would not resume it until that person returned. So I sat there, in a hot room of too many people, suffering and could not escape. It was the worst!  The good news is that I used mind over matter and was able to get it under control through my thinking.  I made it through the class, passed the CPR certification and no one was the wiser.

So I sit here, at 7:55, ready for bed! ha. The other night I went to bed and the little kids were still outside playing (not mine, the neighbor's).  It reminded me of being little and having to go to bed when everyone else was still up.  Only this time I didn't care as I was happy to crawl into bed early.

This week has been really stressful, trying to launch a new business and it takes any extra energy that I have. I'm behind in some other things but I'm looking forward to Sunday when I can get caught up.

I'm thinking that although my poor dog was kenneled all day I am going to put him in the kennel and turn in soon.  I sound like an old lady sometimes. What it is is that I've learned how to take care of myself and when my body reacts and gives me hives I know that I need to relax a little bit.   So I've allowed myself some tv time tonight and plan to turn in soon.

Be good to yourself. Especially if you have any health issues. No one can do that but you. If you're tired, take care and catch some extra zz's. If you're weary, take care of yourself.  I feel this is a bit of a case of do as I say and not as I do....or I wouldn't be in the state I'm in.

Ahhhhh. God bring peace to my heart, strength to my body and joy to my soul. Only you can do this.

Excuse Me While I go Scream Now

Here I sit, maybe the last night where I actually have a job. I asked my supervisor for some time off for a doctor's appointment and she informed me she was no longer my direct supervisor and that I had to get it approved by HR. This is not good. They eliminated my job while I was on medical leave and now have me on a special project that leaves more to be desired. It is the most boring job I've ever done. I sit there every day thinking, well, this is better than when I worked at Target.  I'm on page 500 of a 900 page document that is highly detail oriented.

So I sit here tonight, trying not to freak out but every cell in my body is going holy moly.  I have the head knowledge to know that God will provide for my needs, He always has.  I am split in two: one part of me is FREAKED OUT and worried sick about losing my job potentially. The other part of me knows that God has something planned for me. I'm not feeling very joyous tonight, I will admit. I totally have a bad attitude and it is hard to keep your chin and hopes up when it looks like you're going down with the ship.

I sit here with a choice: how am I going to react if I talk to HR tomorrow and they let me go?  Will I handle it with dignity and grace or will I become angry and bitter? I get to choose how I will react.

It's still hard not to freak out. I mean I have two little kids, and three animals who depend on ME to provide for them.  I drive an old car that I've patched back together recently, I live in a tiny apartment that I am beginning to not like, and I have this sense of impending doom tonight. It's hard not to. I am HUMAN after all.

Then there is the part of me that contains my faith in God. That part of me knows that God knows when a sparrow falls from the sky, He knows how many hairs are on my head and he knows each and every day I have had and will have.  This wonderful and benevolent God of the Universe created me and cares about me deeply. He even sent His Son, Jesus, to die for my sins.

So tonight I'm split in two. Human and spiritual. Of course there is the possibility that HR will come through with a job for me, that is a possibility. I sit here, fully human in my reaction to this and my worry about this.

Excuse me while I go scream now.

A great day, A Grown Nephew and a Stint Under the Weather

Busy day today for this mom. This morning I had to go somewhere for family business, then got to work around 10:45. Then my dad called and one of my nephews was in town and wanted to go to lunch so I said SURE and was so excited. I hadn't seen him in years and it was such a great thing.

So around noon or so up he drove to my work to pick me up and we went out for lunch. Had a great time, it was like a time warp because it seems like it was just yesterday when he was just a little guy and I was babysitting him. Now he is this amazing, deeply spiritual and gifted young man.  We had fun!

After lunch my day seemed to drag. I have felt like I've been coming down with something for a couple of days now and this afternoon my throat hurt and nose was completely clogged. I have a nasty sinus infection and had to cancel having my kids tonight. That was hard because I miss them. I am going to bed around 8 I think.

Tomorrow I have an event in the morning at the kid's school then it's back to work all day.  I hope that I feel good enough to make it through the day.  I am thinking of putting the dog to bed early and just turning in. I need to call the kids as I do every night that I'm not with them and after that I'm calling it quits for the day.

No amazing revelations, nothing profound, just a day. Thankful to have a job still today, thankful for my nephew and his faith, thankful for my kitties and my dog. Thankful for my children. Thankful to God for giving me life and for sustaining me through another day.